Bitch.
“Am I right?”
I sigh. “Yes. You’re right.”
“Oh, this is good.” She kicks my door shut and bounces across my room, jumping onto my bed next to me. She tucks her legs under her and stares at me. “So. What did you do?”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I mumble. “Uh… I… Um…”
“Yes?”
“Um.”
“Spit it out, Ky!”
“I kissed Roxy!”
The words spill from me, and I hang my head back as soon as I’ve said her name. Iz’s mouth drops open.
“You did… what?”
“Don’t make me say it again,” I plead and tap my temple. “I’m already f**ked up in here, don’t make me be the same way out here too.”
“No, I know what you did. I just… You shocked me. Kind of.”
“Shocked you? Not the great Dr. Iz who can tell someone’s feelings with a mere glance?”
“Shut it.” She shoves my arm. “Obviously I could tell there was some serious tension there but I didn’t realize it was quite that strong. So…”
“Here we go. Do I have to pay you an hourly rate for this session?”
“Half price,” she replies without missing a beat and winks. “Seriously though, bro. You’re guilty because… Why?”
I push myself back so my back is against my wall and bend my knees, staring out of my window. “She’s Cam’s sister, isn’t she? Like… His baby sister. The one girl he loved more than anything.”
“And if he wanted anyone to kiss her, surely it would be you?”
“Yeah, but he made me promise I’d protect her, Iz. I’m doing a stellar job at it. How am I meant to protect her from the dicks she insists on hanging with if I can’t even protect her from myself?”
She doesn’t speak for a moment, letting my question hang in the air between us. And it does hang – heavily. Like no one really wants to answer it.
“Who says you have to protect her from you?” she whispers. “Besides, the best way to protect someone is to have them by your side.”
Ain’t that the truth?
“I dunno. If I were Cam, I’d want to punch me.”
“But you’re not Cam, are you?”
I drag my eyes from the window to hers, and hold her gaze. “It would be easier if I was. Then I wouldn’t be stuck in this shitty place where I have no idea what to do. No idea how to make sense of what I feel.”
“So talk to him.” Iz shrugs like its simple.
“He can’t exactly talk back. Have you forgotten--?”
“He’s dead, I know. But, Ky, death doesn’t have to mean he’s gone. Because he’s not, not really. He’s still here – that’s obvious by the way you’re feeling.” She slides off my bed and stuffs her hands in the pockets of her shorts. “Call me crazy, but I bet if you went to his grave and just let it all out you’d feel better. After all, there’s no one to answer you back, is there?”
~
“I’m a dick, aren’t I?” I ask the marble headstone in front of me like it’ll answer. If it could, it would agree. If it could, it’d probably create a stone fist and slam into me.
It’s silent here. There are no people, no birds, no wind. It’s just me, my words, and my dead best friend. It’s just the sick feeling in my stomach when I think about the last time we were sitting together.
“Shaving cream? In her shampoo? Again?” Cam had looked at me.
I shrugged. “It’s the best one, and you know it.”
“Do you ever think we should grow up and stop the pranks one day?”
“Yeah, one day, but that isn’t anytime soon.” We both grin. “Come on. Let’s do this one more time.”
“You know this is on you, right?”
We stand and I hold my arms out. “Always is, man. Always is.”
And now I’m sitting next to his dead body, expecting responses that’ll never come.
Did I want Roxy back then? Was there a small part of me than recognized something the rest of me didn’t? Have I secretly always wanted Cam’s sister to be more than that?
“You’d know the answer, wouldn’t you? You always f**king did. You knew shit before everyone else did.” I run my fingers through my hair and let out a long breath. “What do I do, man? How do I protect her when the only reason I wanna do it is for a selfish one? If you could see her now…” I let out a sad laugh. “You’d have her locked in a basement somewhere ‘til she sorted her shit out, y’know? She’s bad, real bad, but I dunno what to do. I can’t keep rocking up to these parties and dragging her away.
“I could talk to her, I guess. Talk her down instead of yelling at her ass. But we both know how well that works. She’s stubborn as f**k and does whatever the hell she wants to. Worth a shot though, right?” I shrug. “Option two, – fuck me this is like finals all over again – keep dragging her out of those goddamn parties and show her what she’s doing. How she’s wasting her life. Agreed?”
I wait for a moment in silence, still expecting that answer. Still expecting his voice to laugh at me and tell me to shut the hell up.
“And the last option… the last chance… walk away from her.” I swallow even at the thought. “I turn around and leave her alone, hoping it’ll knock some sense into her. Drastic, but sometimes that’s all she’ll react to, isn’t it? Like the shaving foam in the shampoo bottle. That was always a pretty damn dramatic reaction.”
His name stares back at me, taunting me, and I chew the inside of my cheek.
Three options. Three chances. Three attempts at getting it right.
Three different opportunities for her to kick my ass.
“Better get started then, eh?” I stand and pat the top of his stone. “See ya later.”
Odd how we talk to dead people like they can still hear us. I guess a part of us wants them to hear us, wants to believe they can.
I know I want to believe he can hear me and agree with me.
My feet take me in the direction of the café, and I try to figure out what I’m gonna say. Unsuccessfully. What do you say to the girl you pinned up against her shed wall and kissed the hell out of last night?
Certainly not “Hi, how are you today?”
I shake my head and push open the café door, stopping in the doorway. Roxy’s standing behind the counter, the twins in front of her, and she’s laughing with them. There’s a lightness to that laugh.