“She’s in there.” He tapped on a door and I stood there for a moment before going in. I heard the television playing some gameshow and I turned around and snarled at him for playing such a horrible joke on me. My mom wasn’t dead. Maybe she was just injured. I could hear the TV playing. I bet she was happy to have some time to herself in the hospital, before coming back home to cook countless dinners. I pushed open the door with a smile on my face, ready to cheer my mom up. I had to blink to become accustomed to the darkness of the room. The curtains are drawn, the lights are off and the only light is that the TV is emitting.
“Mom, do you want me to turn the light on?” I fumbled around, looking for a light switch. I turned it on and the room was filled with a bright fluorescent light. I understood why the light had been off now. “Mom?” I stared at the bed and see my mom lying there with her face looking straight up. As I walked to the bed, I can feel every nerve ending in my body alert and waiting for a command.
“Mom?” I stopped at the edge of the bed and look down. Her face is pale white, almost grey, with a tinge of blue. “Mom, do you want me to go home and get your blusher?” I knew she would want to put a little makeup on her cheeks. “Mom.” I touched her cheek slowly, praying silently for her to open her eyes and shout “April Fools.”
I put my fingers on her neck to see if I felt a heartbeat. And, at first, I think I am positive that I felt one. It’s beating quickly and I breathe a deep sigh of relief—but then I realized it’s my own heartbeat I am counting. I put my fingers under her nostrils to see if any air is coming out and I just watch her face. My brain already knows the truth that my heart doesn’t want to accept it. I closed my eyes for a second and think about her happily cooking for my party—she had been so alive, so carefree, so determined. And I was pretty sure she hadn’t been on anything. She was getting better. I knew she had been getting better.
“Oh mom.” I fell to my knees and placed my head on the bed sobbing. “Oh mom, how could you leave me? I need you mom. I need you to be here for me. We can do this together. I support you. I support you mom. Leave dad. I’ll come with you. We can do this. Oh mom. I love you. I love you so much. Mom, wake up. Wake up. Mom, wake up.” I screamed sobbing at this point. No death has ever affected me this much, this deeply, this painfully. Every atom of my body was crying out in hurt.
“I’m sorry, Bryce.” I felt my dad’s hand on my shoulder and I don’t say a word. I hadn’t even heard him come in. I wanted to scream at him, tell him it should have been him that had died. I wanted to tell him how much I hated him. But I didn’t want to do it in front of my mom. She wouldn’t want that. She had loved my father, for all his flaws, even though he had broken her. She had loved him.
I stood up and stared down at her face—so beautiful, even in death. I bent forward and kissed her cheek for the last time. “I love you, mom,” I whispered in her ear and walked out of the door. I used my sleeve to blow my nose and wipe the tears from my eyes. “Sorry, mom,” I said to the air. I knew my mom had always hated me using my clothes as a handkerchief.
“Bryce, we need to make some decisions.” My dad addressed me and I looked up at him with hatred in my eyes.
“How did she die?”
“She was in a car accident.” His eyes were cold as he responded to me. I guess, when we were alone he didn’t have to put up a pretense.
“She died from a car accident.”
“She wasn’t in her car. Someone hit her as she was getting into the car. They lost control.”
“I see.” I didn’t see. What sort of senseless driver could do that?
“They were texting,” he sighed. “They took their eyes off the road to text and, when they realized they were about to hit the car in front of them, they swerved and hit your mom.”
“So they took a life to avoid a fender bender,” I said, bitterly.
“I’m going to work on passing a no texting while driving law.”
“So you’re already thinking of the job again?”
“Bryce, please. We can’t continue like this. Your mom wouldn’t want that.”
“You don’t know what she would have wanted.” I walked away from him and back to the lobby. I wanted to go to Harpers creek. In fact, I needed to go to Harpers creek. I needed to be alone. I needed to punch the ground and to scream. I needed to think.
“Do you really think your whore of a girlfriend is going to be there for you more than me, Bryce?” My father caught up with me and I turned around and right hooked him.
“You shut up, you son of a bitch.” I hit him again. “You f**king prick; it should have been you in there.”
“Bryce, Bryce, he’s not worth it.” Lexi’s voice distracted me from hitting my dad again and he backed away from me as she ran up to me.
“He’s an ass**le, Lexi.” I looked at her with wild eyes. “My mom is dead because of him.”
“I didn’t kill your mom, Bryce.”
“You pretty much did,” I shouted, suddenly overwhelmingly tired.
“Come on, Bryce.” Lexi took my arm and led me to the side of the room. “It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s my fault, Lexi,” I burst out, looking at her caring face. “It’s because I’m evil. Everyone dies around me.”
“No, Bryce, you can’t think that.”
“Eddie died, Simon died, now my mom.”
“You aren’t responsible for anyone else’s death, Bryce.” She reached over and looked in my eyes. “You’re a good guy, Bryce.”
“I slept with Anna.” The words spurted out of my mouth without control and I cringed at the look of shock on Lexi’s face. But I still continued, “the night of the party I slept with Anna. I was f**ked up on alcohol and pills; I didn’t know it was her. But I didn’t stop it. I f**ked up, Lexi. And now, now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it right. I don’t want to lose you. I love you, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep it in. I can’t pretend everything is okay. I love you. I want to be with you. But I’m not a good guy. I’m just not a good guy. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep being punished. I don’t want anyone else to die.”
I know I should given her the chance to respond to what I’d just said, but I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I just wanted to drown in my sorrows. I just wanted to get away. I ran back to my dad to ask him for the car keys. I’m surprised when he gives them to me right away. I looked back at Lexi and her big, brown eyes are still wide with shock. I wanted to tell her I loved her and beg for her forgiveness, but I know that I don’t deserve it. Instead, I run out of the hospital and to the car. “It’s going to be okay.” I heard my mother’s voice whispering in my ear as I drived and I cried, silently. Nothing is ever going to be okay again, I thought to myself.