I stood up to leave him with his thoughts.
“What’s her name?” His voice was hoarse, as if he’d been yelling.
“Emily. Her name is Emily.”
Audrey was grim on Thursday night. That was the best word for it. She was definitely a million miles away and I couldn’t seem to get her back. Not even when we were having sex.
“Where are you?” I said, stopping. Her eyes snapped up to mine.
“What?”
“Where are you? It’s like you’re somewhere else.” It was a bit of an ego blow that she was thinking about something else while we were having sex. Had the spark gone out already?
“I’m here. I’m right here.” She pushed up to kiss me, but I could still feel distance between us. I rolled off her and closed my eyes.
“Something’s wrong. You need to talk to me. I thought that we’d be okay now that I knew about your deep, dark secret. But you’re still far away.” I almost wanted to cry.
“I’m sorry,” she said, the words hollow. “I’m just thinking about other things, Will. Maybe you shouldn’t have stayed over. It’s my fault.” I didn’t want her to do that. I didn’t want her to blame herself. I just wanted to know what was going on so I could fix it.
“Talk to me.” I rolled onto my side to face her.
“About what?”
“About what you’re worried about. Tell me everything. Everyone needs someone who will listen to all the stupid thoughts they have. I’ve got Lottie, and I hope I can be that person for you. I don’t just want to be your boyfriend. I want to be your best friend.”
She sniffed, and a tear ran down her cheek.
“I want that, too.”
I brushed the tear away and she ducked her head.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because I love you. Sometimes it’s too much for me to stand.” I knew exactly how she felt.
“I love you, too. Now talk.”
She opened her mouth and stuttered for a moment.
“I can’t remember my mother telling me she loved me more than three times. I didn’t know parents were supposed to tell their kids they loved them until I went to other people’s houses. It seemed so odd, people saying they loved each other all the time. It made me uncomfortable, honestly. It seemed weird, to show so much affection.”
Her words made my heart break a little bit. Every time she talked about her family, I wanted to go back and time and rescue her from her family. It made me angry. Her parents might not have hit her, or denied her food, or shelter or anything like that, but they might as well have. They’d denied her love. What kind of parents did that?
“That’s probably why I had such a hard time when you told me you loved me. I’ve only heard it a few times in my life. I never really had close friends. Except for my friends from books.” The last part was said with a smile. Oh, I knew all about her book friends. I had to share her with a teenage wizard. If Harry Potter were real, I’d probably have to beat the shit out of him.
I didn’t say anything, just listened. I could do that.
“I always felt so distant from other people and I never knew why. I thought I was broken, or something. So I started trying to find what I was missing. I went with a few boys, had some sex, but it didn’t work. Then I tried going with Bryan, because my parents approved of him. I thought a good boy who didn’t pressure me for sex would love me. But he didn’t. And then I tried with Eddie, and that didn’t work, either.” Her voice shook a little when she talked about Eddie.
“Nothing worked. Until you. But I realized that all those other times, I was trying to force something that wasn’t there. And with you, I tried to fight it, but it happened anyway.”
That made me smile. I loved when she talked about me as if I’d somehow had anything to do with this. As if I’d had some special power to make her fall in love with me. I wasn’t the instigator here. It was definitely her.
“Love happens when you don’t expect it. It sneaks up on you and latches on.”
I couldn’t help but comment.
“That’s so romantic, Aud.”
She narrowed her eyes. “I never said I was a poet, Will.”
“I never said you had to be. I don’t want one of those girls who goes on and on about my many perfections.” This time she pulled her pillow out from under her head and hit me with it.
“You’re such an ass sometimes.”
“But you love my ass,” he said.
“It’s not bad.”
She took the pillow back and put it under her head again.
“I don’t know what else to say. No one’s ever listened to me like this. It’s kind of intimidating.”
“It shouldn’t be. It’s just me.”
She sighed and started telling another story about a birthday party. It was a little bit sweet and a little bit sad and ended with her not getting the present she’d so desperately wanted.
“I bet you always got what you wanted,” she said, twisting some of my hair around her finger.
“I had a twin sister and our birthdays were on Christmas. I never got what I wanted. Lottie always did. I claimed it was a conspiracy against me, but I was overruled. As usual. You don’t argue with my mother and win. She should have been a lawyer, honestly. My dad just agrees with whatever she says. I always thought he was a wuss for not standing up to her, but now that I’m with you, I know exactly why he didn’t. He couldn’t. She wore the pants.”
“I wear the pants?” he asked.
I nodded.
“You wear the pants, Aud. But I get to take them off you.”
“That sounds fair. I’m okay with wearing the pants.”
We started trading stories about our birthdays and I felt bad for telling her about mine. They hadn’t seemed like anything spectacular at the time, but compared to hers, they were heaven, and suddenly, I knew what to get her for Valentine’s Day.
“Okay, if you could have a birthday party do-over, what would you do?” She thought about that, her hand absentmindedly stroking my arm.
“I always wanted to go roller skating. A few girls from my class had roller skating parties and they’d never invite me, but I’d hear about them at school and they always sounded amazing. They’d have cool lights, and pizza and cake and games and they’d do the Chicken Dance. It sounds so childish and silly now, but I always hoped that my parents would surprise me with one.”