Three breaths later, she said…
“I love you, too.”
Four words.
That changed my life forever.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Demetri
I DIDN’T SLEEP all night.
Instead, I chose to stare at my ceiling.
And think.
I thought about Alec, I thought about Nat, I thought about school, about touring.
And I came to no conclusions. Nothing. I was still on a merry go round and I still had no answers. If I got myself into this mess wasn’t I supposed to be able to pull myself out of it? How do people suddenly just get better?
I mean I’d seen stuff on TV where people say they just stopped being depressed or chose not to be anxious but that wasn’t realistic! I still felt — off. And the more off I felt, the more I wanted pills to at least give me a fake sense of calm.
My entire stomach was in knots by the time we were supposed to leave for school.
I popped two pills.
And made my way out the door to the SUV. Nat was already in her seat waiting.
“Hey Nat,” I called, getting into the car. Alec followed behind me. The air was so freaking tense I would have cracked a joke had I not been so hurt.
“Hey, Demetri.” Nat’s voice quivered.
“Listen—” I turned around while Alec drove the car out of the driveway. “I’m sorry.”
“Huh?” Her jaw dropped. Really? I apologize and she’s surprised? Was I that big of an ass?
I shrugged it off. “I’m sorry I lied.” I turned back around, the awkward silence getting worse by the minute. But what the hell else could I say? I’m sorry I fell in love with you? I’m sorry I want you so bad it hurts? I’m sorry you love my brother more? Or how about this. I’m sorry I’m so messed up that if you asked me to stop doing drugs right this minute — for you. I wouldn’t be able to do it. Yeah, maybe that was it. I was sorry — for every damn thing.
Suffocation by awkwardness was seriously taking place in that SUV — by the time Alec parked, I was ready to jump out the tiny ass window and face plant onto a seagull.
I jerked open the car door and made my way across the parking lot. Ah yes, and this was always my favorite part.
The stares.
You know what sucks about being famous?
Everyone wants to be your friend, everyone wants to freaking be you, they want your life, they want your secrets, they want your damn soul — until you mess up.
The minute you do something shitty — they hate you, they loathe you, they think they have some sort of right to talk about you as if you aren’t a real person. So yeah, it sucked that people were whispering about me cheating on Nat, but what sucked more? Was the fact that they felt they had a right to even talk about it right in front of me. Was I not a human? Did I not bleed? Were my feelings any less important than someone else’s?
That’s what mere mortals didn’t understand about celebrities… we aren’t different. We still wear pants. I still shit my pants in the first grade. I still get the flu, I still get rejected, I still eat cereal and drink milk. But none of that matters, because once you fall from the pedestal, you’re fair game.
So you may as well make the fall fun — on the way down.
By the time lunch rolled around, people were in a frenzy that I hadn’t sat next to Alec and Nat, like I was pissed or something.
I wasn’t pissed I was giving them space for shit’s sake!
Alec didn’t deserve it; neither did Nat. So in a stroke of brilliance, I grabbed a chick sitting next to me and licked her face.
Hey, I never claimed to be Einstein.
My licking, however, worked. All the attention that was once on Alec and Nat was now on me.
Swear, I could feel Alec staring a hole through my head, but it didn’t matter. I was fixing it in the only way I knew how.
Be a whore.
Act the part.
Show them they didn’t hurt me.
Show them I made my own freaking rules.
After a few minutes, Bob grabbed me by the shoulders and jerked the girl away from me. She cursed, almost falling to her ass. I stood to my feet and glared across the lunchroom at Alec. He was pissed. No he was full on raging, hulk style. As in he would kick my ass if we didn’t have an audience. Whatever. He made me what I am. I learned from the best. I was distracting them from his drama; he should thank me. Instead, he was judging me, he was disgusted with me and that hurt more than anything. It hurt because even when I was helping, I was still somehow messing up.
Another girl was in my path. I grabbed her by the arm and kissed her on the mouth too. Hell, I was already in trouble may as well just embrace it.
Bob grabbed my arm and led me forcefully out of the cafeteria.
I laughed it off.
Bob grunted. “You good?”
“Fantastic.” I smirked. “I feel awesome. Why?”
Bob’s eyes narrowed. “Straight and narrow, Demetri.”
“Why?” I snorted. “When the curves are so damn fun? Especially when you go fast.”
I walked across the parking lot to Alec’s SUV and grabbed the flask I’d hidden there weeks ago when we’d first gotten to Seaside.
It wouldn’t take much to make embarrassment go away, the rejection, the pain; after all I was already on pills. Alcohol just intensified the effect.
Another five swallows.
I threw the flask onto the ground then kicked it.
When the alcohol didn’t make me feel the way it was supposed to. I went in search of the flask, picked it up, and then sat like a loser in the SUV, waiting for the stupid day to be over.
Three hours later.
Two more pills.
The alcohol gone.
And the bell finally rang.
Suddenly, mad as hell, I jumped out of the car and made my way back to the front of the school, swear the cars weren’t even parked, they were all aimed for me, trying to kill me. My vision blurred as the brick walls came into focus, and then blonde hair.
“Nat!”
She didn’t hear me.
One more taste.
Just so she knew what she was giving up. It was a great idea, right? Then again I was drunk, a bit high. I said her name again, then grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her against the brick wall, kissing her. “Nat, I didn’t mean it.”
I seriously couldn’t feel my legs.
“Demetri, stop, you’re drunk.” Frantic, her eyes widened as if I scared her. Me? What the hell!
“I’m not that drunk.” I swayed on my feet. “I just need to talk to you I just want to tell you why!”
She patted my arm like I was a kid. “Okay, why?”