“It’s hard. Every day, every minute, is a struggle,” he began. I sat up so that I could look at him. He stared off to the side, his jaw tense.
“When I was admitted to the Grayson Center, I was a mess. After everything that happened in North Carolina, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was so screwed up in the head that on my first night there, I tried to climb out of my window.” I wish I could have been surprised by his revelation but I wasn’t. I remembered all too well the state he was in when I had left him that hospital room in the hands of the two people who loved him the least, even when it was their job to support him.
“I was caught of course. And I spent five days on some heavy duty tranquilizers. I was kept numb and emotionless until I was able to start dealing with things. You know you’re in a bad place when drool starts to crust over on your face because it’s been there for so long,” Clay grimaced and I blanched.
“Well, that’s a really gross image,” I muttered. All I could think about was the movie Shutter Island and the electroshock therapy and patients wandering around in long white gowns.
Clay gave a humorless laugh before returning to his story. “I was poked and prodded so much that I felt like some sort of science experiment gone badly, but I just didn’t care. I was past worrying about myself. I hated my parents, I hated myself, I hated the staff, my only thought was biding my time until I could leave. And I knew once that happened, I would make sure to finish what I had started in that motel room.”
My heart was hammering in my chest. This is exactly what I was afraid of. This was everything I had feared for him when his parents took him away. To know that he had been alone and suffering was like a knife to my gut.
I discreetly brushed away the tears that had silently made their way down my cheeks, making sure that he didn’t see how much his words were hurting me. I knew that if he saw, he may shut down and not talk about it at all. And I didn’t want that, even though his story was tearing me apart.
“But at some point, it all changed. I’m not sure what did it exactly. Maybe it was the new medication. Once I was off the Lithium and started taking the Tegretol, I started to feel…well, not better exactly, but I wasn’t experiencing the out of control swings anymore. The f**ked up thing was I missed the mania. I still miss it. I liked the person I was when I was feeling that high.” He sounded almost wistful when talking about his manic swings. I didn’t understand how he could ever want to feel like that, but I didn’t say anything. The truth was I’d never understand any of this. I could only listen and support him.
“But you’re still taking your meds, right?” I had to ask. His refusal to take his medication had been our biggest problem. He needed them. He couldn’t function without them. I wasn’t sure there would ever be a day I didn’t worry whether he was taking them or not.
Clay met my eyes, they burned straight into mine. “Yes, Maggie. I haven’t missed a pill since I started the Tegretol. I swear to you, I won’t do that to myself again,” he said firmly and with total conviction. My belly uncoiled a bit.
Clay ran his hands up and down my back, as though the action comforted him. I knew this was hard for him to talk about.
“I know that stopping my medication isn’t an option. I’ll have to take them every day for the rest of my life. It’s just how it is. I think I’ve come to terms with that. Or at least, I’m trying.” The rhythmic movement of his hands continued and I tried to relax. But I was wound too tight.
“I’m glad to hear that,” I told him and he gave me a small smile but didn’t respond to my statement.
“Dr. Todd said sometimes it takes changing your medication multiple times until you find something that works with your body chemistry. I was lucky that I found what worked for me so quickly. Because the trial and error period is horrible. I saw it first hand in some of the other patients. They were miserable.”
“Dr. Todd?” I asked.
Clay nodded. “Yeah, Dr. Todd. He was my therapist at Grayson’s. He’s pretty cool. He’s the first shrink I’ve had that made me feel like I had a chance at dealing with everything. He just…got me, you know?”
“And your new therapist, what’s he like?”
Clay shrugged. “He’s nice. I like him. He and Dr. Todd are working closely together right now, so that’s cool. He’s different, but I think we’ll get on fine.” I was relieved to hear that. Clay smirked at me and I raised my eyebrows at him in question.
“Actually, he’s suggested I bring you in for one of my sessions,” he said, surprising me.
“Me? Why would he want to see me?” I squeaked. I knew this took a lot for Clay to say, but I was sort of weirded out by the thought of going to therapy. Weren’t we too young for couple’s counseling?
Clay laughed. “That’s what I said. But he told me it would be good for us to talk about our relationship, to make sure we don’t fall back into old patterns. Both Shaemus and Dr. Todd are very aware of how important you are to me and they just want to make sure what we have is healthy. For both of us. It’s easy to put your feelings in the backseat. I know you got sucked under by what I was going through. But we have to go into this as equals. It can’t just be about me”
What could I say to that? He had always been amazingly insightful and self-aware. But his inability to change or control his behaviors caused immeasurable damage. Yet, here he was, one institution stay later, saying things that I never thought I’d hear. I wasn’t delusional enough to think he was all fixed now. I knew this was an ongoing process. But what he was laying at my feet was the opportunity to share with him in his healing. Something he had denied me when he went away.
Something I knew I would jump at the chance to do.
“Of course I’ll go with you. I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you’re happy and healthy. I want us to work. I want this to last. You just let me know when and I’m there,” I promised.
Clay cupped my face between his hands and the look in his eyes made me feel all gooey. “You are the most selfless and amazing person I’ve ever met Maggie May Young. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I will try every single day to make sure I’m worthy of the faith you put in me.”
I leaned forward and touched my lips, ever so gently against his. He hummed in approval and moved one hand to cup the back of my neck while the other snaked around my middle, pulling me closer. I was pressed up against him, our mouths moving against one another and I couldn’t ignore the tingling heat that was creeping its way through my body.