“So, I’ve been thinking about getting a tattoo,” I told him shyly. Clay’s eyebrows rose.
“Really? What would you get?” he asked me. I rooted through my purse and found a pen. Pulling the cap off with my teeth, I grabbed one of the beverage napkins and quickly drew a symbol. It looked like a lopsided upside down U.
Clay pulled the napkin closer and studied it. “What is it?” he traced his finger over the groove from my pen.
“It the rune Uruz. It’s for healing, endurance, courage. I found it in one of the books Ruby gave me a few weeks back. It just, I don’t know, made sense. I like what it stands for.” I flipped my hand over and touched the sensitive skin on the underside of my wrist. “Just a small one, right here.”
Clay slid his finger along the curve of my wrist, rubbing the spot I had indicated. I hoped he wouldn’t think I was stupid. But there was something empowering about the symbol. As though branding it on my body would remind me that I possessed those qualities, even when they were hard to find.
“I like it. In fact, it sounds perfect.” His fingers dropped from my skin and I pulled my hand back into my lap. Clay’s lips quirked into a grin. “Ruby would love it. You should tell her about it. Hell, she’ll probably want to go with you to get it.” The seriousness of the moment passed and I felt myself back on even footing.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll ask her. I was actually thinking of getting it for my birthday.” Clay’s smile spread.
“Was that a hint? Trying to make sure I don’t forget your birthday?” he joked and I felt my face flush.
“No, really. I was just saying,” I stuttered, feeling like an idiot.
Clay nudged my foot with his. “As if I could forget your birthday,” he said quietly and my insides quivered at the soft look in his eyes.
We ate our dinner and talked. About everything and nothing at all. We seemed to reach an unspoken understanding to leave the heavier stuff for later. Right now, we simply enjoyed each other’s company. After Clay paid the bill, we slid out of the booth and he helped me into my coat, his hands lingering as they pulled it up over my arms.
“Ready for part two of our stereotypically normal date?” Clay asked me after we were buckled up in his car.
“Lead on! I’m ready for some more clichéd date madness.”
And that’s what we did. We watched a movie, choosing a lighthearted comedy that had us both cracking up. We shared a tub of popcorn and we playfully fought over the carton of Milk Duds. Clay held my hand the whole time, slowly rubbing the pad of his thumb along the skin between my thumb and forefinger. It was so thankfully simple.
We saw a few people from school and I knew they were watching us like we were animals at the zoo. But even that couldn’t ruin our good time.
After the movie, we still had an hour until I had to be at home, so Clay drove us outside of town. It wasn’t until he pulled down a small dirt road that I knew where he was taking us. Killing the engine once we got to our destination, I turned to him, pointing my finger into his chest.
“No swimming tonight, we’ll freeze our butts off,” I warned and Clay brought my finger up to his lips.
“No swimming. Hypothermia wasn’t part of my plans for you tonight,” he said, his voice taking on a decidedly seductive tone. Hmmm, what exactly did he have planned for me tonight? If it involved his hands and tongue then I was ready to put said plan into action. He opened his car door and came around to the other side to open mine. Climbing out, I rubbed my arms, feeling the night’s chill.
Clay got a thick quilt out of the trunk and laid it down on the ground. He pulled me down beside him and I tried not to shiver as the cold ground seeped through the blanket. “It’s not exactly warm out, you know.” I tried not to whine, but I was starting to shiver.
Clay wrapped me in his arms and pulled the blanket up around us. He nuzzled his cold nose into the side of my neck. “Is that better?” he whispered and I nodded. I wasn’t feeling the cold anymore. As long as he held me like this, there would be no complaining out of me.
“Thank you for a wonderful night,” Clay said into my hair, kissing the corner of my eye. I relaxed into him, leaning my head back to look up at the clear night sky.
“I never thought we’d get here,” I remarked quietly. Clay’s grip tightened.
“Me either. But we are. And it makes me feel like just maybe everything else was worth it. If it brought us to this point.” I felt his fingers in my hair and when I shivered this time it had more to do with my whacked out hormones than the cold air.
“I’ve really missed you. It killed me not being able to talk to you. To not know how you were doing.” I turned to look at Clay. “I want to be able to ask how things are with you. If you’re still taking your medication. If therapy is working. I want to know about your time in treatment. I want to ask you a million and one questions, but I’ll be honest with you, I’m scared to. I suppose it’s because I worry that I won’t necessarily like the answers. That probably sounds horribly unsupportive but I just wanted you to know how I felt.”
I couldn’t believe I had just said all that. But there was something about being here with him like this that hit my honesty button and I couldn’t sit quietly and pretend that these thoughts weren’t swirling around in my head.
Clay ran his hand through his hair, a total giveaway that he was nervous and unsure. “I want to answer your questions. I really do. I want to put these fears of yours to rest. But at the same time, I’m worried I’ll bring us back to that place we were before. When everything was about me and my stuff. I don’t want that for us this time. It wasn’t fair to you.”
Gripping the blanket around me, I slithered onto his lap, my legs straddling him and I put my arms around his chest. Resting my cheek over his heart I could hear how fast it was beating. Past experience told me that talking about this could bring about a potential meltdown. Clay didn’t have a history of being very receptive to discussing his mental illness. But if we were both serious about being totally open, then I couldn’t tip toe around the bigger issues.
“But, Clay, if we don’t talk about it, things won’t change. You and I spent way too much time ignoring what was going on. We can’t do that again,” I pleaded.
I felt Clay take a deep breath, my body rising and falling with his. His fingers curled into tight fists as he held me. This was an important moment. For both of us. Denial and mistrust had characterized our relationship for so long. Nothing but total honesty would be welcome from here on out.