And after she’d let him know she planned to finish school and find a job, maybe he’d be twice as relieved. Because soon after, he could be relieved of her as well.
* * *
Kevin sat on the couch, listening to the sounds of the night. He wasn’t surprised Nikki had chosen to stay late at Janine’s. It seemed to be a habit with her these days, her crawling into their bed after she thought he was asleep. But not tonight.
Tonight she needed to listen to what he had to say. To know he was making an effort to do as she asked and give her the family she wanted, by learning how to separate himself from his past. Opening himself up to her wouldn’t be easy. He wasn’t sure he was prepared. But by the time she walked into the house, he was ready.
“Hi.” She put her keys onto a small table and looked at him, questions in her eyes. “What are you doing up?”
“Waiting for you.”
“Oh.” She bit down on her lower lip. “How come?”
“I wanted to talk.” He patted the cushion beside him. “Have a seat?”
She nodded. “Because I needed to talk to you too.” She sat down beside him. The scent he’d come to associate with Nikki—with this house—permeated the air, wrapped around him.
Without prompting, she drew closer and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt good—beyond sexually arousing him, she lifted his spirits and lightened the burden that was his life.
For that, he owed her. “You said you wanted to talk. Ladies first.”
She didn’t argue the point, another odd sign. Instead she pushed herself away, setting distance between them. Distance he hadn’t wanted.
She curled her legs beneath her so that her baggy shirt draped over her knees. “It’s about the night Tony was killed.”
All the air left his lungs in a mad rush, while everything inside him froze. Not that he’d put it behind him. He lived with the reality every day of his life. Just looking into Nikki’s eyes on a daily basis reminded him of his failures, and his similarities to his father. He could change his reactions to his father’s behavior, but he couldn’t change heredity.
“Could you replay that night for me?” she asked. “Please?”
He’d relived that night to the department’s satisfaction only because he too had violated procedure by checking on Max while on duty, and because he wanted official closure on Tony’s death. But he hadn’t opened up for the shrink his boss had suggested he see, nor did he want to start now. His nightmares and daily living were enough of a replay for him.
“I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important,” she said.
This was Nikki asking him to open up and hadn’t he just said he owed her? He had no choice but to give her what she asked for. “We were on duty but it was quiet. And for a change I needed to pick up after Max.”
Silence pulsed thick around them. She obviously respected his need to do this his way. But as he spoke, all the responsibility and guilt he’d been trying to let go came flooding back. “I was violating procedure, but neither of us mentioned it. Tony understood. He knew all about Max.”
Which was more than Nikki could say, she thought. Until he’d had no choice but to enlighten her, she knew nothing about his alcoholic parent or his childhood. To be fair though, she shouldn’t have expected him to open up to her. He hadn’t shared her dreams of happily ever after, even after forever had been thrust upon him.
“Max’s landlord had called. He hadn’t seen him in over twenty-four hours, and with Max, silence is as much trouble as his harassment. I went inside alone while Tony waited in the car.” He clenched and unclenched his fists. “It was supposed to be a quick check. My radio relayed a nine-one-one call and I ran for the car. Tony was supposed to wait.”
“But he didn’t.”
“No. I came outside and he was gone. By the time I caught up with him...”
He didn’t have to finish his sentence. They both knew how it ended. “And you blame yourself.”
“Of course. I had no business being with Max while I was on duty. Add to that, I should have known that if Tony got a call, he’d take off—with me or without me.”
Bingo, Nikki thought. “So it’s your fault my brother was a renegade cop?”
“It’s my fault I wasn’t there to back him up. The reason Tony and I worked so well together was because we anticipated each other’s every move. I was always able to second-guess him before he got himself in trouble. Until I was distracted by Max.”
“So you think you blew it. Let Tony down.”
He nodded. “I let all of you down. Tony, you, Janine—in the worst possible way. I let myself get distracted and I didn’t take care of what counted. I proved my father’s prophecy right... What the hell are we talking about this for?” he asked suddenly.
Before he could jump from the couch, Nikki grabbed for his hand. “What prophecy?” she asked.
“It’s nothing.”
“I think it’s something or else you wouldn’t be carrying it around with you. So give.”
Kevin met her gaze with a steely one of his own. “When did you become a bossy thing?” he asked.
“I’ve always been one. You just haven’t paid attention. Now answer the question.”
“Max believes Mannings aren’t good at taking care of anyone but themselves.”
She’d heard that before and rolled her eyes.
“It’s true in his case, and haven’t I been proving that lately? First Tony, then sleeping with you, getting you pregnant...”
She blinked, stunned by his logic and hurt by his words. Although she realized he hadn’t meant to wound her, he certainly had.
He’d also given her a perfect opening for both things she had to say. “Well, I can relieve you of some of that misplaced guilt. Janine was going through Tony’s personal effects from work. Did you know he’d been officially reprimanded many times for failure to follow procedure?” She reached into her bag and pulled out the stack of papers. “The latest one was given on the morning of the day he was killed.”
He folded his arms over his chest. “I wasn’t privy to anything in his private files.”
She waved the papers in front of his face, frustrated that she hadn’t cracked the stoic but self-deprecating facade he presented. “Don’t you understand what these mean? They absolve you of responsibility. Tony was my brother and I loved him, but he was a loose cannon and responsible for his own death. You two chose to stop by Max’s together, but he chose to go off without you.”