“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s happening. Please, Audrey.” I still couldn’t find it in myself to move or speak. All I could do was breathe and wait for something to happen.
Will looked away from me and spoke to someone over his shoulder.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her.” Another face joined his in my line of vision.
“Hey, Aud. Are you okay? My brother here is really worried about you. Do you think you could say something to us?”
I tried to find my voice but it was lost. Lost like the rest of my brain. I searched and tried to find them both, but they were gone far away. Out of reach.
“I think we need to call someone. I think she’s in shock,” Lottie said. “Or maybe we should slap her or something. They do that in movies. You know, snap her out of it.”
“You’re not slapping her, Lot. That’s ridiculous. She just needs a second to get out of it. She’s just . . .” I didn’t know what I was just.
“Can you blink for me, Aud? One blink for yes, two for no. Are you okay?” What a question. I knew I wasn’t okay, but I didn’t want him calling someone else. So I blinked once.
“Okay, good. That’s good. Did something happen?” Another loaded question. I blinked once again.
“What happened, Aud? Tell me.”
I opened my mouth and tried.
I was scared shitless. The last time I remembered being this scared was when Lottie broke her leg sledding and I thought she’d died.
But now Aud was in some sort of state and I didn’t know how to reach her, or what to do, or how to fix it. I just wanted to f**king fix it.
“I can’t,” were the first words that came out, but I was just so relieved she was speaking that I didn’t care what she was saying. I gathered her into my arms and held her hard. Probably too hard. Maybe enough to suffocate her.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. I promise you, Aud. Everything’s going to be okay.” I was almost shaking, but at least she was talking.
“I’m sorry,” she said. Over and over. And then I felt her body start to shake and sobs rip from her mouth. It was one of the most horrible sounds I’d ever heard. Like she was being ripped apart.
I just held her harder as Lottie looked on, her hands fluttering around us, because she didn’t know what to do to help.
“It’s okay, it’s okay.” She abruptly stopped crying and pushed away from me.
“Oh, Will,” she said, wiping her eyes and taking the tissue Lottie handed her.
“Hey, it’s okay.” I tried to smile, but my face was stiff with worry. Lottie sat next to Audrey on the bed and put her arm around her. An Anders sandwich.
“What happened?” Lottie said. I glared at her. Now was not the time.
“Nothing. Nothing happened,” Aud said, shaking her head and trying to get away from us. Neither Lottie or I was going to let that happen.
“No, I’m sorry, that’s not going to cut it this time. You have to tell me. Otherwise, I’ll . . . I’ll . . .” I didn’t know what I’d do, but it would be something drastic.
“We’ll call your parents,” Lottie said, getting up and grabbing Audrey’s new phone that she’d bought on her shopping trip with Trish. Brilliant move, Lot.
“NO!” Audrey struggled to get out of my arms and take the phone from Lottie, but I held on tight. “No, please don’t! Please!”
She clawed at me and it was a struggle to hold onto her.
“Just tell me, Aud. What’s wrong?”
“Everything! Everything is wrong, Will!” she screamed and finally stopped fighting me. “You think I’m perfect and you put me on this pedestal, but I’m not perfect. I’m not!”
I had no idea what she was talking about. I adored her, but that didn’t mean I thought she was perfect. But I must have made her feel that way.
“I don’t think you’re perfect. Well, maybe a little. I just know that I love you, which means I love everything about you. Everything, including your flaws and your imperfections and all the things you hate about yourself. That’s what love is, and what makes it unconditional. I wish I could make you believe that.” What more could I do? I’d said it so many times, I’d tried to show her, but I was out of ideas.
“Do you need me to declare it in front of a bunch of people? Hire a skywriter? Surprise you with a flash mob? Whatever you need me to do to prove to you that nothing, nothing would change how I see you right now, at this moment, I’ll do. Just tell me what you want.”
“I want you to leave me alone, Will. I need you to go. I need to be alone. Please.”
The words hit me deep in the chest, burrowed in and started tearing me apart. I’d worked so hard, so hard to get us to where we were and now she wanted to end it.
“No,” I said. “I don’t accept that. I’m not letting you run away again. You’re going to have to physically remove me from this room to get rid of me.” Sure, that might be a childish, but it was a last resort. It was the kind of thing I’d pull with Lottie.
“You can’t do that,” she said.
“Yes, I damn well can. Lottie, back me up.” I turned toward her and she bit her lip, conflicted. “Come on, you know I’m right.”
“I know you’re right, but this is hard for me, Will. I hate it when you put me in this position. I knew this was going to happen.”
Audrey started struggling again, but not as hard as before.
“Why did you have to come into my life? I was fine and then you had to show up and I had to fall in love with you. You’re such an ass**le.” This was definitely not a laughing moment, but I laughed anyway.
“Shut up,” she said, and stopped fighting me again. “It’s not funny. This is so far from funny, William. So far.”
“Okay, it seems like the situation is in control now and I need to get . . . somewhere else. Call if you need anything.” Lottie scampered out of the room, sensing that we needed some privacy. Not that she wouldn’t find out later, or just know, like she always did.
The door closed behind her and I put all my attention back on Aud.
“Can you give me anything? You don’t have to say names, or anything. Can you even give me a hypothetical situation?”
She licked her lips.
“Can you get me a bottle of water out of the fridge?” If she’d asked me to travel to Hoth and bring her back a tauntaun, I would have done it.