But hearing her hesitance to share our relationship with her mom and dad made me feel like shit. As though I was again the shameful secret. A role, I thought was singularly reserved for me as the son of Mr. and Mrs. Reed.
I never thought I’d have to feel this way as the boyfriend of Maggie Young.
Pain. Hurt. Betrayal. They were all there, jumping up and down, waiting for me to acknowledge them.
I wasn’t worth it.
I’ll never be enough for anyone.
There’s only one thing that will help it all go away.
NO! I stared into Maggie’s eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. I could see the dark brown cloud with concern and I tried like hell not to show her how much her statement had wounded me.
Maggie grabbed my hand and squeezed. I winced at the strength of her grip. “I just haven’t had a chance to really tell anyone. This is so new and I didn’t want to jinx it. I will tell them. I’ll tell everyone!” she said emphatically and I didn’t know if she was trying to convince me or herself.
“So, pick me up at seven,” she said, giving my hand a shake, pulling me out of the decidedly dark turn my thoughts had taken. My smile this time was a fake replica of the genuine one I had worn only minutes before.
“Sure,” I said, but I didn’t really mean it. My mind was trying to work its way through the nasty urges that whispered dangerously. Shame, guilt, anger. All waiting for me to do what I had to do in order for them to leave me alone.
I clenched my hands into tight fists.
“Clay,” Maggie said softly, clearly recognizing the look that had settled onto my face.
“Maggie! There you are! I waited for you at Java Madness this morning! I thought we were meeting there for coffee before school.” An indescribable emotion crossed Maggie’s face before she turned to Rachel, who had yet to notice me standing there.
“Girl, that was not cool. I had to drink my latte alone. And you know I don’t do alone,” Rachel chided teasingly. Then she realized I was standing there and I didn’t miss the shocked expression that she tried to hide. Maggie’s friend acknowledged our close proximity with her eyes but didn’t comment on it.
“Hey, Clay,” Rachel said in greeting, though it was far from the jovial tone she had used with Maggie. Her eyes darted between us. Maggie moved in closer to my side. It was a small movement, but it spoke volumes. And f**k if it didn’t make all of the earlier bad stuff that was still floating around in my head, recede just a bit.
“Sorry, Rach. Clay picked me up. It was a last minute thing and I forgot to text you the change in plans.” Maggie’s voice was sharp, as though daring her friend to question her.
Rachel must have picked up on Maggie’s mood, because she stayed resolutely quiet, only lifting her shoulder in an offhanded shrug. “I guess I’ll see you later then.” Rachel held her hand up in a wave and went on down the hallway.
“Well, that was…awkward,” I mused sarcastically. Maggie slammed her locker shut and turned to face me.
“Yeah, it was.” She gave me a weak smile and I reached down and grabbed her hand. I refused to let anything, not Maggie’s friends, not the gossip obsessed jackasses at school and certainly not my insane paranoia and self-doubt piss on my cornflakes.
“I’ve got track practice after school. But do you want to do something after?” Maggie asked as we came to a stop in front of her classroom. I noticed the way everyone stared as they moved past us. Shit, did they really have nothing better to do than worry about what we were talking about? I didn’t do fishbowl living. I was already feeling the strain of being the focus of way too much attention.
“Uh, I can’t. I have an appointment right after school, then I have to work,” I said distractedly, trying not to get annoyed as I saw a group of girls stop and whisper behind their hands as they watched us.
“An appointment?” Maggie asked. I nodded, still too fixated on the gossiping going on around us. I felt cool fingers on my chin, pulling my face around so that I was looking down into Maggie’s beautiful brown eyes. Eyes that made me forget my own name.
“Don’t look at them. Look at me Clay,” she commanded and I was powerless to resist her. A smile danced on her lips as I ran my hand through my hair. “What appointment do you have?” she asked.
“Therapy,” I said shortly, dropping my voice so that only she could hear me. No sense in announcing it to half the student body.
Maggie’s face lit up, which took me aback. “Really? I’m so glad to hear that.” My shoulders relaxed at her easy acceptance. I finally returned her smile.
“I go twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays,” I admitted as Maggie squeezed my hand.
“Have I told you yet that I’m so proud of you?” she whispered, stepping in closer so that our chests brushed against one another. I wanted to grab her and kiss her right there. And I would have if Daniel hadn’t picked that exact moment to come on the scene.
“The bell’s about to ring, Mags. Hurry it up.” Daniel stood to our side and seemed ready to wait for Maggie to follow him. I met Daniel’s eyes and caught the unspoken communication he broadcast my way. Don’t f**k her over again.
Reading you loud and clear, buddy. I communicated back.
I backed away from Maggie and gave her a last smile. “I’ll see you later,” I said, trying not to get irritated as Daniel began to shepherd her away. He was so f**king transparent. But I grudgingly appreciated how he looked after her.
After all, he had been the one to make sure she was okay after all I had done to her. I don’t think I was in any position to be annoyed with him. Not where Maggie was concerned.
“Lunch?” Maggie said and I darted another glance at Daniel. Yeah, I didn’t think he’d be joining the Maggie and Clay bandwagon anytime soon. But I’d have to deal with that. For Maggie. Because Daniel would have to see eventually that I meant to do right by his friend. I knew I had a lot of proving to do and I was determined to do it.
“Not today, I have to meet with the guidance counselor to go over some stuff,” I said and she tried to cover up her disappointment.
“Okay then. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” I inclined my head in agreement and waited until she was inside her classroom before turning to Daniel who still stood there, arms crossed over his chest.
“So much for not opening that book again, huh?” he asked me and for once there wasn’t any anger in his tone. He seemed almost resigned.