I gasp and dig my nails into his back when he thrusts the full length of his cock into me, and his growling in response only makes me wetter and wilder for him. I’ve always been completely enamored with this feral sensual side of him that devoured me under the bridge years ago. Thank goodness the medication hasn’t taken that part of him away.
I struggle to spread myself around him but I’m restrained by the jeans bunched around my thighs. Cupping my ass in his hands, he lifts me, then lowers me down, impaling me with his thick shaft.
“Fuck, I missed you, baby…” he rasps against my lips, kissing me ferociously, hammering harder and faster, chafing my back against the textured wallpaper.
“I missed you. So, so much.”
Sighing, his eyes close and he stills, letting me take over. I ride his body slower, calming him, savoring every inch, every breath, every beat of our hearts. “Don’t ever leave me again,” I whisper.
“Never.”
After our wallbang, he carries me to the bed, slowly removes the rest of my clothes, then his own. Wordlessly, he brings the white sheet and comforter up over us and pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me. I snuggle my face into the warmth of his chest and hug him tight.
I promised myself I wouldn’t cry today, but promises were made to be broken, right?
The moment I feel his heart beating against my cheek I start to sob; unable to stop no matter how hard I try to hold it all in. I was wrong to think I had resolved all the emotional turmoil during my months of therapy. I might have found strength, patience, and understanding, but those things can only reach so far. Parts of me are still broken, and I’m sure the same is true for him.
Stroking my back in slow circles, he presses his lips to the top of my head and whispers, “I’m sorry,” over and over again until I have no tears left. We cling to each other until my breathing calms and the hiccupping sobs have stopped.
“I’ll be right back,” he says softly, and I sit my sniffling mess of a self up and watch him disappear into the bathroom. He comes back with a handful of tissues and a washcloth dampened with warm water, which he uses to gently wipe my cheeks.
The sweet gesture almost renders me back to a sobbing mess. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to cry…I wanted to be strong.”
“Shhh…” He touches his lips to my forehead. “You don’t apologize, Piper. Not for any of this. And you are strong. You’re the strongest chick I’ve ever met. A weak woman would never be able to love me. You’re a fuckin’ warrior.”
I smile weakly, not feeling like any sort of warrior at all. “I just want us to be happy. And together.”
He climbs into the bed again and leans back against the headboard, holding his arm out for me to nestle into his side.
“We’ll get there, Ladybug. I promise.”
“That’s all I want. For both of us.”
I rest my head against his chest, slide my arm around his waist, and curl my leg around his, exactly how we used to sleep in the sleeping bag in the shed. How insane is it that those nights snuggling in the musty shed, listening to the rain fall on the tin roof with Acorn sleeping at our feet, were some of our very best times together? Life was simpler then, when I lived in a comfy bubble of naivety.
“I didn’t want to die,” he says in a low voice. “That’s not what any of this was about.”
Waves of sadness wash over me hearing those words. “Blue…you don’t have to talk about this.”
“I want to.” He moves his hand to the curve of my waist and squeezes. “And I want you to go back to calling me Evan. Like when we first met. Blue’s gotta go.”
“Okay.”
“Killing myself isn’t what I wanted. There wasn’t a plan. I didn’t want to leave you. Or Lyric. Everyone just assumes I must have hated my life, and that’s not true. I didn’t hate my life at all. In fact, I was loving my life more than ever. There was finally a light at the end of the tunnel of getting out from under the band, I was looking forward to having a quiet life with you and Lyric.” He takes a deep breath and rubs his bare foot against mine under the sheet. “But then shit kept popping up from the band, legal stuff, tons of decisions. A lot of the fans were pissed. I was getting hate mail every fuckin’ day. The guys were getting it too and they didn’t deserve it. It was my decision to end the band, not theirs. All this doubt seeped in. I was afraid you’d leave me. I didn’t know which way to turn or what to do. My head started to fuckin’ spin. I was going crazy from the agony and the noise and the voices and the fucking bird and I needed it to stop. I couldn’t think beyond that. Everything else went black. I don’t know how else to explain it, but I need you to believe that I never wanted to leave you.”
It terrifies me to hear him talk about pain and voices and imaginary evil birds. What did that feel like, in his head? I can’t even imagine.
“I believe you. I didn’t at first, but now I do.”
“I’m not going to hurt you again.”
I rub my hand over his chest and weigh his words. I know it’s very possible that while he might mean what he’s saying one hundred percent right now in this very moment, that someday, he might unintentionally hurt me again. The part of him that he doesn’t have full mental control over could come lurking out of its medicinal prison someday and wreak havoc on his life.
And mine. And our daughter’s.
“What if it happens again?” I ask. It’s the question Reece told me not to ask but it’s also the question that continues to run rampant through my mind. How can I not ask such an important question?
His body stiffens, and he hesitates a beat before he lets out a deep breath and answers.
“I’m not gonna lie, Piper. It could happen again. But it shouldn’t as long as I stay on my meds, try to keep my life as stress-free as possible, and stay in weekly therapy. Forever, basically. So if I start to get fucked up again, it’ll get caught before it gets out of control. I feel great, though. Better than ever. A little tired and moody sometimes, but nothing crazy. No pun intended.”
“Okay. That’s good.”
“If you see me acting weird, just say something, okay? I don’t want you to be scared.”
I chew my bottom lip. I am scared, but I don’t want him to know that. He needs me to trust him, and have faith in him and his recovery. If I’m analyzing his every move and mood, waiting for him to have a meltdown, neither one of us will ever be happy.
“We’re going to need some time, Piper,” he says softly. “I thought a weekend alone together would be a good start. To see if you still want to be with me. I left you alone for a long time. Maybe I’m not what you want anymore. Maybe someone like Josh would be better for you, even though it fucking kills me to say that.”
I lift my head to look at him. “No, he wouldn’t be. I want to be with you and only you. That’s not going to change. You should know that by now.”
“Even if I have to take ten pills a day?”
“Even if you have to take twenty.”
“Even if I’m not gonna be a rock star anymore?”
“I loved you before you were a rock star. That means nothing to me.”
He grins playfully, and it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. “Even if I want to ravish you every day?”
Smiling, I lean forward and kiss him. “You better.”
“Even if I want to run away and marry you because I’m the luckiest guy in the world?”
It feels like I’ve been chasing the dream of spending my life with him since the beginning of time. It’s been like trying to capture a butterfly—getting so close every time, only to watch him fly away out of reach again.
“And we have dreaded silence.”
I snap out of my worrying headspace. “No... I was just thinking.”
His smile morphs into an embarrassed lopsided frown.
“I shouldn’t have said that. It’s too soon for you to even think about that.”
I shake my head and gently push his hair out of his face. “It’s not. And you know what? That’s what I want to do when the time’s right. I don’t want a wedding.”
“What about all those wedding magazines with the color-coded Post-Its on your favorite stuff?”
“Eh. That just felt like what I should be doing. I’d much rather just elope with you and Lyric.”
The silver specks in his eyes light up like tiny holiday lights. “Yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
He cups my chin in his palm and kisses me feather-soft, lingering near my lips.
“Thank you for always waiting for me,” he whispers. “Want to know a secret?”
“Okay….” I say nervously.
“I knew I wanted to be with you forever right from the start. That’s why I told you the ladybug myth. I wanted you to want me, too. And when you did, it scared the ever-lovin’ shit out of me.” He kisses me again. “Now that I know you’re not going to abandon me like everyone else, I’m not scared anymore.”
Chapter Sixty-Four
I like to watch Piper when she’s completely unaware. Like now, when she’s sleeping next to me, dwarfed under the beige comforter with just her head poking out with her blond hair loose and messy on the pillow. I stare at all the parts of her that captivate me. Her lashes—like tiny feathers resting on her cheeks. Her lips—the color of bubblegum. Her fingers—curled up in a fist under her chin like babies do. I was relieved to see the engagement ring still on her hand when she came into the room.