“He was probably just flirting with me to get under your skin. Don’t let it affect you. That’s what he wants, I’m sure.” But then she added, “Besides, that was before you were together. What difference does it make now?”
Which if that were true, again why had she bothered to mention it?
“It doesn’t,” I said, finally, but my voice was cold.
“Oh come on, don’t be pissed. At least you know I’m always honest with you.”
“Are you?” I asked, searching her face for clues as to what the hell was going on in her head.
“Absolutely.” She stared back. “Are you honest with me?”
“Yes. I don’t have any secrets.” But it was the wrong thing to say and I knew it immediately.
“Then why didn’t I know about Heath or Brian or anything about your life? Secrets. All of them, Caitlyn. And not the kind of secret where you stole a bracelet from Martin’s when you were thirteen. Like important shit, stuff about who you are.”
So we were back to that. “I thought we already had this conversation.”
“We did.” She stood up and hobbled over to her mini fridge. “And you know what? I’m not having it again, because nothing is ever going to change the fact that you didn’t share jack shit with me and I’ve been a f**king open book. And yet you are sitting there and you actually think I’m lying that your boyfriend texted me. That I made it up. Just think whatever you want. I don’t have to prove anything to you.”
“What did he say in the texts?” Everything was spiraling out of control. This conversation, like all our recent conversations, had become a minefield. I didn’t know what to say to Aubrey or what to believe or what she was going to say next. The easiness to our friendship was gone and I was upset and hurt by that, and angry with myself that it was my own fault.
“I don’t know. Stupid shit. Like what are you doing? And that I’m beautiful and crap like that.”
“Let me see.” I held my hand out, nostrils flaring. I was acting crazy, I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself, couldn’t dam the flood.
“I don’t have them anymore.”
“Are you sure?”
“Oh, my God, really?” Aubrey hurled her phone at me. “Fucking look for yourself!”
I didn’t bother, just catching her phone in my hands. If she said they weren’t there, then clearly they weren’t. But it made me wonder all over again if any of it was true. “I don’t need to look.” I stood up and put her phone on her desk next to her. “I’m sorry.”
“You know, have you ever stopped to ask yourself if you’re actually happy with this guy? Because you don’t seem happy. You seem crazy.”
The accusation stung. “I’m happy.” I was. I loved Heath with everything inside me and it felt amazing that he was back in my life. Amazing that the love and friendship we’d shared hadn’t been damaged by the time apart. He was my best friend.
But of course, I couldn’t say that out loud. Aubrey wouldn’t understand that she could be my best friend too, just in a different way.
Which didn’t really seem to make sense. I was confused again, unable to articulate my feelings in any way that was coherent.
“I love him,” was what I finally said.
“Are you sure? Because it seems more like obsession to me. He has some weird hold on you. Like a cult leader does his follower.”
That was going way too far. I stood up, hurt and anger so enormous my hands were shaking. “You don’t understand. You’ve never been in love.”
“What, so I’m not in your stupid club? If it makes me act like you are, then I don’t want to be.” She folded her arms across her chest and looked away from me.
I walked out, not bothering to respond to that. I knew she was jealous. I knew I was acting irrational and jealous myself. But she was being harsh. Just flat out harsh, and I didn’t need to listen to that. I wasn’t going to be a target or a punching bag for her feeling left out. When did best friends fall in love with great guys at the exact same time? Like never. It was just going to happen that she or I might be in a relationship and the other one wouldn’t be.
If I were single, I would never begrudge her happiness with someone.
Nor would I suggest that her boyfriend had been flirting with me before they got together. What was the point? There could be zero possible reason to bring that up unless she just wanted to hurt me. Plain and simple.
Going into my room, I slammed the door shut and locked it.
Headphones stuffed into my ears, I cranked my music and tried to study. I had a finance quiz in two days.
But I couldn’t concentrate at all.
I fixated on the idea of Heath texting sexy things to Aubrey. My dream from the other night danced in front of my eyes over and over. What if there was more to it? What if Heath and Aubrey had hooked up? She wasn’t one to betray a friend, but then again, she hadn’t known at that point how much Heath meant to me, because I hadn’t told her. She also wasn’t one to hold a guy off if he wanted to have sex.
The thought of them together, panting, touching each other, bodies hot and slick, made bile rise up in my throat.
Heath had to work that night at the Tavern. Technically I wasn’t old enough to get in, but it was a dive bar that undergrads frequented because no one checked IDs. I knew I could get in, especially on a weeknight.
It was a bad idea. I knew it was a bad idea even as I was pulling on my shoes. I didn’t bother to change, still wearing jeans and a flannel shirt that I’d worn to class. Heath didn’t need or want me to dress up or put on makeup. I didn’t have the patience for it, not when I felt itchy with anxiety. I needed answers, the truth. Heath would never hide the truth from me, even if it hurt.
I half expected to see Brian passed out on a stool when I walked in, which would have added to my agitation, but there were only three guys in there and none of them were my brother. It was too early, most likely. Or maybe Ethan and Aubrey had some kind of conspiracy going to make me miserable. Though I didn’t really believe that. Ethan didn’t have a cruel bone in his body, and I knew deep down, that he had ended our relationship because he knew that I couldn’t love him the way I loved Heath. He hadn’t meant to hurt me.
Aubrey I wasn’t so sure about.
But either way, Brian wasn’t in the bar, which was just as well. I needed to process the whole flirting with my best friend issue before I dealt with the possibility that Heath was encouraging Brian’s alcoholism.