Stryker shrugged.
“You gotta bleed sometimes.”
“Lunch tomorrow?” I said as Aud and I lay in her bed, “Sweater Weather” playing softly in the background. We hadn’t technically moved in, but a lot of my stuff was here and I barely slept at my own place now. Well, I barely did any sleeping, period. Sex was so much better than sleep.
“I can’t, I’ve got a meeting.” She stuck her tongue out at me.
“Psh, what meeting is more important than lunch with your extremely handsome boyfriend?”
“If I ever meet this extremely handsome boyfriend, I’ll let you know,” she said, which made me leap on top of her and tickle her until she begged me for mercy.
“Okay, fine. Have a meeting. But I’ll be thinking about you,” I said, pushing my hips into hers.
“You’d better be.”
22
Eddie had emailed me back immediately, and we set up a lunch date for Thursday. I shouldn’t call it a date. It wasn’t a date.
Wednesday night, I couldn’t sleep. I kept going over and over what I was going to say to Eddie.
“Hey, Eddie. Remember that time we had sex? Um, so I got pregnant, never told you about it and then gave the baby to my aunt to raise and now she needs a bone marrow transplant and I’m not a match, but might be, so could you go get tested? Thanks!” No, I shouldn’t throw all of this on him at once, but we didn’t have time. She didn’t have time.
I woke on Thursday with my stomach in knots. So much so that I had to crawl out from under Will’s arm and run to the bathroom so I could throw up. There was nothing in my stomach, but that didn’t stop it from trying to expel something.
I gripped onto the bowl and gasped, trying not to cry.
I couldn’t do this. There was no way I could do this.
I got sick again and told Will that I had a stomach bug. It was the easiest excuse. There was no way I was going to make it through class, so I just stayed in bed, running through all the possible scenarios in my head.
Time seemed at once to move both faster and slower. Each minute felt like an hour and each hour felt like a minute.
I took my time getting dressed, and doing my hair. Not that it would matter what I looked like, but I needed something to do.
The walk down to the little café on campus where I was meeting Eddie was cold and I’d forgotten my jacket, but I didn’t shiver.
He was there waiting for me, and smiled as soon as he saw me walking toward him. I tried to make my face neutral, so he wouldn’t suspect that I was here to drop a bomb on him.
“It’s so good to see you,” he said. “What can I get for you?”
“I’m fine, thanks.” My stomach couldn’t take anything right now. Not until long after this was over.
“Are you sure?” He leaned closer and his arm brushed mine. I moved away.
“Yeah. Listen. I didn’t ask to meet with you so we could catch up. There’s something I need to tell you and I thought I should do it in person. I’m so sorry about this. I should have done this a different way, but I f**ked everything up.” I didn’t normally curse, but being around Will had rubbed off on me. And this seemed like an appropriate cursing situation.
Eddie’s face fell and he looked into his coffee cup.
“Um, okay. What’s up?” He slid his chair back a bit and I took a deep breath.
“Do you remember that party when we . . .” I didn’t want to finish that sentence.
“Yeah. I do. Sort of. I know we had sex. I’m sorry I don’t remember it better. It must have been amazing.” He grinned and I wanted to slap it off his face.
“Well, we didn’t use protection and I got pregnant.” The grin froze on his mouth and then faded away.
“You got pregnant? That’s not possible.”
“How is it not possible? We had sex without a condom. I wasn’t on the pill.” I was starting to have less and less sympathy for him.
“No, no, that’s not possible.” He shook his head and pushed his chair back so hard it rattled against the table. “You got pregnant?”
“I did.”
“What . . . what happened?”
Here we go.
“I had her and then I gave her up. My aunt’s raising her now. But that’s not the end of it.”
Eddie made a choking noise and his eyes were so wide they looked like they were going to fall out of his head. His expression would be funny if this weren’t so serious.
“She’s sick. She needs a bone marrow transplant and nobody in my family is a match. I’m so, so sorry for putting this on you, but you need to get tested. I never planned on telling you. I left the birth certificate blank. I don’t want any money, or anything else from you, but if you could please do this for her, I’d be so grateful.”
There. The words were out. How he reacted was up to him now. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run. Or to rewind to a time before this conversation.
“This isn’t possible. You had a baby and you didn’t tell me?”
“My parents weren’t . . . they didn’t want me to tell anyone. They weren’t supportive and I was with Bryan and they wanted me to marry him instead and pretend the baby was his. He would have done it, but I couldn’t go through with it. I didn’t want that life for me, and I didn’t want it for her. She’s in a good place. My aunt has two other small children and she lives out in the country in New Hampshire. She’s happy. She’s safe.”
“You didn’t tell me.” His shock had turned to anger, which I’d expected. “You never told me.”
“I know. I’ve made so many mistakes and I’m so sorry.” Tears fell from my eyes. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. “I’m so sorry, Eddie. You don’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve this.” He didn’t. He wasn’t a bad guy. He’d had sex with me, but I hadn’t stopped him. I’d wanted it as much as he had. And I didn’t tell him to wear a condom. I didn’t take a precaution and get the morning after pill. I didn’t have an abortion. I thought about it, but I couldn’t go through with it. And then my parents found out and Maria came to me and said she wanted the baby and would take care of her.
I didn’t realize I was speaking out loud until Eddie said something else.
“How could you hide this from me?”
My mother had said the same thing.
“I’m so sorry, Eddie. I understand if you don’t want to see me, but please. Call the hospital and get tested. You could save her life. I wish I was a match, but I’m not. Please do this for her.” I’d written the name of the hospital down, and the number for him to call to set up the test.