“Ah, but I know where there will be alcohol.”
“What do you mean?”
“Brian’s stash. I bet it’s still here. I’ll be right back.” He went upstairs to his old bedroom.
I followed, curious. “Brian had a stash?”
“Of course he did. He had alcohol and pot. Your mom saw it once but he blamed it on that kid Tony who was staying here at the time. Fortunately, your mother didn’t seem to care.” Heath lifted up one of the floorboards in the closet and gave a sound of triumph. “Well, hello Jack.” He showed me a bottle of Jack Daniels, two thirds empty. “And there’s p**n in here too. I’ll just leave that for the next owners.”
“Gross.” I knew that booze and p**n were staples for a lot of teenage boys, but I was just over my brother. Everything he did gave me the creeps. “Are you really going to drink Jack Daniel at two thirty in the morning?”
“Just a sip to warm me up.” Heath unscrewed the cap and drank straight out of the bottle. “Ah. Nice burn.”
“That’s an oxymoron.” I yawned. “I’m going back to bed. Come lay down with me.”
“What if I can’t fall asleep? I don’t want to wake you up.”
“I don’t care.” I wanted him where I could see him. Touch him. Hear him.
We climbed back into my narrow bed, cuddling up together. “Shit, I knocked something over,” he said, reaching over to turn on the lamp. “It looks like your notebook.”
“It’s my diary.” I rolled over onto his chest and reached for it. “I’ll take that, thank you very much.”
But he held it up, out of my reach, teasing. “Are there secrets in here? Dirty dark secrets?”
“No. But it’s embarrassing.”
“Why? Do you talk about masturbating or something?”
Geez. I rolled my eyes. “No. I talk about you. It’s from high school.”
He lowered his arm and gave the diary to me. “All right, I’ll stop teasing you.”
Since he gave in without either looking or sounding particularly jealous, I took the book and flipped it open, not wanting him to think I had secrets I couldn’t share with him. “Here. See? Totally embarrassing.”
It was the page where I had written his name and mine, over and over. My name with his last name as if we were married.
“Aw, that’s sweet. Cat Deprey, huh? I like it.” He closed the book and set it back on the nightstand. He kissed my forehead. “Good night.”
That was it? I showed him that I had been dreaming of marrying him and he said it was sweet. Okay, I admit it, I had wanted him to explore the issue. I had just gotten out of my engagement and it hadn’t even been my decision to end it, so I didn’t want to be engaged again. But yes, I was seeking some kind of hint that there was a future between us. That he wasn’t just going to disappear off this island and we would go back to the life the way it was before.
My life wouldn’t be the same. Couldn’t be the same.
Heath’s appearance had destroyed my relationship with Ethan. If he left, I truly would be alone.
It was an anxiety that was like a layer of plastic wrap over my happiness, smothering it, not allowing it to breathe. Part of me felt like that was my problem, my neuroses, not his to have to deal with. But at the same time, if I wasn’t with Heath, if he hadn’t come back into my life, I would be planning my wedding to Ethan.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
Other than the fact that while Ethan had allowed me to breathe, Heath felt like the air I needed to exist.
But I still fell asleep quickly, his arm wrapped around me, despite all my worrying, my discontent. My desire for all of him now that I had some of him.
I dreamt of nothing.
Chapter Fifteen
“Morning,” Heath said to me, leaning over top of me.
I jerked away, startled by him hovering over me. “What’s going on?” He was out of bed, but not wearing a shirt. Panic flooded me. “Is someone here? Do we have to leave?”
“What? No.” He laughed softly, fingertips brushing over my temple, my cheek. “When did you become such a worrier? Relax, baby. It’s snowing, that’s all. First snow of the season.”
“Oh.” I rubbed my eyes. I had no idea why I was so worried. Why I couldn’t just enjoy myself. Enjoy us. “I need some coffee.” I’d slept hard, the dead sleep of anxiety, where your brain just shuts down and cuts you off. I felt groggy, hungover.
Heath looked the exact opposite. He was smiling, giving me little kisses all over my face, bouncing a bit on the bed with his forearms. The motion made me a little nauseous, but at the same time seeing him like that, so happy, so happy with me, shook off the sluggishness I was feeling.
“I’ll make you coffee,” he said. “If you promise to go for a walk with me. It’s beautiful outside.”
“Of course I’ll go for a walk with you.” I was pretty sure I would go anywhere with him.
“Excellent.” He gave me another smacking kiss, his dogtags hitting me in the chest before he reared back and left the room, full of energy, his jeans sliding low on his hips. I got a nice view of the muscles in his back, and the curve of his butt. The good mood he was in made him seem younger again, the way he had been when he’d been alone with me that year we were together.
It was a side I was sure he’d only shown me and I sat up, got dressed, a warm languid contentment spreading over me. He was in the kitchen pouring beans into the coffeemaker. I came up behind him and wrapped my arms around his stomach, resting my cheek on his back. I kissed his skin softly, breathing in his scent.
His left hand came over mine and squeezed. “How dark do you like your coffee? You never drank coffee before so I’m not sure what you want.”
“Coffee became mandatory in college.” I looked out the window. He was right. It was snowing. A soft peaceful drifting of fat wet flakes.
Pulling away from him, I played with the strings of my sweatshirt. “College is harder than I expected. I have to study more than other students, I swear. I feel like I came to school with a disadvantage.”
“Don’t be dissing your public school education.” He added water to the pot. “I’m sure you’re doing just fine. You’re smart and you’re quick.”
“I’m not saying I got a bad education. But I had to work really hard in high school too. Sometimes I lose track of the goal and I just want to give up. I wonder why I’m working so hard.”