But I won’t.
I’ve spent too many endless nights over the last few years wondering what this would feel like. I’ve spent too many hours staring in space in a girly haze wondering what it would be like for him to see me as something other than his best friend’s sister.
Now I know. I know what it’s like to have our lips locked and for him to look at me as someone more than what I always been have.
And I’m afraid I’m helpless against it.
Chapter Twelve – Kyle
Roxanne Hughes is the worst kind of headfuck. And she doesn’t even know it.
She knows the effect she has on guys. Of course she does – she has enough of them falling at her feet – but she has no idea what she does to us. She has no idea that one smile and blink of her eyes grasps our attention. One touch steals it to the point of no return. And I’m done for.
I’m not naïve. I know exactly what she and everyone else does. Her shit attitude is her way of coping with Cam’s death. Hell, she’ll tell that to anyone who will listen¸ but I’m the only one who knows how to tear that crap apart and make her really grieve for him. I’m the only one who knows what’s really hiding behind those beautiful blue eyes.
And, hell. I need to tear apart that shitty little attitude and put her on her ass long enough to make her realize she doesn’t need those jackasses she insists on seducing however many times a week. I need to make her see what she needs is right in front of her. She needs a nice guy who can make her love herself the way he loves her.
I could come to love her so, so easily. Maybe I already do in a tiny corner of my brain. Maybe there’s a part of my body that calls out for her I haven’t listened to yet.
‘Cause, god f**king dammit, the guy she needs is me.
She’s needed me her whole life and I’m not about to let that change now. I couldn’t give a flying crap if she needed me in a different way then. She needs me now more than ever, and I should have been here six months ago when her whole world fell apart.
She’ll never forgive me for that, but y’know what? That’s okay. I won’t forgive my sorry ass for it either. I should have been here to hold together what was left of her shattered heart.
Now though, now I’m home. Now I’m here and I have just over two months to find all those shattered pieces and put them back together in a way only I know how.
I need to make her see she needs me.
Because I know I need her.
“She doesn’t seem to care about anyone other than herself. Well, you’ve seen that.” Myra rubs her hand down her face.
“I think she does care,” I say carefully. “She just doesn’t know how to deal with it. I think she just misses him so much she has to fill that void somehow.”
“She ain’t ever gonna fill that void. No amount of rebellion will fill the gap left by Cam.” Ray sighs. “And she won’t listen. We let it get too far before we stepped in and now we’re paying for it. We should have lassoed her butt and grounded her to make her stop.”
Iz snorts. “She would have found a way to get out. Okay, so she was once quiet and cute, but she’s always been determined. We all know Roxy has always found a way to get what she wants when she wants it, everyone else be damned.”
“You’re right, Iz,” Myra agrees. “What was once of her best traits is now her worst enemy. I just…” She pauses and closes her eyes. Ray reaches over and takes her hand in his, and I feel the stab in my chest at seeing her in so much pain. She’s like a mom to me and this is breaking my damn heart.
Iz reaches over and takes Myra’s hand, too.
“I just wonder if we’d paid more attention to her pain if she’d have done this.” Myra opens her eyes and they’re brimming with tears. “No parent should have to bury their child. The day we lost Cam, half of my soul was brutally ripped out. Of all the people, my boy was taken. My beautiful, bright boy. My world was destroyed. I asked so many times why it was him. I didn’t understand why he had to go. He was so young, so ready for what life had to throw at him, and none of us realized what it was throwing was a curveball. And one hell of a curveball. I was so caught up in my own pain I forgot she was hurting too.”
“Myra—”
“No. For so long I’ve tried to keep it inside to keep strong for her, but it hasn’t worked.” She shakes her head, tears pouring down her cheeks. “She saw the crash and she was the one there when he died. She had that moment and her alone. If he had to spend that with anyone, I’m glad it was her. He loved her more than I’ve ever known someone to love another person. But we all forgot that. We hurt so much we forgot she was the one who watched him die. Our last memory of him alive is a happy one, but hers is watching that life drain from him. Roxy has suffered so much.”
“Myra Hughes, you listen to me right now!” Iz slaps the table. “That god awful day you all lost him. Not just you, not just Roxy. You all lost him, okay? You all had – and still do have – a right to grieve for him in whichever way you feel necessary. Sophia Loren once said that having a child was letting a piece of your heart walk around outside your body, or something like that anyway, and if shutting yourself off was the way of dealing with losing that part of your heart forever, then damn.
“You deserve that. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to cry and you’re allowed to think of no one but yourself. If I even feel half the pain you do, then again, damn! You are allowed to hurt and you don’t ever feel guilty for that.
“Roxy didn’t pick the right way to grieve. And she isn’t even grieving. She’s fighting against it – she’s sending herself into oblivion god knows how many times a week because she doesn’t want to remember. Not because of anything you and Ray did or didn’t do. She picked this path. She picked forgetting over grieving and it isn’t a long term solution. I’d imagine it works great for a while, but now it must be getting tedious, even for her.”
“I just don’t know what we’re supposed to do.” Myra breaks down now. She snatches her hands back and leans onto the table, burying her face in her arms. Her shoulders shakes, and for a moment, the only sound is the echo of her sobbing around the café.
I stand, walk around the table, and wrap my arms around her neck from behind her. I hug her. I don’t know what else to do. This woman who treated me like her own for my whole life, the one who was there when I couldn’t talk to my own mom about girl stuff, she’s heartbroken. She’s lost one child and in her mind, she’s losing another.