“It’ll be too dark for you to take a cab... Never mind.” Forcing himself to back off wasn’t easy.
But words he’d read in Nikki’s photocopied literature came back to haunt him. Questions for adult children of alcoholics, the paper had read. And Kevin had taken to reading them over at bedtime, when he was alone. He’d rather have been with Nikki, but she’d refused, citing his need to control and his inability to reach out to her. Questions he hadn’t wanted to take seriously, but questions he couldn’t ignore.
Did he anticipate problems when life was going smoothly? Did he isolate himself from other people? Did he have trouble with intimate relationships? Did he feel responsible for others, as he did for his drunken father? There were more, but those were the ones that stayed with him. Day after day, night after night.
He looked around him, at the room where he’d heard his baby’s heartbeat for the first time. At the woman with whom he could share his life—if only he could learn how.
There was a way, he thought, recalling the literature once more. But he didn’t know if he had it in him to take the steps he needed to take. He didn’t know if he could ever stop blaming himself... for many things.
If he failed at this, he wanted to do it alone if not in peace. But if he won, if he conquered this next demon, they both had a chance at a future.
“Kevin?”
He blinked at the sound of her voice. “What is it?”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
“Being here. And letting me go.” A soft smile curved at her lips.
He understood her, just as she understood him. And that was their start.
* * *
One by one they filed out of the Al-Anon meeting room. Men and women looking just like him. Most held steady jobs. Some were married, others single. They looked like well-adjusted adults. But the one thing they had in common made Kevin question the last. They were all adult children of alcoholics.
He sat in his seat long after the others were gone, thinking about the most important things he’d heard here today.
He wasn’t responsible for Max’s alcoholism, nor his recovery. That much he’d known going in. He’d told Nikki the same thing when she’d asked him if he’d read the information she’d given him.
He shouldn’t do things for Max that he could do for himself. In other words, he shouldn’t be paying his rent when his father was an adult capable of holding down a job and earning money to pay the rent himself. If he chose to spend a paycheck on booze instead of necessities, that was his problem, not Kevin’s. Yeah, like he could live with himself if his father got thrown out on the street.
But if he didn’t stop aiding Max, Max’s life would never be separate from his. And if he didn’t get the lousy parts of Max’s life out of his own, he didn’t stand a chance with Nikki.
He glanced up to see the meeting leader standing in front of him.
“Glad to have you here,” he said. “I hope you found us helpful.”
Kevin heard the sound of his baby’s heartbeat echoing inside his head. He saw Nikki’s expectant face. He nodded at the man. “Helpful enough that I’ll be back.”
* * *
“Did you tell Kevin about your meeting at the college? Janine asked.
Nikki folded the last sweater in her brother’s closet and turned to face her sister-in-law. “No.”
“Avoiding?” Janine asked in a teasing tone.
Nikki was grateful she could laugh in the midst of this chore. It made what was to come just a tiny bit easier. “You could say that.”
Janine grinned. “I just did.”
Nikki nodded. “Speaking of avoiding... Remember when we started this a few days ago?” She gestured to the bags and boxes scattered around the room.
“Like I could forget? Why?”
“Well, Kevin came by that day. And I told you he’d been by the station house and wanted to let you know they’d found a box of some of Tony’s personal effects and they’d turn it over to you soon, remember?”
Janine grabbed for a pillow on the bed and hugged it tight against her rounded stomach. “Go on.”
“Well, they’d already done it. But I wanted it to be the last thing you dealt with, not the first. So the bag’s in the living room. Along with his uniform from that night.” She held her breath, waiting for Janine to yell at her for withholding something of Tony’s or for making decisions she had no right to make.
Instead, she exhaled a long breath. “Thank you,” she murmured softly. Her fingers curled tighter around the pillow until they were lost in the feather-like softness.
“So you’re not angry?”
Janine shook her head. “I’m scared to even see his uniform. Last time I did, he was wearing it. And it was covered in...” Her eyes filled with tears and she swiped at them with the back of her hand.
Nikki’s throat constricted and the pain in her chest was overwhelming. “Listen, we don’t have to open the bag. We can put it aside and you can deal with it back home, or we can just...” She shrugged, unable to even suggest they throw out their last link to Tony.
“No. We’ll go through it.” Janine straightened her shoulders. “I have to do this. It’s... closure, you know? Then I can go home and let the good memories take over.” Tossing the pillow aside, she placed her hand over her stomach.
“You’re sure you can handle this?” Nikki asked.
“Are you?”
She grabbed for Janine’s free hand and clutched it inside of her own. “Hey, I’m as tough as you and don’t ever forget it,” she said, striving for a lightness neither of them felt.
Janine smiled. “Tony was proud of you, you know. If he never said it, it was because he was a big tough guy. But he loved you and he always knew you’d make something of yourself.”
“So instead I got myself knocked up. Good thing he wasn’t around to see it.”
“Only because Kevin’s face would be battered beyond recognition.” Janine laughed. “Tony loved him like a brother, but for laying his hands on his baby sister... Then again, he married you, so all would be forgiven. And Kevin is officially part of the family now.”
“Too bad he doesn’t feel that way.”
“Then make him feel it.”
“Don’t you think I’ve tried?” Nikki slammed her hand against the mattress. “He’s like this fortress and the harder I try to get in, the more he shores up his defenses.” And it hurt. She didn’t know how much many more times she could handle being rejected. “Besides he hasn’t come to think of me as anything more than an obligation. Like you said, he did the right thing. Doesn’t mean he’s enjoying it.”