I shook my head and felt a blush color my cheeks.
“I don’t deserve you,” I said.
“Sure you do.” He winked and went back to his book, but I had a much harder time going back to mine.
This thing was going to catch up with me, sooner or later. I’d thought that I could outrun it, but it was true, what they said. You couldn’t outrun your problems. They would always find you, just when you thought that you’d gotten free of them.
I’d considered telling Will a hundred thousand times. But I just wanted us to stay as we were and telling him would change us, one way or another.
We worked for most of the day, and I barely got anything accomplished. I’d have to find Will-free time to finish everything I needed to get done. Before him, my studies had been the only thing I’d filled my time and my brain space with. But now he’d crowded all that out and I didn’t know if I even wanted to go back to the person I was before.
I’d had more laughter and more joy with Will in a few months than I’d had in a long time. Even before everything had fallen apart in my life. Maybe I’d always been falling apart, and I’d only just realized it. I’d been born with cracks that had only gotten wider, increased in size. And now I was finally starting to fill them in with something.
Will made me see so many things that I’d never noticed before, and he had no idea he was even doing it.
“I’m starving,” he said, slamming his book shut and earning glares from some of the other people around us. He definitely didn’t belong in this quiet corner of the library. He had a hard time being still and a hard time being quiet. Not that I minded.
“Do you want to eat here, or go somewhere else?”
“Here is fine.” We were packing up our things when a familiar voice said, “Fancy meeting you two here.”
“Lottie,” Will said, sighing. “One of these days, I’m going to revoke your twindar privileges.” She stuck her tongue out at him as Zan nodded to both of us, trying to fight an amused smile. I was fighting one myself. Will and Lottie were too entertaining for their own good.
“Good luck with that, William. So, we were wondering if you’d like to have dinner? Everyone else is indisposed tonight.” Lottie said.
“What are you doing on campus on a Saturday?” Will said, ignoring her question.
“I’m following you, dumbass,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “We also have homework to do, you know. Zan had a study session and I decided that this establishment was more conducive to me getting work done than the apartment. And it’s none of your business what I do and where I go, anyway.”
Will moved to make some sort of retort, but I stepped between them.
“No fighting or bloodshed in the library. This is a sacred place. Respect the books.”
“Yeah, Will. Respect the books. What would Mom say?” she said. He gave her quite a glare, but I pushed on his chest and he looked at me instead.
“Respect the books,” I said. Not that Will and Lottie would ever get violent, but they might disturb the other library patrons with their fun.
“Fine. But this isn’t over. I’m watching you.” He used two fingers to point at his eyes and then at Lottie. She did the same.
“Are you done, L?” Zan said, putting his hand on Lottie’s shoulder.
“For now.” She grinned up at him and pushed some of his hair out of his face.
The four of us walked the short distance to the Union, Will and Lottie still trading jabs. I shared a look with Zan.
“I’m worried that one of these days they’re going to kill each other,” he said in a low voice as the other two argued.
“They love each other too much. And one would miss the other.”
He nodded.
“True. I don’t think they can exist separately.”
“Agreed.”
“Stop talking about us!” Will and Lottie said at the same time.
18
Simon had a rare night when he could stay with Brady, so Will and I decided to stay in his room. I would have rather stayed in mine, honestly, and not just because all my stuff was there.
“If I would have known this was happening, I might have thought about cleaning a bit. Sorry.” He waded through the clothes on the floor. “Simon bought me a hamper, but it takes up space, and then it’s a pain in the ass to carry it to the laundry room, so, I just . . . Yeah.”
“It’s fine,” I said, flopping down on his bed. At least that was made, and judging by how well it was made, Simon was the culprit. It was actually shocking that Simon hadn’t cleaned Will’s side of the room while he was staying with me. Would have been the perfect opportunity to organize everything to his exacting standards.
“May I offer you a drink?” He opened the mini fridge and gestured to the cans and bottles inside.
“Um, Coke is fine.”
“We also have a wide variety of tea, thanks to the sister-who-shall-not-be-named.” I snorted as he handed me the can. He wasn’t aware of his subtle Harry Potter reference, but I was.
“The soda’s fine.” He kept tripping on things and his hands almost looked like they were shaking.
“Are you okay?” Was he nervous? Whatever for?
“Yeah, fine. It’s just that this is the first time you’ve stayed over at my place and it’s not as clean as yours and I’m sorry.” His rambles were getting more frequent lately.
“Will, a dirty room isn’t going to send me packing. Now, if you had a collection of human heads under your bed, then I might have a few questions, but I don’t care about a few dirty clothes, or a little bit of mess. It’s fine, honestly.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him down on the bed next to me.
“You know, the clothes on the floor look lonely,” I said, climbing into his lap and straddling his hips with my legs.
“Do they?” he said, looking up at me and pushing my hair back with both of his hands.
“Yeah, I think they might need some friends.” I gathered the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head, tossing it on the floor with the rest of his clothes.
“That’s definitely better,” Will said, his voice cracking a little. I laughed and started dragging his shirt over his head.
I was using sex to avoid thinking about the things I didn’t want to think about. Just because I knew I was doing it, and that it was wrong, didn’t mean I was going to stop anytime soon. Sex with Will was sweet and raw and made me feel like I could do anything. It felt so good.