“The bird said I could. He said I could fly out of this world and get away from all the shit that hurts.”
“We’ve talked about the bird before. You know he’s not real.”
“I know. But this time, he seemed really real.”
He nods like this is normal and I’m not a level-ten lunatic. That’s what best friends do.
“Why didn’t you talk to me? Haven’t I always helped you? You know you can talk to me.”
“I don’t know. I thought I was okay.”
“You’re going to get some help now, Ev.”
I nod and a pain shoots up the back of my skull and radiates to my forehead. I blink away the stars that scatter in my vision.
“Piper wants to see you.”
This time the pain knifes through my chest like a dagger straight to my heart.
“No.”
“She’s really upset. I think you should just let her see you for a minute, so she can see for herself that you’re okay.”
“No. I don’t want her seeing me like this.” I turn away from him and pain sears through my entire body. My brain hurts.
My heart hurts.
“C’mon, Blue. Don’t do this to her.”
The guard in the corner throws Reece a warning look.
Don’t poke the crazy person. He might jump out the window.
I take a deep breath and my ribs scream in agony.
Every bit of pain well deserved.
“Will you give her a message for me? Since I’m not allowed to use a pen or pencil to write?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
“Tell her I want her to go home.”
“Blue…” He closes his eyes, but not before I catch the disappointment shadowing them, and he slowly shakes his head. “Don’t do this.”
“Tell her I love her and Lyric, but my head is way too fucked with fuckedupness.”
He glares at me like I’m an unruly brat. “Do you think she doesn’t already know that? She doesn’t care if your head is fucked. She loves you. Plain and simple. You need her now more than ever. Don’t fuckin’ push her away.”
“I don’t want to see her.”
No way can I see the pain in her eyes from what I’ve done to her. The jump didn’t kill me, but seeing what I’ve done to her will make me want to try it again, do it right this time, just to escape the unbearable guilt that’s eating at me like maggots. I never thought I’d have to face the people I left behind and have to witness their pain and confusion up close and personal. The bird didn’t tell me that, that little fuck. Like Reece with his dark analyzing eyes and his disappointed scowl. And Ellie with her ‘I saw this coming’ face. I don’t need to see Piper to know what I’ll see in her. Heartache. Betrayal. Utter fear. Denial. Love’s regret.
All because of me.
My little elf-like fiancée will spend days searching the internet and will transform herself into a nurse and psychotherapist in less than a week. She’ll make it her life’s goal to try to help me and I can’t let her do that. I love her too much to put her through all that. I can’t let her lose herself trying to find me.
All I’ve ever wanted since the day I met her is to be a real man to her. Someone who could take care of her. But that’s never been the way it is.
She’s already fixed me as much as she possibly can. More than I thought she ever could. She’s the glue that held all my jagged cracks together, and I love her endlessly for it. Unfortunately, I’ve always known that eventually I’d break myself all over again and she’d be left with nothing but pieces.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Ditra is waiting for me at the airport. As soon as she puts her arms around me in the baggage claim area, I start crying uncontrollably. Again.
I had a total breakdown when Reece told me Blue didn’t want to see me. I jumped on the nearest elevator, ran down the hallway, and tried to get past the six-foot-three guard standing watch in front of Blue’s private room. The guard literally picked me up with one hand and carried me, crying, screaming, and begging, to the nurses’ station.
I could have easily been mistaken for an escaped patient myself. It was that bad. I trembled uncontrollably. My teeth chattered. My heart pounded and raced dangerously fast. My legs wobbled, my head became light, and I started to hyperventilate as Reece tried to gently guide me back to the elevator. Just as the doors opened, I collapsed, and I woke up some time later in a room of my own. I was diagnosed with a major panic attack episode, pumped full of sedatives for three days, had a visit with a psychiatrist, and was released with a prescription for anxiety meds.
After all that, I still wasn’t allowed to see Blue. A part of me was hoping Reece would tell him that I’d become unhinged and he would want to comfort me. Of course the rational side of my brain understood Reece couldn’t tell him, but it didn’t change the fact that I was scared and heartbroken and just wanted the man I love to show me that he was still alive and still loved me. I desperately needed him to take all the anger, fear, and heartache away.
Instead I ended up like him, lying in a bed wishing I could escape it all and just go to sleep forever. Fortunately, I snapped out of it within seventy-two hours.
Blue didn’t.
Reece made my flight arrangements. Ellie made Blue’s transfer arrangements.
And here I am, back in New Hampshire, crying at the airport.
Once upon a time, I only cried watching Titanic and other sad movies. What happened to that girl?
“It’s okay,” Ditra soothes, stroking my hair. I wish I could believe her, but I don’t think anything is okay and it might never be.
As much as I missed Lyric, I’m glad Ditra didn’t bring her to the airport to pick me up. I’m sure she knew I’d be a mess and would need some time to pull myself together once I stepped off the plane.
“I’m so sorry, Piper,” Ditra says when we get in the car. “I know this isn’t how you wanted things to go.”
“That’s a massive understatement,” I reply, digging a small pack of tissues out of her glove box.
“So he wouldn’t even see you or talk to you? Nothing?”
“Nope. The only person he’ll talk to is Reece.”
She pulls out of the airport and cuts off a driver in a blue truck, who flips us off. Dee is totally oblivious, and just keeps talking.
“What are you going to do?”
“What can I do? My hands are tied. He doesn’t want to talk to me, and now he’s been transferred to a full-time psychiatric treatment facility for the rich and famous.”
“I don’t know…maybe it’s time to just let this go,” she says hesitatingly.
I turn to look at her, but her eyes are glued on the road. “Let go of what?”
“Him. The relationship. All of it.”
“What?”
“Piper, you’ve been up and down with this guy for like fifteen years. Every time you think things are good, it all comes crashing down. But this? This is really just…beyond comprehension.” I open my mouth to interrupt her but she just keeps on talking. “He threw himself off a freakin’ roof. You said they found drugs in his bloodwork and in his room.”
“Not drug drugs, Ditra. They were prescriptions. That’s totally different!”
She gives me the wicked side-eye. “Okay, Piper, but he’s not supposed to be mixing them all up into a cocktail. I know you love him, but this guy has got some serious issues that can’t be ignored anymore. It’s worse than we even thought. He’s not just some random homeless guy turned rock star who has a drug and alcohol problem. Now we find out he’s got a lifelong history of some kind of mental illness.”
“Don’t say it like that!” I sob. “I don’t want to hear this.”
“You have to hear it. This is the father of your child. You have to think about her.”
“Of course I’m thinking about her!”
“Do you really want someone like that near your daughter? Or in your life? Is this honestly the type of guy you want to marry and have kids with? When the hell does it end with him? I’m not even involved with him and I’m exhausted and just done with it all. I can’t even imagine what you must feel like. And now he won’t even see you or talk to you? He just lays this epic bomb on you and then hides? Fuck that!”
I want to throttle her for her harsh comments but I know she loves me and is genuinely worried about me so I refrain from smacking her upside the head. Reece and I talked about this before I left. We knew most people wouldn’t be supportive or understanding. I just wasn’t expecting to have to deal with this kind of reaction so soon.
After I give myself a moment to calm down, I fix my runny eyeliner with a tissue and then attempt to talk to her without screaming and crying.
“First of all, he didn’t do any of this on purpose, Dee. He’s not trying to hurt me. I believe that with every part of myself. And he’s not hiding, he’s sick. Now he can be properly evaluated and diagnosed—for the first time in his life, I might add. The doctors are very optimistic that with the right medication and treatment, he’ll get better and hopefully won’t have these episodes anymore. I mean, even without treatment, he’s led a pretty productive and functional life. So with treatment, he should be okay.”