There was an awkward pause and I tried to think of something to say to change the subject, but Aud did it for me.
“So, I went online and I found this support group for people who have given their children up for adoption. It’s an hour away, but I think I might like to go. Would you come with me?” She seemed hesitant to ask, as if I’d say no.
“Absolutely. I want to be part of this,” I said.
Exhaling as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, she smiled.
“Maria texted me that if I wanted to come see Emily this weekend, that would be okay. If you’re ready for that.” I’d been waiting for her to ask me this very thing and now that she had, I was f**king terrified.
“Uh, yeah. I’m ready. I want to meet your daughter. Totally ready.”
She lifted her head and stared at me.
“That didn’t sound very convincing at all.”
“No, no I do! I really do. I’m just scared. What if she doesn’t like me? And who am I? What does she call me?” Audrey tipped her head back and laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“That’s almost exactly what I thought when I was on my way to meet her the first time. I was also irrationally afraid of her hating me. You know, for giving her up. But she’s still a baby, Will. At this point, she loves everyone. And no one could ever hate you. You’re un-hate-able. But you should probably bring a present, just in case. She loves presents.”
“What would she like?” I had very little experience with babies. Lottie used to babysit for extra cash in the summers, but I’d steered clear of that line of work as much as possible.
“Balloons. She loves balloons,” she said with a smile.
“Like mother, like daughter.”
“Something like that.”
Will took meeting Eddie again better than I thought he would. Given some time, I thought they might even become friends. I hadn’t noticed how similar their personalities were until they were side-by-side.
I still didn’t know how I felt about Eddie and me being at the same school. But I was definitely better at dealing with seeing him now than I would have been a few months ago. I wouldn’t have been strong enough to handle it then.
“So you’re sure these are okay?” Will said for the thousandth time that morning as we drove away from the part supply store. We’d gotten pink and purple and yellow and green balloons. I’d protested when he tried to use the New Year’s money he’d won a few days ago, but he insisted.
“Because she shouldn’t have to play with pink balloons just because she’s a girl. Unless she likes pink, in which case, she’s covered.” I laughed at him and gave him a kiss. He deserved it.
We took his truck since we were meeting Eddie at the house after he was done with a few more tests at the hospital. I was smug that I got a little extra time with Emily, but he was getting to see her again next week because he had another hospital visit. The process to get him ready to donate bone marrow was complicated and took several weeks. He still hadn’t told his parents, but he’d informed his professors and had gotten doctors’ notes to miss class.
“I’m freaking out. I gotta be honest,” Will said a few minutes later. “I’m freaking out.” I put my hand on his shoulder and saw he was gripping the steering wheel for dear life.
“She’s a little girl, Will. I told you. She loves everyone and if you give her the balloons, she’ll love you even more. Trust me.”
He gave me a jerky nod.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive?” I asked for the millionth time.
“No, no. I got this.”
“Do you not trust me to drive your truck?” I said, sitting up.
“No, I trust you,” he said, his eye shifty.
“Hey, it’s not my fault about last time, there were too many balloons and you were freaking out and I was worried. You can’t judge my driving based on that one performance. Besides, I know where we’re going.”
“I have GPS and it’s my truck. I win.”
“Is it because you think women can’t drive?” He gave me a look.
“No, it’s because this is a very sensitive piece of machinery that requires a deft hand to manage and I’ve had years of practice. Hell, I barely let my sister drive this thing, and she’s my twin.” He did have a point there.
“Fine, fine.” I slid over as much as I could, hitting the balloons out of my way. The ones in my dorm room were still hovering near the ceiling. I had no idea how long the helium would keep them aloft, but I was interested in finding out. I was also going to flatten them and keep them in what I called my secret Box of Will.
I tried to make conversation with him, but he didn’t seem to want to talk, so I just stared out the window and tried not to cringe every time he changed the radio station. He finally settled on the country station and I hummed along to “Follow Your Arrow” by Kacey Musgraves.
The trip seemed to take forever, but maybe that was because Will drove slower than his usual ten miles over the speed limit.
The GPS told us to turn into Maria’s driveway, which Will did, and then he turned off the truck.
“I can do this,” Will said, and I was reminded of how I’d felt when I’d been on my way to meet Emily for the first time. At least he had a picture, so he knew what she looked like.
“It’s going to be fine. Calm down.” I tried to make him laugh, but didn’t succeed.
“But she’s your daughter. She’s a part of you. I’m just scared.”
“I was too. But as soon as you see her, that fear will fade. Trust me. I know these things.” I got out of the truck and opened his door taking his hand and leading him toward the front of the house. He had the balloons held tight in his other hand.
It was déjà vu, but this time, I knew what to expect.
I knocked on the door and heard Maria talking to Emily, and Emily babbling back.
“Ready?” I said, squeezing Will’s hand.
“No,” he said but the door opened anyway.
34
I guess you can never prepare yourself to meet your girlfriend’s daughter for the first time. When the door opened and I saw her face, it took everything me not to cry. She was just so beautiful and she looked so much like Audrey.
And then she held her chubby little hand out and screamed
“Boons! Boons!”
“Yes, more balloons. If we’re not careful, the house is going to float away like in that movie,” Maria said. I could see the family resemblance to Audrey. She smiled brightly at me and stood back to let us in the house.