“That sounds like something from a really bad poem,” I said when I thought about the words that had just come out of my mouth. “I’m sorry. I guess love does that to you. Makes you sound like a terrible poet.”
“I’m already a terrible poet. Zan wrote a song for Lottie, by the way. I bet it’s awesome. I wish I could think of crap like that. Sorry.”
I poked him in the chest, hard enough to bruise.
“You listen to me, William Robert Anders. You don’t have to write me a song. You don’t have to write me a poem. You don’t have to do anything but keep being yourself and giving me presents like roller skates and briefcases. That’s all I need. Oh, and what you just did to me. I definitely need that. Frequently.”
He laughed softly.
“You have sex hair.”
“So do you.” I rumpled his sex hair even more and he crossed his eyes at me.
“This is nice,” I said after a few minutes.
“Yeah, it is. It’s different now, you know? Now that I know everything. I do know everything, right?”
“Maybe,” I said with mock seriousness. He gave me a look. “Well, you can’t ever know everything about someone. Then life would be pretty boring, right? But yes. You know everything that I was trying to hide from you. For whatever reason. It seemed justified at the time, but now I see how moronic it was. Hindsight, huh?”
Shifting his body, he laid his head on my stomach and looked at me.
“It was really hard not to be mad at you. I mean, I know I seemed all cool with it, but I was definitely freaking the f**k out.”
I looked at him in surprise.
“Really? You’re a good actor then. You seemed to just take it and run with it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone react that well to something like that. I mean, after you sort of froze for a little while, but that was to be expected. But after that you were Mr. Cool.”
Will laughed.
“My head definitely wasn’t. I thought it was going to explode for a while there.”
“It’s a lot to take in. I felt that way when I found out I was pregnant.” I shuddered a little at the memory. It wasn’t such a negative one anymore, but it still brought back memories of my parents’ faces when I’d told them.
“I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone.”
“That was my own fault. I could have told Eddie. Or I could have, you know, not had her.”
Will turned that over in his mind.
“True. But you didn’t. Life isn’t made up of choices we didn’t make. It’s made of the ones that we did. You chose to do what you did because of who you are, and what you wanted for her.”
“How is that you always make me sound like Mother Teresa?”
Turning his head, he kissed my bellybutton.
“You’re definitely not. I think she was celibate. But you’re not this terrible person you think you are. It’s like your parents told you that so many times you started to believe it. I’ll just have to spend the rest of our lives convincing you otherwise. I think I’m up to the challenge.”
I finally checked my GPA on Tuesday after classes and it wasn’t good. I’d dropped down to a 3.7, so I was out of the running for the New Year’s money. Will had somehow brought his up, and he joked that he was stealing my smarts by osmosis while we slept.
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t beating myself up for letting my grades fall below some sort of imaginary line I’d drawn for myself. I was a hell of a lot happier now that I wasn’t spending countless hours holed up in the library by myself. My life had people in it and those people were more important than having higher grades. But I would never, ever, let my grades fall below at 3.5. I still had standards.
“We should probably have less sex and do more studying,” Will said when I told him the news about my grades.
“Sex or better grades? Hmm, that’s a tough decision,” I said, sitting in his lap. “I think I’ll take sex for $200, Alex.”
“Will. My name is Will,” he said, pointing to himself. “Have you been fantasizing about Alex Trebek?”
“No, I would never do that,” I said, looking at the ceiling. “He’s not as sexy without the moustache.”
“Oh, that is it.” He tossed me on the bed and made me call his name several times.
“So you never forget it,” he said as waves of pleasure crashed over me.
“So, the secret is finally out,” Trish as she picked me up for dinner on Tuesday night. Will had to go to a study session but he was going to drive over when he was done.
“Yes.”
“How does it feel?”
“Liberating.”
She nodded. “Really? No regrets?”
“Only that I didn’t do it sooner.” She nodded again.
“Why, you thinking about following my lead and letting your secret out of the cage?”
This time she shook her head.
“Nope. I’m pretty much okay with keeping it locked up tight. It’s totally working for me so far.” The truck slid a little on the slush that coated the roads from yet another late winter storm. I couldn’t wait for spring, to be able to go outside without a coat, a scarf, a hat and thick boots. It took ten times longer to get dressed in the winter.
“But don’t you feel like it’s standing between you and getting close to other people.”
“Yup. And that works for me. People suck.”
I made a sound of protest. “Um, excuse me?”
“Well, most people suck. The ones I’ve encountered anyway.” I had no idea what she was talking about, but I knew her past was rough. Rougher than mine. Stryker sometimes told us bits and pieces, but mostly they kept the past in the past. Katie knew more, but she respected their desires to keep it to herself.
“Yeah, I understand that. But letting someone in, it . . .” I couldn’t find a way to describe it.
“Ugh, you’re starting to sound like a romance novel. Next thing you’ll tell me that if you’re a bird, Will is a bird.” I had no idea what she was talking about.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Her face went red and she turned the radio on full volume.
“Nothing. Never mind.”
My phone rang during dinner and it was Eddie, so I dashed back to Lottie and Zan’s bedroom to have some privacy.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Nothing, I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. And to, um, apologize for the whole coming-to-the-batting-cages-thing. I didn’t mean to be an ass in front of your boyfriend. I’d like to apologize in person. If that’s okay. Are you busy right now?”