But that didn’t change the gut wrenching response I had whenever I saw him. The way my heart beat just for him. I wasn’t sure I could live my life having turned my back on the person who made me feel truly alive. And I was sick of being a coward. My love for this beautifully broken, yet slowly healing boy, made me strong.
Clay took a deep breath and slowly, achingly so, rubbed his nose along the side of my cheek. I closed my eyes as his lips gently touched the corner of my mouth and then made their way along my jaw. He was breathing deeply, inhaling me in.
My hands, still cradling his face, began to tremble with the intense anticipation. Clay uncurled his fingers from around mine and moved them into my hair; digging them into the thick waves and holding tight.
“You are everything good in my life. Even when I thought all I had was the darkness, you were there. And you gave me something to live for. I couldn’t let you go. No matter how hard I tried. I know now that’s because to lose you would be losing the very best part of myself.” I opened my eyes to see Clay staring back at me, tears sliding down his face. He leaned in and his lips a whisper as they closed in.
“I love you, Maggie. More than you could ever possibly understand.” Clay tightened his grip in my hair and slammed his mouth over mine. I rose up on my knees and pressed my chest into his. His tongue plunged passed my lips. Not a gentle probing. This was a passionate invasion and my body quivered with desire.
I let go of Clay’s face so I could wrap my arms around him, holding him as tightly as he held me. Our mouths slanted over each other time and time again, our breathing heavy and erratic. My heart beat wildly behind my ribcage.
When Clay’s mouth moved away from mine to start a tortuous path of light kisses and loving nips along the side of my neck, I let out a deep and guttural groan. I should have been mortified with the way I responded to him. But we were way passed embarrassment.
Clay’s hands left my hair and clutched at the back of my shirt, pulling it up to find bare skin. And then we were touching and tasting. There was not one ounce of hesitation or reticence in our actions. This was the culmination of months of desperate longing.
When we finally came up for air, our lips bruised and swollen, we could only stare at each other. Clay ran his hand along the side of my face. “How could I ever think life without you would be worth living?” he asked, seemingly mystified.
I grinned, brimming with the delicious high of Clay’s kisses. “Stop trying to find out.” I kissed him lightly on the mouth again. I couldn’t tear myself away. Now that I had allowed myself to climb over the wall, there was no way I was turning back now.
Because right then, in the heat of the moment, it was so easy to forget the mountain of issues that had nearly destroyed us the last time. But when we finally separated and Clay pulled me into his arms and back onto his bed, I knew I couldn’t go into this blind again. My eyes needed to be open and aware. We had come too far, lost too much and I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.
Clay’s fingers made lazy trails through the thick heaviness of my hair and the quiet comfort was just as intoxicating as our moment of passion. “We have a lot to talk about, Maggie. A lot that needs to be said. We can’t pick up where we left off; because that was a place I never want to be again.” Clay’s words were hard and bitter but I understood where he was coming from.
I propped up on my elbow and looked down at him. “I know. We have to do it right this time,” I said, tracing the line of his eyebrows with my fingertip. Clay grabbed my hand and placed a kiss into the open palm.
“We will. We have to. Because the alternative isn’t one I can live with. Not anymore.” I started to kiss him again when my phone buzzed in my pocket. We groaned simultaneously and then gave each other silly smiles.
I had received a new text message. It was from my dad, asking where I was. I didn’t have much time before he came over here, guns blazing. Particularly when I was engaging in the very behavior he didn’t want for me. “Shit.” I jumped up and straightened my clothes and ran my fingers though my hair.
“I’ve got to get home. Dad ordered pizza,” I explained lamely as Clay sat up. He grabbed me by the back of the knees and tugged me forward until I stood between his legs. He looked up at me and the grin on his face made being late for dinner so completely worth it.
“Can I call you? Later?” he asked me and I giggled at his adorable insecurity.
I bent over and captured his mouth with mine again, pulling back before we could deepen it, knowing my dad was waiting less than patiently for me to get home. “You damn well better,” I warned him, poking him lightly in the chest.
Clay ran his hands up the back of my thighs, sending a jolt straight between my legs. “Well, then, I’ll call you this evening.” His voice sounded husky as his hands inched higher up my legs. I stopped their slow ascent just shy of my butt and pulled them away.
“I have to go,” I groaned, putting distance between us. Clay wearing a satisfied smile followed me out into the hallway. I noticed Ruby’s door was closed. “Tell her I said goodbye, okay,” I told Clay.
“Of course,” he said, twining his hand with mine as we walked down the stairs and out to my dad’s minivan.
“Nice wheels,” he joked and I elbowed him playfully in the ribs. I opened the driver side door but turned around to kiss him lightly on the lips one last time. I was an addict and Clay was my crack. Crappy analogy, I know, but it was the truth.
The thought of losing him again was a very real and legitimate fear. Clay was right, we needed to talk. My distrust and insecurity still reigned supreme and if we were going to have a future, these issues needed to be addressed.
But for this moment, I could simply enjoy being with him again. Of being granted something I had wished for but never hoped to have. It made me a believer in second chances.
Clay’s eyes darkened and he ran his thumb along my bottom lip. “Thanks for coming by, Maggie. And thank you for…well…you.” He smiled and dropped his eyes almost bashfully. I chuckled.
“You don’t have to thank me for something that was always yours,” I told him. Yuck, I was such a sap. His eyes came immediately back to mine and I forgot about my saccharine induced mortification. We didn’t kiss again, but Clay’s hand cupped my cheek and I grasped his arm. My phone buzzed in my pocket again.
My dad, the c**k blocker. He would probably love that title.
“Gotta go before Dad blows a gasket,” I said, climbing behind the wheel. Clay closed the door, slowly backing away from the van. I felt his eyes on me until I knew he could no longer see me. And there was nothing in this world, not even the threat of my parents’ disapproval, that could wipe the hard earned smile from my face.