“If you do what they want, you’d be letting yourself down.” Jake sat up, shifting his chair closer to me and tugging on my hand, demanding my attention. I had nowhere to look but into his sincere eyes. “Baby, since as long as I’ve known you, you’ve wanted to be a cop and Delia and Jim know that. Yeah, it can be a dangerous job. Yeah, they’ll worry about you. I’ll worry about you. But it’s what you want to do. Who knows … you could go to the academy and do a year or two of being a rookie and absolutely hate it. But at least you’ll know. At least you’ll never regret not going for it.”
Unconsciously, I rubbed my thumb across his hand, an affectionate gesture of thanks. “I should talk to them. Make them listen.”
“Yes. You should definitely do that.” He eased back from me, letting go of my hand. I looked away from him again.
“Do you have any regrets?” Why oh why did I ask that?
Clearly I was a masochist.
Jake was silent so long, I didn’t think he was going to answer. Finally, he replied, his voice thick with … everything, “Yeah, I’ve got a few of those.”
Hearing the emotion in his voice, I couldn’t help but turn back to him. I needed to. When I did, I sucked in my breath at the blaze of anguish in his eyes. There was no mistaking that the anguish was all for me. I felt my cheeks burn, my blood quickening with fire in an instant. Dry-mouthed, pulse throbbing, I was frightened to move, sure that if one of us did, something would happen. Something we couldn’t take back.
The door to the kitchen blasted open and Claudia burst in, books tumbling out of her arms as she leapt toward the kitchen table. Once her load was deposited on the table, she turned to us and pulled off her wooly knit cap. “I hate studying.” She pouted, looking adorable with her cheeks rosy red from the cold.
We just stared at her, both of us still trapped in our moment.
Claud made a face. “You two okay?”
I searched my brain for something, anything, to say. “They call studying ‘revising’ here, did you know that?”
Jake laughed shakily and stood up. “I did not know that. Does that make sense? Isn’t revising editing?”
Claudia looked from Jake to me and her eyebrows dipped with suspicion.
“I think you’re right.”
“Hmm.” He nodded and then clapped his hands together. “Well, I’m going to go.” He lifted his chin to me and smiled at Claud as he strolled out of the room.
As soon as we heard the front door shut, Claudia turned to me, her hands braced on her hips. “What the hell was that?”
I opened my mouth to lie and then thought better of it. Instead I groaned and let my head fall between my knees, my hair brushing the ground as I replied, “I think that was Jake telling me he regretted dumping me.”
“WHAT?” My head was suddenly shoved back up, Claudia’s fingers curled in my hair as she stared wide-eyed into my face. “Say again?”
I grabbed her hands, wincing as I uncurled her grip on my hair. “It wasn’t said in so many words.”
“Explain.”
So I did, leaving Claudia convinced that Jake and I were playing with fire. I wasn’t sure she wasn’t wrong. However, I didn’t want to stop hanging out with him. I was afraid I was addicted to him again, and since Melissa obviously didn’t seem to be too bothered by us hanging out, I wasn’t going to feel guilty about it. It wasn’t like I had any intention of making a move on him. Jake might have inadvertently admitted that he regretted leaving me, but that didn’t mean he loved Melissa any less. In fact, I was sure of it.
Sitting in the library I doodled over my lecture notes, willing myself to concentrate.
I didn’t get far, but that wasn’t my fault.
The chair across from me screeched across the floor, the noise jolting me in my seat. Jake slid into it. Seriously, I needed to stop thinking about him. It made him magically appear everywhere!
He beamed at me, dumping his books on the desk. “You found a table? What, did you get here at six o’ clock this morning?”
I blinked. “Where did you come from?”
“Evanston, Illinois.”
I made a face. “Smart-ass.”
“Hey, that’s my line.”
I searched his amused expression for any trace of awkwardness concerning the night before, but nope. Nothing. It was like it had never happened.
Ignoring a prick of anger I settled back in my chair, my demeanor prim. “I hope you haven’t stopped by to bother me. I’m studying.”
Jake pretended to look offended. “Moi? Bother you? As if I would.”
“You’ve been bothering me since the eleventh grade,” I grumbled.
He seemed far too pleased by this, so I thought it necessary to kick him in the shin under the table. “Oww!” he jerked back in shock.
“Ssshh!” the girl sitting at the desk in front of us admonished, glaring.
“Apologies,” Jake raised a hand in placation. “I’m just a victim of violence.”
She glowered harder and then finally looked back down at her books.
“Your charm failed you that time, Caplin.”
“You should know I bruise like a peach,” he sighed, tutting under his breath. “Marring my perfect body with your Uggs … terrible.”
I fought laughter, not wanting to get us kicked out. “Jake, they’re Uggs. How much damage can they do?”
He leaned down to rub his shin. “A f**k of a lot, clearly. That shit hurt.”
“You’re such a baby.”
“What was that?” he cupped his ear toward me playfully. “I’m such a babe?” he winked. “Already know that, sweetcheeks.”
I laughed. “What is with you today? You’re very chipper.”
“You mean for a guy who just got nailed in the shin by a hundred-pound girl?”
“Oh, we are in the mood to charm today.” A hundred pounds, my ass.
“I’m in a good mood.” Jake shrugged, his boyish smile causing heat to spark in me. I wish it wouldn’t. He was acting an awful lot like the old Jake and I had to admit, I’d missed him. “I’m not allowed to be in a good mood?”
I pushed my books to the side, knowing I definitely wasn’t going to get any studying done with him sitting across from me. “Of course you are. I’m just wondering what it’s all about. You’re extra Jake-like today.”
“Extra Jake-like?” He smiled and shrugged. “What is extra Jake-like?”