Chapter Seventeen
-Clay-
So here I was, living my dream. My hand wrapped around Maggie’s smaller one as we walked into the school together. It was like déjà vu and writing a whole new chapter all at the same time.
This was familiar but new. I still couldn’t believe that we were here. In this place I hadn’t dared to think about. But this beautiful reality I found myself in was laced with that other thing. The weight of our past and the heaviness of our future.
I was so happy. But f**king terrified at the same time. Because my brain still worked against me. Trying to twist this amazing thing into that something ugly. And that is why I still took my medication. Still went to therapy religiously. I would not ruin us this time. I had miraculously been given another chance. Another opportunity to live my life the way I was meant to.
Maggie and I still needed to talk. To lay so many things out on the table. But it was as though we were both scared to shatter this tentative peace we had created. Which was stupid. If there was one thing the both of us had learned it was that ignoring things didn’t make them go away. It only made it harder to face them when they finally came around to beat the shit out of you.
But for now we were going with plausible deniability and blissful ignorance wrapped up together in a blend of perfect delusion.
And for now that wasn’t a bad thing.
Last year had been about me and my crap. This time, I wanted to focus on Maggie.
My fingers flexed around hers as we walked through the front doors of the school. I swear to God, it was like everyone within a twenty foot radius ground to a halt and watched our progress down the hall.
I caught the firm lift of Maggie’s chin as though she were defying everyone. Daring them to say something. And God help them if they did. Because my girl was fierce and I would place my money on her any day.
I tried not to give a shit. What did these people mean in the grand scheme of my life? Not when the girl I would walk over burning, hot coals for was holding my hand. It really was all about the simple stuff. The bigger things, like my crazy, f**ked up head shit could be put on hold for a little while longer.
We stopped at her locker while she twisted the dial. I could see the tremors in her hand and I knew this was taking a lot out of her. And I realized that I didn’t know what she had to endure while I was in Florida. How much bullshit she had to swallow on a daily basis. But by the tension in her shoulders and the clench of her jaw, I could tell it had been a lot. And I felt even more like an ass for abandoning her the way that I had.
Here I was, the King of Abandonment issues, dishing it out with the worst of them. I had to make this better if it was the last thing I did.
“Do you have any plans for Friday night?” I asked her, shoving my hands into the pocket of my coat. The old green army jacket that I had worn like a second skin had long been lost. Left in that hotel room in North Carolina with the rest of the stuff I would never see again. Getting my shit out of the place where I had nearly destroyed everything hadn’t been high on my list of priorities. But damned if I didn’t miss the stupid thing. It was just a coat but for some reason it was like leaving a piece of me behind.
It really was ridiculous at how sentimental I became about the most inconsequential objects.
Maggie gave me a shy smile. This new, more reserved Maggie Young was hard to get used to at times. The Maggie I had met all those months ago was in your face. She didn’t hesitate to tell you what she was thinking, even if it hurt. She wasn’t ever cruel; she just lacked any patience for games. And that’s one of the million things I loved about her.
This Maggie was different. She seemed unsure and hesitant. She appeared to think before she spoke as though worried about the way her words would be received.
This Maggie made it her mission to disappear. And I hated that. Because I knew deep down that it was because of me. I had changed Maggie May Young in ways I had yet to understand.
I didn’t love her any less for it. In fact I loved her more than I thought my heart was capable of. But it didn’t stop the all too familiar sting of regret deep in my gut.
I reached out and tucked a fly away strand of dark brown hair behind her ear. Her shorter hair took some getting used to. Just another example of how much my girl had changed in the three short months we had been a part.
But they might as well have been three years and I had a lot to make up for.
“No plans,” she said quietly, stuffing her bag into the locker and grabbing her books for class.
I cupped the side of her neck and tugged her closer. I kissed the tip of her nose, making her blush. It was beautiful the way her skin flushed when I touched her. “I’d like to take you out,” I said, grinning at her.
“Like a date?” Maggie asked incredulously. I felt that jab of regret again, her surprise hitting me like a slap in the face. Regret was quickly replaced by guilt. I suddenly realized that we had never exactly gone out on a date. Before, we had spent most of our time at my house or Ruby’s shop. Sure, we went to Bubbles for sundaes and we’d rent movies. But I had not once taken her on a proper date.
Dinner, movie, walking her to the door and stealing a kiss goodnight.
Fuck! I really was an ass**le. No, not just an ass**le, but a selfish ass**le.
My smile was a bit more pained after that but I held it all the same. “Yeah, like a date. I want to take you out to dinner. Then you can drag me to whatever lame ass chick flick is playing.” Maggie’s smile grew wider and if I could punch myself in the nuts I would. Yep, I was a selfish ass**le.
“That sounds good. Um. Though, I haven’t…well…” Maggie stumbled and my eyebrows knit together.
“Spit it out,” I teased, tugging on her ponytail. Maggie bit her bottom lip and I wanted to pull it free with my teeth. I felt a stirring in my jeans and had to tamp down the urge to maul her in the hallway.
“Well, my parents don’t know about you and me. I haven’t told them.” Well, that was like a bucket of cold water on my burgeoning hard on.
“Oh. Okay. If you want to meet me somewhere, that’s cool.” No it wasn’t cool. It was the farthest thing from cool I could think of. This brought me perilously close to the way I felt before. When one of my greatest fears was never being the guy Mr. and Mrs. Young felt their only child deserved.
And I had proven their worries were completely founded.
I didn’t blame Maggie for not telling them. I wasn’t convinced I could ever be what they wanted for their daughter. But I was trying my f**king hardest.