By the time the team took the ice, I wasn’t thinking about Audrey or What’s-His-Name, or anything else. The only thing on my mind was the sound of skates clapping against the ice and that the goalie was still recovering from a pulled hamstring. I was a mediocre hockey player, not good enough for the team, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t imagine myself out on the ice, racing from one end to the other.
I used to get out on the ice all the time when Lottie and I were kids. She’d strap on a pair of my old skates and we’d go down to the pond near our house and play pickup games.
Why had we stopped doing that? I couldn’t remember the last time I’d put on a pair of skates. Hell, I didn’t even know where my skates were. Probably buried in the garage somewhere under boxes of books.
I was fully immersed in the game and suddenly there was one of those moments when everything got quiet at once, and Audrey’s laughter cut through the silence. She sat four people away, but I’d hear her laugh anywhere.
I allowed myself one glace at her during a time out. Just one.
Her head was thrown back and she held onto Tyler’s arm while she laughed so hard she was gasping. Then Lottie’s glaring face invaded my vision and ruined my Audrey starefest.
Cut it out, William. You’re almost in stalker territory.
Seriously , she mouthed at me. I looked back at the ice where play had resumed. Only a moment later, the DU Moose scored and everyone rose in unison to cheer.
I was a second behind everyone else and my cheering wasn’t as enthusiastic as it could have been.
Hockey could only distract me for a few moments. Then the jealousy took over.
I could feel Will watching me, even though I tried to ignore it.
It had been Lottie’s idea to invite Tyler. She’d asked him during class so there was no way to prevent it from happening. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so friendly with him, but I didn’t have a reason not to be. There was no law that said I couldn’t be friends with both of them.
We lost the game, but it didn’t matter much to me. I ended up having a great time, but it was colored darker by the jealousy radiating off Will. I’d thought we were getting past that, but maybe seeing me with Tyler made it come out again.
I felt horrible about it. I didn’t want to hurt Will, which was one of the reasons I wished I could have just had the courage to end it in the first place.
We decided to go warm up and get pizza after the game. I snagged Will’s arm, sending Lottie a covert signal to give me some privacy so she nabbed Tyler and started talking his ear off.
“I need to talk to you,” I said, nudging him away so no one could hear us.
“Okay,” he said, his face void of emotion. Very un-Will-like. He folded his arms, clenched his jaw and waited for me to say something. I didn’t need to ask him how he felt. His body language told me everything.
“I thought we were starting over,” I said.
He held his pissed off position for a few more seconds but then he crumbled.
“We are.”
“Then why have you been glaring daggers at Tyler the whole night? And why are you jealous of him at all? We’re just friends. Am I not allowed to be friends with boys now?” He took off his hat and buried his face in it and growled in frustration.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ve been acting like a jealous boyfriend and I have no right to be. Not only because I’m not your boyfriend, but also because you weren’t even doing anything. I wish I could just . . . flick a switch and turn this off.”
I never, ever should have started anything with him. I should have shut him down at the very beginning. I knew this was going to happen and now I was living my nightmare.
“It’s just . . . going to take some time. I guess the starting over didn’t work out so well. Maybe we just need a break from each other. Some distance.” If anyone had to sacrifice, it was going to be me. If I had to not see my friends for a while, then that was what I’d have to do.
“Distance?”
“Yeah. Maybe if I’m not around, we’ll both be able to focus on new things or new people and then we can come back with clear heads. What do you think?”
There was a part of me, a part I wished I could drown deep down inside me, that wanted him to say no. To grab me and kiss me and tell me that he wasn’t going to let me go, ever again. And then I’d kiss him back and we’d walk over to our friends and they would cheer and probably do something embarrassing as a collective. And it would be perfect until the time came to tell him what kind of girl I really was and then it would be over and I’d be left alone.
Might as well cut him to the quick.
“I . . . I’m going to go. Can you tell everyone that I wasn’t feeling well?” I started to walk away, but he stopped me.
“Don’t walk away like this. Please, Audrey. I can see how much you’re hurting. I’m hurting too. And why? Can you honestly stand there and tell me that you don’t feel something for me? Can you do that?” He pulled me close so I didn’t have any choice but to look in his eyes, which were so much like his sister’s and had so much passion in them.
I had to swallow a few times before my mouth was wet enough to speak.
“I do feel for you, Will. You’re my friend. But that’s all.” I couldn’t say more at the risk of saying too much.
“You’re lying, Aud.” I was. “I can see it. So if you’re lying and hiding your feelings, then that means that there’s some reason you think we can’t be together.”
“That’s not it, Will.” I struggled, but he wouldn’t let me go. I could feel everyone watching us, but there wasn’t anything we could do about that now. All I could do was convince him that I didn’t care about him as much as I did. “It’s not going to happen, okay? You and me. Isn’t. Going. To. Happen.”
Being nice hadn’t worked. Maybe being a bitch would.
His jaw clenched again and he stepped away from me. I might as well have slapped him in the face. I hated hurting him, but it was now, or later.
“I tried to make you understand, but this isn’t going to work. I need to not see you for a while.” He started to say something else, but I put my hand up to stop him.
“Just let me go, Will. Just let me go.” I turned my face away so he wouldn’t see me crying (again) and walked as fast as I could back to my dorm. There were plenty of people milling around campus after the game, so it was easy to get lost in the crowd. I heard my name being called by multiple voices, but I ignored them and kept walking.