“Can you believe you’re supposed to be my best friend and you never knew?”
“You never told me, Anna.”
“I tried to tell you all the time, Lexi. But you don’t care. You only ever seem to care about yourself and what’s going on in your life.”
“That’s not true, Anna.” I bit my lip. “You’re my best friend. I’m always here for you.”
“No. No you aren’t.” Her voice went silent and we sat on the phone just listening to the silence. “Do you remember when I got the job as a tutor? I told you how excited I was because I thought it would give me a chance to get to know Eddie better.”
“Not really,” I sighed, not recalling the conversation.
“But then you told me you were trying to establish a relationship with your dad. And I knew how important that was for you, so I didn’t mind that you had changed the subject on me, even though I had been trying to talk to you about Eddie.”
I sat on the bed, my head still pounding, even though I had taken the headache tablets. “I don’t remember, Anna.”
“And then, a couple of months later, Eddie and I went to lunch together. He wanted to thank me for helping him get an A and I was so excited and I called you to get some help picking an outfit.”
“You and Eddie went to lunch together?”
“You told me you were too busy to talk, because your mom was having one of her episodes. You told me you would call me back. But you never did. And I called you back that evening and your mom said you were having a sleepover at Luke’s.”
“I’m sorry I forgot to call.”
“It’s not just that, Lexi. Do you know how many times you’ve invited me to a sleepover at Luke’s?”
“It’s not my place to invite you to Luke’s, Anna.”
“It doesn’t mean that you couldn’t have asked him to invite me. How many times have you done that?”
“Anna, I don’t…” My voice trailed off as I heard her crying on the other line.
“I’m really sorry, Lexi. I really am, but I don’t think I’m the only bad friend here. And if you can’t see that, well, I don’t know what to say.”
“Anna, I don’t understand, we were always in this together.”
“No, we’re not, Lexi. You always say that we’re the invisible girls but we’re not. I am. I’m the only one who is invisible. No one sees me. Everyone sees you. Luke, Bryce, even Eddie. They all wanted you. Not me. No one sees me. I’m fed up of being a nobody.”
“But Anna—”
“—I know you think it’s shitty that I slept with Bryce and maybe it was. But I’m so fed up of this life. I’m so fed up of being the sidekick, here just to see you find love. What about me? When’s my time?”
I lay back on the bed, unsure of what to say and then Anna hung up on me. My eyes were dry, but I felt like crying. I wasn’t even sure what to think or feel about what she had said. Nothing could excuse her for sleeping with my boyfriend, but maybe she was right. Maybe I had been a bad friend to her. Maybe I had taken advantage of her friendship. Anna was just always there. I always knew I could count on her when I needed someone to talk to.
I sighed as I realized that I hadn’t really been there for her as much as she had for me. Even when it came to her liking Luke, I was pretty sure that she had a crush on him, but I’d never asked her. Never tried to pry and see if my thoughts were correct. And I wasn’t sure why. Maybe I was scared that she and Luke would get together and I would be the odd one out. Because that was what she was. She was the odd one out in the friendship. Or maybe they both were. Maybe I was the sun to their planets. Everything in my life revolved around me. Maybe the real issue was that I was selfish.
I wanted to call Luke. I wanted him to tell me that I wasn’t selfish. That I was a good friend. A good person. I had always thought that Anna and I were in it together. We were the invisible girls. But maybe only one of us was really invisible.
It’s hard when you recognize that you’ve been a bad friend. It’s really hard. I felt like I had blown my friendships with Luke and Anna. It seemed like there was no way to redeem myself now. No way at all. I dialed Bryce’s number, hoping he would answer the phone. The phone went to voicemail and I tried to ignore the pain I felt at his non-answering. I knew he had to be at Harpers creek. It was his go-to place, just like it was mine. But I didn’t know if he wanted to see me, I knew his demons must have been eating him alive right now.
More importantly, I didn’t know if I wanted to see him. How could he have cheated on me? Already? It was something that I had never thought could happen. I was going out of my mind as question after question ran through my head and I knew that I had to get out of the house.
***
Driving around Jonesville is something I have been doing since I have been able to drive. I like to watch people walk down the street as I drive past them, listening to music. It soothes me and makes me feel like I’m on top of the world. Even though I’m only driving a Ford Escort, I still feel like I have it made. At least, more than the people who are walking do. I know that, perhaps, some of them are walking because they are exercising, but I like to think it’s because they don’t have a car. It’s an odd way to feel good about oneself, but I guess I’m a bit of an odd girl. That day, though, I drove aimlessly, changing from radio station to radio station, nothing quite catching me: not the top 40, not the country music and not even the 80’s and 90’s hits. And I didn’t even bother looking to see if anyone was walking down the streets. That didn’t matter.
“Is Your Life In Tatters?” read the sign that caught my attention. I pulled over, parked and got out, hoping that I wasn’t about to venture into some scientology group or cult. I got out and saw that the sign pointed to a small cottage and the words ‘Psychic—Come and have your reading today’ were hanging above the door. I’ve never gone to a psychic before. I’ve never really cared to—I mean, who wants to fork over their money to someone who will just BS them? I don’t have a lot of money and I’m certainly not going to give it away to someone who’s a charlatan but, that day, I decided why the heck not?
I walked up to the door, slowly, trying to talk myself into going in. “If it’s over $20 you will walk out, Lexi,” I told myself. I had nothing to lose. Everything in my life was falling apart.