It reminds me there’s perfection amidst heartbreak and despair.
I step away from Kyle and walk to the edge of the small stream rushing through. The orangey light from the almost-set sun creeps through the trunks of the trees on the other side, and dusk hangs over us. I know if I look up I’ll see the stars faintly twinkling and the moon hanging in the sky, bathing the area around it in a bright white light.
“The first time me and Cam found this place we walked the length of this stream. It stems from the mountains – further up than we went the first time I brought you here. There’s a tiny fall and water pools at the bottom of it. I was busy thinking how nice it was, but not Cam. No, he decided that pool would be the perfect place to throw you in.”
I glance over my shoulder. “What did you say?”
Kyle stuffs his hands in his pockets and shrugs a shoulder. “I told him to wait because there was probably a bigger pool of water we hadn’t found yet.”
“Bastards,” I mutter fondly. “You two have always been out to get me.”
“It was kind of his prerogative as your big brother.”
“Yeah? What was your excuse?”
“I think I wanted you to like me.” He grins.
A small laugh leaves me. “Obviously it worked.” I run my hand down the trunk of the tree next to me, feeling the rough bark against my fingers. “He used to steal my diary every now and then. He thinks I didn’t know but I did.”
“I didn’t know that.”
Thank God.
“How else do you think he knew exactly when and where to find me when I started dating?” I turn to face him. “He found out from my diary until I started a second one to throw him off the trail.”
Kyle laughs. “He thought he’d scared everyone off.”
“Nah, Cam wasn’t that scary.” Wasn’t. Wasn’t. “I hate saying that.”
“Saying that?”
“Wasn’t. Talking about him like he’s not here. I know he’s not, but it doesn’t seem normal.” I look down and Kyle walks up to me.
“You really haven’t talked about him to anyone except me, have you?”
I shake my head. “Would you? Would you talk about Iz if it was her?”
He stops and thinks, like it’s the first time this has occurred to him. “No,” he says slowly. “I don’t think I could.”
“It hurts to think about him as if he’s not here. He hasn’t really gone anywhere, you know? He’s still here in Verity Point. He’s in every corner we turn and in every doorway we walk through. His idiocy lives in our minds and the tricks you guys played are all over town. But him… He’s still in our hearts. He’ll never go. He’s not here, but he is. That makes no sense, I know, but only his body is dead. Everything else about him is still alive. I have to keep him alive somehow. I can’t face being without him.”
Chapter Twenty – Kyle
Her words ring true every part of my body. He’s still alive as long as we remember him. Cam’s still alive as long as we hold a piece of him inside the way he would us.
It’s just like Iz said. Dead doesn’t mean gone.
I wrap my arms around Roxy’s waist from behind her and rest my chin on her shoulder. “I get that. I feel it too, y’know? He’s still here. I’m waiting for him to grab me and shove some fire snaps in my hand to throw on the sidewalk, or I’m waiting for his text to tell me he’s got some great plan.”
“The plan was usually to piss me off,” she whispers and smiles.
“Oh, yeah. Nine times out of ten. We only did about half of them, otherwise we’d be forever winding you up.”
“Jesus, if all the times you hid my stuff and filled my shampoo with shaving foam was only half of it, I’m glad you didn’t do more!”
“The shampoo thing was Cam’s idea. At least it was at first.” I grin remembering her shriek when she realized what we’d done. “But now I think about it, you looked good in that towel.”
Roxy elbows me with a small laugh. “Would you believe the shit he gave me for running out like that? He didn’t speak to me for like two days.”
“Oh I believe it.” I pull her down to the floor and lie back, taking her with me. Her head rests on my chest and her arm lies over my stomach. I hold her close to me, breathing her in, and smile.
“He was so protective of me,” she muses, drawing circles on my side. “What do you think he’d say if he saw us now?”
“I think he’d punch me and call me a dick, but he’d get over it.”
“I think he’d be okay with it.” Her voice is small and nearly broken.
“You know what? He would be. He told me once. Besides, this is the best way for everyone.”
She tilts her head back and looks at me. “How is it?”
My lips curve to one side and I brush some hair from her face. “This way I get to keep my promise and make you happy. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy, and in the end that’s all that really matters.”
“He’d call you a pu**y for saying that.” Roxy laughs but cuddles in tighter to me. I look up at the sky with a smile on my face.
“Ah, well. Can’t say I give a shit.” I laugh with her.
If you’d asked me a year ago if I’d have been here with Roxy, feeling the way I do, I’d have laughed at you. I never thought I would ever feel for her as more than just Cam’s sister, but here we are. I feel for her more than I thought I’d ever feel for anyone. More than I ever thought possible – and I know why.
I know her. I know every little quirk and habit she has, how she likes things done, how to tell her mood from just a glance, and she knows me the same way. She knows me as intimately as I know her and it works.
We both share so much pain. We both had our hearts broken, and it’s strange to think it’s the pain that’s pushed us together. It’s ironic we managed to find happiness in a time where there is none.
Perhaps this was always meant to happen and we’re the healing the other needs.
Perhaps we were always meant to find beauty in our pain.
~
A body shifts next to me and I instinctively hold it closer. Roxy’s gentle giggle reaches my ears as she climbs on top of me, and I smile.
“What are you doing?” I open my eyes to hers. She’s sitting on me, her knees either side of my hips and her hands on the ground next to my head.