I can’t keep using him as an excuse.
No. It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. Drinking makes me forget he’s not here. Sitting away from everyone drinking makes it hurt a little less – as if I can simply pretend he’s somewhere with the guys. As if I can pretend he wasn’t never here. Wishful thinking will be the death of me one day.
A body sits behind me and legs stretch to either side of me. I turn my face into Kyle’s and grip my thighs tighter. He runs his hands down my arms and finds my hands. His fingers link through mine and pry them from my legs, settling them around my waist. I squeeze his hands and curl into him as much as our position will allow.
“Everyone’s looking at us,” he whispers in my ear. Amusement laces his tone.
“What? Have they never seen two people in a relationship before?” I reply loudly.
“Course we have,” Olly shouts from somewhere. “We’re just not used to the girl being a slut.”
Fucker. “Big words from the boy who never got lucky with his little dick.”
Everyone laughs around us, but it’s Kyle I’m focused on. His whole body is tight, his grip on me about to break my fingers.
“You know I’m about to go and break his arm, don’t you?”
I shake my head. “Can’t hit him for being right,” I say sadly.
“Rox…”
“No. He’s right. I was. I’m not afraid to admit that. Olly’s just pissed off because I never let him get any.”
“Then how do you know about the size of his dick?”
My lips curve into a smile. “He has small hands.”
Kyle lifts our hands and opens his. His fingers stretch out and his hand is twice the size of mine. He nods. “Hm.”
I laugh silently. He drops my hand and turns me in his arms so I’m facing him. His free hand slides through my hair, and brown eyes find mine in the faint light of the fire.
“All the same, the next guy that talks to you that way is gonna find himself in a hell of a lot of pain.”
I run my thumb across his jaw. “I can handle these ass**les, you know.”
“I know,” he murmurs, moving his face closer to mine. “But I’m afraid they can’t handle you.”
“Can you? Handle me?”
“I can handle you and then some, Roxanne. Do you need a reminder?”
“You’ll need to do some handling if you call me Roxanne again.”
He kisses me and grins against my mouth. “You know I’ll remember that, right?”
“Why wouldn’t you?” I roll my eyes.
Kyle laughs, and it shakes my whole body. I smile and snuggle in closer to him, and his arm snakes round my body even tighter. For a moment, I forget Cam isn’t here. I forget it hurts. I forget everything except Kyle.
Sitting here with him now feels crazy. Being with him is like a dream and I’m afraid he’ll slip through my fingers if I don’t hold on tight enough. I’m afraid one day I’ll pinch myself and wake up and realize this whole thing has been another girly swoon in my own mind.
“How do you feel?”
His words pull me back to reality.
“In other words, do I want a drink?” I mumble into his chest.
He hesitates.
“Yes. I do.”
“Why?”
“Is this an episode of Dr. Phil?”
“Hey.” He pokes my side. “Don’t shut me out. If you feel like shit I wanna know.”
I take a deep breath. “I’m waiting for Cam to appear and rip it out of you, or for the two of you to play some prank on one of the dicks over there.” I nod to the corner. “I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.”
He whispers something under his breath and holds me tighter. I squeeze my eyes closed. My heart hurts – like really hurts. It clenches with every beat, and my stomach tightens as a sliver of pain travels through my body, taking all of me over. My eyes burn and my bottom lip quivers. Shit.
Is this grieving? Proper grieving? It must be. This must be what I’ve hidden for so long. What I’ve been running from. What I’ve refused to accept.
Grief is waking up every morning with a spark of hope only for that spark to be put out and replaced with a heavy heart. It’s holding onto memories and wishing for new ones. Grief is watching the door and watching for that person to walk through again, its listening for their voice in a silence you know will never be broken, and its waiting for them to come running round a corner they’ll never turn.
And grief is the slow breaking of your heart every time you realize they’re never coming back.
“Don’t forget, Roxy.” Kyle kisses my head and whispers in my ear, “Remember with me.”
“I can’t.” My eyes fill with those tears.
“You can.” His fingers stroke my hair. “Let’s go.”
“Where to?”
“Where no one can find us.” He stands and pulls me up with him.
“The gorge?”
“Exactly.”
His strong arm goes around my body and twists me into him. I slide my arms around his waist, trying to ignore the eyes I can feel burning into our backs. The urge to turn and say something is so strong. But that’s something the new Roxy would do. I’m the old Roxy. I think.
It hits me like a punch to the stomach.
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know who I should be or who I think I should be. I’ll never be the person I was, but I don’t know who I will be, either.
I really am lost.
“I’m gonna take three guesses where they’re going!” Olly hollers across the field.
Before I can open my mouth, Kyle yells back, “You’re gonna need more than that. You gotta know what to do with a girl before you can guess right, Olly!”
I snort and bury my face into Kyle’s side. Again, everyone laughs, and I feel like turning and showing him the smug grin spreading across my face.
“I had two choices.” Kyle shrugs and we head up the path leading to the gorge. “I either punched him or made him look like an absolute dick in front of the girl he’s been trying to impress all night.”
I bite my bottom lip. “The latter was definitely funnier.”
“Glad you think so.” He squeezes me.
We’re silent for the rest of the walk to the spot he found with Cam. I’m certain this is my new favorite place. The seclusion combined with nature’s sounds makes it somewhere that shouldn’t exist.