“No,” Reece answers. “I guess anything is possible but I don’t think Blue had anything secret in his life.”
“Then what was so horrible that he believed he had to die?”
They all look at each other and shrug.
I blink at them like they’re speaking a foreign language. “I just don’t understand any of this.”
Reece squeezes my shoulder. “We have no idea what happened. We were all there and none of us noticed anything. We’ve been banging our heads against the wall for hours. He was acting normal. The interview earlier in the day went good. We were all bummed about going public about the band splitting up, but he seemed okay.”
“He seemed fine,” Koler adds.
“How does someone seem fine and then jump off a roof?”
They all shake their heads and I gape at them in disbelief. How could they have not noticed something? These are his best friends, his bandmates. They’ve been with him through everything—through all the good times and the bad.
Something must have happened or been said. People don’t just attempt to take their own lives without acting strange or sad or depressed or giving off some kind of vibe.
“Did you guys fight about him wanting to leave the band and you just don’t want me to know? He only wanted to be happy. That’s all. He just wanted to get away from it and have some peace with me and his daughter. There’s nothing wrong with that!” My voice starts to take on a hysterical shriek. They must be hiding something from me. Blue would never, ever, ever leave me and Lyric.
“Piper... there weren’t any fights. Everything was cool with us. He was excited about a new start, the wedding, writing songs for other bands, maybe making a solo album. We’re just as shocked as you are. Did he say anything to you that night? Did you guys maybe have a fight?”
I’m taken aback. “I didn’t hear from him at all. I spoke to him the night before, after the live show, and everything was fine. We were happy.”
“Blue’s been fucked in the head for years. I think he just fucking snapped,” Alex says, rubbing his hands over his face.
I glare at him with anger burning up inside me. “How dare you say that about him,” I seethe. “He’s exhausted from the tours and the stress and writing all the songs. That’s all. I don’t believe any of this.” I stand and throw my water cup in the trash. “Blue would never try to take his own life. He loves me and he loves his daughter. You guys are all crazy and guilty because you pushed him too hard. You used him to do all the work. He probably just went to smoke a cigarette and he fell because he was so tired.”
That’s exactly what happened. Blue loves to look at the sky. He was probably exhausted and lost his balance. It was a horrible, terrible accident and he’s going to be okay.
“Wake up, Piper,” Koler says. “Blue’s been a fucking mess forever. It’s been a constant struggle for us keeping his shit together. Do you know how many times he almost ruined this band with his crazy shit? Disappearing for days? Trying to sleep in strange places? His crazy-ass mood swings? His rambling? He’s up, he’s down. He’s a goddamn ping pong ball. Yeah, he’s a fucking god and the fans love him, and sure—he wrote all the songs. But we were the ones holding him up and picking up the pieces and doing constant damage control and babysitting. You never saw that side of him, you weren’t on the road with us. You saw little slivers of him. He’s always been on the edge of having a fucking meltdown and it finally happened.” He takes a deep breath. “Ya know what? We shoulda quit this shit when he disappeared in the fucking desert. None of this was worth his life. We’re all to blame for this.”
“I can’t listen to this,” I spit out. “I’m going to find one of his doctors and I’m going to see him and he’ll tell me the truth. I know him. He would never try to kill himself.”
Reece grabs my arm and pulls me back down into the chair next to him.
“Give us a few minutes,” he says to the guys, and I watch their feet as they stand and shuffle out of the room.
Good riddance.
“Piper,” Reece says slowly. “We’re not the enemy here. I know you’re upset and scared, but you have to trust us.”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t. You guys don’t know him like I do.”
He pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket, and I recognize the paper immediately because I have many notes just like this one at home.
“This was left for you. I’m sorry, but I read it when I found it in his room. So did the police. I asked them if I could give it to you since it’s meant for you. If he doesn’t live, it’s considered evidence. The police photographed it and I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends up online someday. Shit like this gets really ugly.”
As I take the note from him, my heart races so fast and so hard it feels like it’s going to pound right out of my chest.
“What do you mean if he doesn’t live?” I ask weakly.
“He’s got a lot of injuries. When I talked to the doctors earlier they were hopeful he’d pull through but there could still be complications. I think you should read the note.” He stands. “I’m going to go sit over there but I’m not leaving you alone while you read this. Sorry, but I’m not doing it.”
I nod and wait for him to walk away before I slowly unfold the note.
Ladybug,
I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’m just so tired and my head hurts so much. I can’t fight the voices anymore. I’ve tried so hard but I can’t. I’ve failed everyone. The world is hating me. I’ve hurt everyone. Especially you. It’s unforgiveable. I need you and Lyric to be happy. I can’t let the voices and the monsters get you, too. They’re getting louder and louder and closer and closer. So loud I can’t hear my own thoughts anymore. I’m sure you’ve heard them in my head. I’m so confused all the time. It’s hard to remember everything. The pain of it is killing me. I’m killing me.
Please tell Lyric I love her. Thank you for bringing her into my life. Thank you for loving Acorn. I’m so sorry about the baby. I think he was sick like me and he heard the voices already. Thank you for always loving me and showing me what hope feels like. Thank you for giving me a chance, and for calming my soul. Thank you for letting me love you. I only made it this far because of you. You kept me going. You made me fight, but I’m not strong enough anymore. I wish I was.
I’ll watch over you, I will. I’ll always be with you. You’re the only place I’ve ever felt quiet and loved and cared for. I’ll spend eternity loving you. I’m never leaving you.
I’m so sorry, baby. You deserve so much better. I loved everything we had, but I don’t deserve any of it.
I’m going to fly now, I’m going to be free. Be happy for me. He says it will take all the bad away.
I love you like no tomorrow. Always. Always. Always.
Blue
My heart is broken—shattered—and all the pieces have fallen into the pit of my burning stomach.
I was wrong. I didn’t know Blue. Not this Blue. As my tears fall onto the note and blur the words into tiny puddles, I’m not sure who I knew at all.
Chapter Fifty-Four
My broken heart is nothing compared to how broken Blue is. He’s lying in a hospital bed with a broken ankle, a broken leg, four cracked ribs, a broken wrist, a dislocated shoulder, a fractured skull, and bruises and lacerations covering eighty percent of his body.
I only know all this because the doctor is telling us.
They found muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, anti-depressants, and painkillers in his system. Reece confirmed they also found those same pills in Blue’s room—some of them in prescription bottles prescribed to Evan Von Bleu.
I’ve never seen Blue put a pill in his mouth and now I’m wondering if he hid them from me, or just never took them when we were together.
The doctor is also telling Reece and me that when Blue was awake, which wasn’t for long, he was laughing one minute and crying the next.
Hearing that both devastates and petrifies me. What’s happening to him?
“Can we see him?” I ask the doctor. I need to see him with my own eyes, touch my lips to his, hear his breathing. I need to see for myself that he’s alive.
“No. It’s still too soon.”
Too soon? Is he crazy? It’s been too long.
I step forward. “I’m his fiancée. Please let me see him. I’m sure he wants to see me... he’s hurt, and probably scared… I can make him feel better, comfort him….”
The doctor shakes his head. “I apologize, but we cannot allow visitors until he has a psych eval. I understand your position, Miss Karel, and I know this is hard.” He glances at Reece. “And I also understand we’re dealing with a patient who is going to have a lot of people asking about him and wanting to see him, possibly attempting to sneak into his room and get information. We’ve moved him to a private room. Our priority is to do what’s best for Mr. Von Bleu and get him well, physically and mentally. That being said, I think you all need to prepare yourself for a very long recovery. Not just for his physical injuries, but for his mental and emotional recovery as well.”