Shaking her head, Callie climbs over the console and sits on my lap, facing me with a leg on each side. ‘You’re not broken, Kayden. Why would you ever say that?’
‘Because …’ My hands start to quiver as she guides my arms around her waist. ‘Because a tiny part of me doesn’t even feel bad for him.’ Before I can see her reaction, which I’m sure is filled with disgust, I lower my head onto her shoulder and breathe in her comforting scent.
After a few minutes of gripping onto her and sobbing, I manage to get my crying under control, but the silence in the car is heavier than my tears. I’m not sure what to say to her, what she’s thinking, feeling. God, I wish I could read her mind, see into her soul like I swear she sees into mine.
‘You know that day when you beat up Caleb?’ she finally asks, her voice slightly choked up.
It’s not what I was expecting her to say, but I still lean back to look at her as I nod. ‘Of course I remember it. It was the day I felt I finally did something for you, instead of the other way around.’
I’d lost it that day when I found out Caleb Miller, a guy who was a little bit older than me and grew up in our town, was the one who raped Callie when she was twelve. I’d wanted him to pay for it somehow, so I did the only thing I could – beat the shit out of him.
‘Well, I remember when I heard about it – about what you did.’ Her voice cracks. ‘I hated to admit it, considering all of the bad stuff that happened afterward to you, but a part of me felt relieved, maybe even a little bit grateful.’
‘But you deserved to feel that way,’ I assure her. ‘What he did to you was fucking horrible and sick and wrong.’
‘Just like what your father did to you,’ she says with pressing eyes. When I start to look away, she places her hand on my face and forces me to look at her. ‘Kayden, I’ve heard some of the stories about the things he’s done, and I’m pretty sure you’ve made sure not to tell me the worst of them, considering’ – she glances down at my chest – ‘how big some of those scars are.’
‘But I don’t want to be like him,’ I say in a strangled whisper. ‘I don’t want to be full of rage and hate like him.’
‘Why would you ever think you were like him? You’re not in any way, shape, or form.’
‘But I’m relieved because he’s hurt, like he deserved it somehow. And that’s something he would do – feel relief by hurting people.’
‘That’s different, Kayden. Way, way different. And you didn’t hurt him.’
She’s saying pretty much what my therapist said to me today when I went to talk to him about how I was feeling. And part of me gets why they’re telling me this, but the other part of me – the one that fears turning out like my grandfather and my father – can’t get over how full of hate my reaction is.
‘I know, but …’ I can’t meet her gaze, my eyes on the parking lot, the stars in the sky, anywhere but at her.
‘But what?’ She urges me to tell her, to look at her, not to shut down like I have in the past. And I want to give her that. I really do, but I need to figure out how.
‘What if I keep getting set off?’ I finally dare say, forcing my attention back on her.
Her gaze swallows me up. ‘I’m not sure what you mean.’
I raise my wrist. ‘What if things only get worse and return to this. The last time my father was in my life, this shit owned me.’
Worry masks her face. ‘But he’s not in your life anymore.’
‘He might be. I mean, what if the rest of my family takes him back. And Dylan … he wants me to come out there for a week. I think he suggested it because he thought it’d help being around him while going through this, but I don’t know.’ I shrug. ‘I’ve never associated my family with helping me in anyway. Even Dylan.’
‘Then don’t go,’ she states simply, cupping my face between her hands, making me look at her. ‘You’re not under any obligation to go there. You’ve suffered enough. And if you think this is going to be hard, then you deserve not to go. You have me, Seth, and Luke all here for you, so you’re not alone in any of this. You’re never, ever alone.’
I force down the massive lump welling in my throat. ‘I know that, but I feel guilty that you guys have to put up with my shit. And I feel guilty for bailing on my family.’
‘Well, you don’t need to feel guilty about anything.’ Her voice shakes with anger, startling me. ‘You don’t owe them anything, only yourself, so do what you want to do and no one else.’
‘But what if … what if she calls me?’
‘You mean your mom?’
‘Yeah, I’m not sure I ever want to talk to her again.’ I hate that I sound like a scared little boy, but I can’t seem to control it. My mother was the type of woman who pretended not to see anything, even though she saw everything. All those years she let my father beat me, even called me in sick for school when I was too broken to go. ‘Sometimes, I feel like I hate her just as much as my father.’ I raise my hands between us and let my head fall into them. ‘God, I don’t want to do this – go back to that shit. I thought I’d moved on from it.’
‘You don’t have to let her into your life. If they don’t make you happy, don’t let them in. Life is all about the happiness, Kayden, and you should never settle for anything less.’ Callie opens the driver side door so she can climb out of the car. ‘Now scoot over. I’m going to take you somewhere.’
I lift my head up to look at her. ‘But what about the concert? You were looking forward to this and I can go back inside. It’s probably better if I do anyway, instead of sitting out here having a pity party.’
She rolls her eyes, lightening the mood a smidgeon. ‘You’re not having a pity party.’ She enfolds her arms around herself, shivering as her breath puffs out. ‘And besides, it wasn’t the concert I was looking forward to so much as spending time with you all dressed up.’
‘And I want to give that to you. You deserve to have what you want.’
Her intense gaze is locked on mine. ‘I have what I want every single day.’
Is it possible to fall in love with someone even when you’re already in love with them? Because I’m pretty sure I just did.
‘Where are we going?’