Nikki understood him enough to know he was also blaming himself for his role in her sister-in- law’s pain. But she knew better than to reach out to him. She’d been slapped down before.
She grabbed for the bag Kevin carried and glanced inside. Tony’s uniform—the one he’d worn the night of the shooting—had finally been released by the police. “Can you take it home and I’ll bring it back later in the week?” she asked, thinking of how upset Janine had been minutes earlier. “She can get to this last, after she’s dealt with everything else.”
He hesitated. “Are you sure?”
Nikki nodded. “She’s a wreck in there.”
“Okay then. I trust your judgment.” He took the bag out of her hands.
“How’s Max?” she asked, unable to help herself.
“Sober right now. But he’s not in pain either, and that means he’ll probably drink again.”
She nodded. “Is he working?”
“He must be, because he has the money for alcohol. He’s not getting it from me since I’m paying his rent directly to the landlord.”
Enabling his father. Taking responsibility when it wasn’t his to take. “Did you read the literature I gave you?” she asked.
“I appreciate the effort you made, but unless Max wants to be helped, there’s nothing I can do.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “Suit yourself.” She didn’t ask if he wanted to be helped. He’d have to come to that conclusion on his own. She’d obviously done all she could toward guiding Kevin in the right direction. Toward family. She couldn’t make him take those final steps there.
She pointed toward the bedroom. “I really should get back to Janine.”
“I can let myself out.”
She turned and headed for the bedroom, unwilling to spend another moment looking into Kevin’s dark eyes and wishing for things that couldn’t be.
“I’ll see you at home.”
Nikki turned. Taking a deep breath, she drew on all her reserve strength. “Don’t wait up,” she said and shut the bedroom door behind her.
She had no intention of going back until after dark, after Kevin was in bed, after he’d gone to sleep. She couldn’t handle him turning to her in bed. Not after he’d turned her out of his life.
* * *
Muffled voices sounded from the other room. Kevin paced the floor of Janine’s apartment and wondered how the hell he’d managed to screw up the only good thing to happen to him in this lifetime.
Instead of leaving, he sat down on the couch. The papers Nikki had given him were bulky in his pocket, and he removed them, unfolding them and giving them a cursory glance. A substance abuse program was only as strong as the person joining it, and to date, Max had shown no inclination to sober up for good.
Despite himself, the literature was interesting reading. Leave it to Nikki to dig up information not only for the alcoholic, but for their families. He figured she was trying to tell him something.
Stretching out his feet, he glanced back toward the closed bedroom door. Tony was gone. Janine was on her way. Max wasn’t a positive part of his life. Nikki was right—she was all he had left. He could work on keeping her there—or lose her for good.
The solitary life he’d chosen no longer held great appeal. Hell, most of his life no longer satisfied him. Three months ago he’d have said he didn’t care whether or not he was happy as long as the people he cared about were safe; that had changed.
He hadn’t drifted by the police station to talk to O’Neill because he’d referred him some clients. The telephone would have sufficed for that. Once again, Nikki was right. His trip there was a big deal. Kevin wanted more than eating, sleeping and breathing. He was coming out of the coma he’d been in since Tony was killed. Because of Nikki.
But he had a long way to go before he could thank her, or try to bring her completely into his life. He rose to his feet glancing back at the closed bedroom door. He realized he was taking a risk by continuing to shut her out, but the urge to protect her remained. Checking the address on the pamphlets, he folded the papers and shoved them into his back pocket.
But until he was certain he could offer her everything she wanted, everything she deserved, he was better off not getting her hopes up.
After all, hadn’t he let her down before?
* * *
Nikki slipped into the house quietly and shut the door behind her. The silence told her she’d stalled long enough and Kevin was asleep. She just wished she and Janine had finished their painful task today, but there was more of Tony’s things to go through. The lingering and the memories had taken up more time than they’d planned.
She tiptoed into the family room. For the first time since her marriage less than a week ago, she would sleep alone in her old bed. The notion chilled her and she hoped it wasn’t a foreshadowing of her future.
She reached the middle of the floor when the room flooded with light. She let out a startled scream and jumped back, her heart pounding hard in her chest.
“I suppose I should be grateful you came home at all.”
She pivoted toward Kevin’s angry voice. “Of course I came home. I live here.”
He leaned against the wall, looking forbidding and furious. A muscle ticked in his jaw as he studied her through narrowed eyes. But her gaze was drawn to the rest of him, to the jeans that rode low on his hips and muscles rippling along his bare chest. She tried to swallow but her mouth had grown dry. She didn’t stand a chance against him if she couldn’t control her physical reactions.
“You could have called. Or didn’t it occur to you that I’d be worried?” he asked.
“Of course it occurred to me. Protecting is your favorite pastime.”
“You make it sound like that’s a bad thing.”
“Maybe because it is.” Nikki drew a deep breath. She hadn’t consciously planned an argument, but what did she expect when she’d deliberately stayed out until midnight? Perhaps they needed to clear the air, since she couldn’t live with the pent-up anger any longer.
He stepped into the room. “Care to explain? I’m concerned about you and my child, and there’s something wrong with that?” he asked. Then he took another step closer.
Nikki’s breath caught in her throat. Anticipation and adrenaline flooded her veins. Yes, perhaps this argument was exactly what they needed for her to regain control of her senses and of her life.
She’d tiptoed around Kevin for too long. “What you feel is beyond concern. It’s control.”