Seeing the strain in her features, I asked softly, “Is he hurting you?”
“Is Jake hurting you?”
I took that as a yes. “Should we stop hanging out with them?” It occurred to me that I didn’t know what I wanted her answer to be.
“I wish I could say yes … but I don’t want to stop spending time with Beck.” Claudia sighed and pushed up into a sitting position, tugging her fingers through her hair. “Last night was stupid. I was attracted to Zach, I’m not saying I wasn’t, but it was stupid. I’m pissed off about Beck and I just went for it. You know what, though?” Her expression was a little sheepish as she confessed, “Beck walking in on it made it worthwhile. It made my point. He doesn’t want me, fine. But other guys do.”
“He definitely seemed annoyed.”
“And then he started making out with some random.”
I winced. “You saw that, huh?”
Claudia rolled her eyes. “He’s such a coward. And trying to get reactions out of each other, hurting each other? That’s not good. Definitely not good. I thought last night might have pushed us in a final direction, but he texted me this morning as if everything is fine.”
“Probably because he doesn’t want to stop hanging out with you, just like you don’t want to stop hanging out with him.”
“We’re a mess.”
“So …” I shrugged like it was no big deal. “Sleeping with strangers?”
She cut me a sullen look, as if I’d judged her. “I just wanted to try it.”
“Don’t get defensive. I’m not judging. I swear. It’s just not like you.”
“I know.”
“Well? What was it like?” I was genuinely curious.
Claud wrinkled her nose. “It was good, but not great. Kind of like eating vanilla ice cream when you really only ever eat chocolate.”
I wanted to say I understood that analogy but I didn’t.
“What about Jake? Anything of note happen last night?”
I grunted and proceeded to tell her about him leaving the party in a mood over my escapades.
Now it was Claudia’s turn to look concerned. “Spending time with each other is obviously confusing you. Maybe you should stay away from one another for a while. And don’t say I should take my own advice.” She groaned again and flopped back on the floor. “We suck at this right now.”
“I don’t think it’ll be a problem for me to stay away from Jake. Unlike you, I didn’t get a text this morning and I doubt I will. Ever.” It was hard keeping my tone light, casual, when the very thought of not speaking to Jake again felt like an impossible and painful prospect.
Just as it had felt almost four years ago.
After saying such to Claudia, I was taken aback to find Jake waiting at the gates to our courtyard a few days later. I was heading out for the gym on our usual day and Jake always met me there. But I hadn’t expected to see him after the Halloween party.
Trying to calm my heart, I slowed to a stop in front of him. He was leaning against the wall, his hands inside the pockets of the black, double-breasted wool coat he wore over his black jeans. A soft blue scarf was tied around his neck, bracing him against the Scottish Fall. Could it have killed him to not look good … just once?
I was wrapped up warm in my own coat and scarf but I was wearing my gym clothes underneath. Jake was here … but by his attire, I could assume he wasn’t coming to the gym with me. So why was he here?
Jake lifted his gaze from the ground and once again, my body reacted to the impact of his dark eyes. I shivered and crossed my arms over my chest in a protective gesture.
“I’m sorry about the other night,” he apologized softly.
“It’s okay.” I knew we were both wondering if I meant it.
The silence between us became too thick to bear and I made a little huffing noise before telling him dryly, “I didn’t sleep with him. And he wasn’t happy about it.” Why was I explaining myself? Was I really that afraid of him being mad at me? After what’d he’d done? It occurred to me I might need therapy.
As I pondered over whether it was a bad idea to get free therapy from Andie, since she was hardly impartial over the subject, a dangerous alertness leapt into Jake’s expression. “How not happy? Did he do something to you?” he pushed off the wall, bristling with aggression.
I hurried to assure him. “No, no. He was just a jerk. But an honest one.”
“Lowe didn’t say. He just said he walked you home.”
“Yeah.”
The silence returned.
Two girls walked past, their eyes glued to Jake. As they walked up the hill away from us, they started giggling and casting smiles at him over their shoulders.
Some things never changed.
“It took me off guard,” Jake suddenly said.
I turned back to him, frowning in confusion. “What?”
“Seeing you … with him. It took me off guard. I reacted badly. I’m sorry.”
Even more confused than I’d already been, I dragged a hand over my head and down through my ponytail, trying to think what the best answer was. Something not confusing. Something that reminded us where we were now. I didn’t do it gently. “It’s been a while, Jake. You must know that there have been other guys.” Guy singular, but he didn’t need to know that. I’d already explained myself when I didn’t need to, confusing the situation even more.
If I were anyone else, I would’ve missed that little flare of anger in the back of his eyes. He hid it well and he hid it quickly. “Of course. I’m just trying to wrap my head around all of this. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday we were lying in the back of my truck, you know.”
“Well, it wasn’t.”
Jake studied me a moment and I tried my best not to squirm. Finally, he nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just came here to see if I hadn’t f**ked everything up again.”
I wanted to scream at him—demand to know why he’d f**ked everything up in the first place, and then stuck the knife in deeper by bringing another girl to the place we’d planned to come together. Instead, I nodded tightly. “We’re good.”
He appeared to relax a little and he gave me a small smile. “We’ll go to the gym together next time, yeah?”
My answering smile was equally small. “Sure.”
“So your mom says Jacob Caplin’s there and that you’re spending time with him.”