Physically I’m starting to feel better. I’m in physical therapy and still have some lingering pain but I’m not taking any pills for pain.
Fuck, I just ramble a lot now. I hope that gets better or I’m going to be annoying as fucking hell. I was hoping to still write songs after I left the band but now I’ll be writing songs with ten thousand words.
It’s time for me to go to group and share my feelings. I’m not kidding. I’m going to tell them I finally got up the guts to write to you. Maybe I’ll get a gold star.
I miss you, baby, so much I can’t even put into words. I’m going to call you when I feel a little less rambly and jumbled.
Thank you for not giving up on me and for always being everything I need. I hope you believe that and I hope you can someday let me show you how much I love you. I hope you’re okay and taking care of yourself. I don’t want you worrying about me all the time. I want you to be happy and feel safe and loved. I still want to give you everything in the world, but for now, we’re back where we once were and all I can give you is my love.
I love you like no tomorrow,
Evan
Chapter Sixty-Two
Evan.
First a crystal vase of beautiful exotic flowers arrived, and then two days later a letter came. Both from Evan.
I wonder what it means that he’s suddenly signing with his real name. Is the doctor forcing him to? Or is he doing it on his own?
Regardless, he’s reaching out and slowly letting me back in. I wouldn’t have minded if he rambled on in a letter of a hundred pages. All that matters is that he’s alive, he’s getting real help, and he sounds realistic and hopeful.
And he still loves me. He’s not giving up on us.
I needed to hear his words just as much as he needed mine.
I’m filling the vase with fresh water from the kitchen sink when my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number on the caller I.D. and almost don’t answer it, but I give in and pick it up on the fourth ring.
“Hello?”
I’m met with silence on the other end, but my heart already knows who it is. I can actually feel his nervousness buzzing through the line.
“I was just giving the flowers fresh water,” I say. “They’re beautiful. Thank you for such a nice surprise. I was having a bad day when they came, and it totally cheered me up.”
“Why were you having a bad day?”
God, his voice. It’s been almost three months since I’ve heard his sexy, gravelly voice, and it brings me back to the times we’d go years without talking, and when he’d finally call, my insides would quiver and quake at the sound of his voice. Just like they’re doing now.
I should keep the conversation casual.
No tears. No questions. No pressure.
“The usual stuff. I had to sit through five boring meetings at work and listen to people be assholes about unrealistic deadlines. Then my computer crashed and I lost what I was working on because it didn’t auto-save. It was just a yucky day. Getting surprise flowers from you turned my entire day around.”
“Oh yeah? Just like that?”
My fingers tighten around the phone when I catch a hint of his familiar teasing tone.
“Yup. Just like that,” I reply. “I got your letter a few days ago, too.”
“Did you need a decoder ring to decipher my non-stop rambling? Maybe an IV of Red Bull to keep yourself awake?”
“Nope. It was perfect, and it made me just as happy as the flowers did. Maybe even a little more.”
“Piper…” His voice fades into unspoken words.
I swallow hard and take a breath. I have to be strong. I cannot fall to pieces.
I keep talking so the silence doesn’t eat us up. “Lyric taught Mickey a bunch of tricks. He can sit up on his hind legs, he gives paw, he can roll over, he’ll walk backward, twirl, and dance.”
“She really taught him all that?”
“She did. She spends hours with him every day. And when she’s not training the dog to do something, she’s on the harp. Practicing constantly just like you told her to. She learned some Pink Floyd songs.”
“Holy shit. One of my fave bands.”
I smile “I know. Mine too.”
“Damn. I can’t wait to hear her play. And see Mickey do tricks. Is she home?”
“No, she’s at my mom’s.”
“Oh.” He pauses. “Does she know? About me?”
“No. Not yet.”
“Do you think I could talk to her next time I call?”
“Of course. You don’t have to ask for permission, she’s your daughter. Nothing’s changed. She misses you and can’t wait to talk to you and play songs for you.”
“I really miss her, too.”
“You can call any time. You can come here any time,” I say softly.
His breathing deepens. “I’m so sorry, Piper.”
I close my eyes for a few seconds and push back on the tears creeping up on me.
“Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“No, I have everything to be sorry for.”
I don’t know what to say to him. I wanted to keep the conversation light and happy so he wouldn’t feel pressured to talk about any of what happened. I wanted to show him that we’re still okay, just like we’ve always been.
“I miss you, Ladybug.”
“I miss you, too.”
The click of his tongue piercing… a sound I’ve missed.
He coughs nervously. “Can I maybe see you sometime?”
My heart jumps so hard a tiny gasp comes out of my mouth in response.
“I’d love to see you. More than love, actually, but that’s the only word that even comes close.”
He lets out a short laugh. “I want to see you, too. Really fuckin’ bad.”
I’m so excited I start to shake. “Whenever is good for you. Just let me know. I can come there, or you can come here.”
“Let me think about it and talk to my doctor about when and what’s best.”
“Okay.”
“Piper….” Another long pause leaves me breathless with apprehension “I just wanted to say thank you. For dealing with all my shit. And for making this easier for me than it probably should be.”
“I don’t deal with you. I love you. In every way—I love you. And I know you love me. That’s what makes it easy.”
“Loving you is an understatement,” he says. “I’ll call you again... soon. I just need some more time.”
I hold onto the phone for several minutes after he ends the call. A slush pile of feelings builds up inside me again. Hope, sadness, excitement, impatience, nervousness. I feel like a mental smoothie—everything thrown in and whipped up into gush. I wish there was a way we could fast forward and get to the part where we’re happily married, enjoying our life together, with no more uncertainty or gray areas.
The front door opening and closing jolts me out of my daze and Lyric comes running in with Josh not far behind her.
“Mom! Uncle Josh took me to the mall on the way home from Grandma’s and we had pretzels and then he bought me these awesome boots!” She throws a shopping bag on the kitchen table and pulls out a huge shoe box.
“Look at them! Aren’t they cool?” She holds up a black boot with fringe hanging down the side.
“They are!” I exclaim. “I had a pair just like those when I was in high school.”
“I remember,” Josh says, leaning against the counter.
“I love them! I’m going to go put them away.” She throws her arms around Josh. “Thanks, Uncle Josh. Love you.”
“Love you too,” he says as she skips off to her room.
I give him the side-eye as I pick the vase up out of the sink and put it back in the middle of the table.
“You’re not supposed to spoil her,” I remind him.
“I’m not spoiling her. They’re just boots. They’re not even real leather. Every time we walk by the shoe store she says she wants them. I thought they were cute, especially since you had a pair.”
Josh has lived up to his word of continuing to spend time with Lyric. He always makes time for her, even if it’s just to pick her up at my parents’ house and take her to the mall for a quick snack before bringing her home.
“Thanks for picking her up and getting her the boots. She’s getting more and more interested in clothes all of a sudden. She’s going to outgrow her closet soon. I might need a bigger house.”
“You can move back into my place. Remember? Where you both had huge walk-in closets…” He raises an eyebrow.
“Stop it.”
He grins and shrugs. “I can’t help it if I hate my empty house.”
“Then sell it and buy one of those cool open concept expensive lofty apartments with the brick walls inside.”
“That’s not a bad idea. Did I tell you my ex and his partner adopted a baby?”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yeah. When I wanted a baby, it was all ‘Ooh I’m not ready yet’.”
“Well in his defense, that was years ago, Josh. Things change. People change.”
“I guess you’re right.” He nods his chin toward the flowers. “Where’d the flowers come from?”