Evan cut me a worried look. “You sure this is your best move? Taking off to stay with another guy won’t win you any reconciliation points.”
“He thinks I’m a complete waste of space. At this point, the only thing I can do is get out of his way.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
For two days after the breakup, I wallowed, and Evan let me. He made sure I ate one meal a day, but otherwise, he didn’t pressure me to be productive. But on the twenty-third, he tapped on my bedroom door, and it took me a full five minutes to schlep over to open it. When I did, I noticed his worried look.
“I’m alive, don’t worry.”
“That’s not why I’m here. I just wanted to tell you that I’m taking off.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I promised my mom I’d come home for Christmas this year. So I’ll be gone until the twenty-sixth. Will you be okay here? Without a car and everything.”
I nodded. “It’s fine. I have other friends.”
From his expression, he was wondering why I wasn’t staying with them, then, and why I hadn’t called them for a midnight pickup at the Ann Arbor train station. But he was nice enough not to poke holes in my pride. Evan just nodded.
“Okay, well, there’s food in the kitchen. No more than you’ve been eating, it should hold you until I get back.” He hesitated, seeming torn.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just feel shitty leaving you alone on Christmas.”
That started a laugh out of me. “You know I’m Jewish, right? Mostly lapsed, but still.”
“Shit, yeah, I forgot. That makes me feel better. I’ll only be an hour and a half away, so if you need to talk, call me.”
“I promise I’ll be fine,” I said.
Taking my word for it, Evan headed out. I spent the next three days trying to figure out what to do. Obviously I couldn’t stay with Evan forever, and it wasn’t particularly convenient to get to campus from here. If he still went to Mount Albion, I wouldn’t mind giving him gas money like I used to Angus, and letting him drive me in, but as Evan put it, his college enrollment was “lapsed.” No ready solutions came to me, though I did find out that there was a bus stop a mile and a half away, so, though it wouldn’t be easy, I could get to school from here.
Mostly I glommed TV shows online and felt sorry for myself. But I wasn’t on the verge of breaking; this wasn’t like Eli, after all. Because while he was irrefutably gone, Max was across town, probably feeling as bad as I did. Which shouldn’t have made me feel better, but if I couldn’t be with him, it was sort of comforting to picture us sharing the same pain. It was hard to sleep, so I stared out the window a lot, watching as fat, white snowflakes sputtered down. We got at least two inches as I watched that night, and I didn’t fall asleep until 5:00 a.m. I had no tears left, only a burning regret over the way I broke something so beautiful.
I’m sorry I hurt you.
Because Evan would yell if I didn’t, I made sure to eat. When he came back, he was loaded down with presents and bags of leftovers. He seemed worried, but I was still alive and no worse off than when he’d left. I helped him put stuff away while inspecting the delicacies his mom had sent home: turkey, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots, fruit salad, rolls, cherry pie.
“Wow, that’s some haul.”
“She’s convinced I don’t cook.”
“Does she know you’re out of school?”
He nodded, stacking containers in the fridge, which was down to eggs, ketchup and a few bottles of beer. “Yeah, I thought a music degree would be a waste of time.”
“Are you thinking about going back?”
“Maybe. If I can figure out what to do with myself. It pisses me off to waste money.”
“That makes sense.” I took a breath. “I was wondering... Would it be a huge problem if I stayed until graduation?”
“Not for me. It’s nice having a roommate. But are you moving in June? We haven’t really talked about it.” He had to be asking because of the band.
“Maybe. I don’t have my shit together as much as most seniors.”
“No life plan?”
I laughed wryly. “I don’t even have a day plan.”
“Well, as soon as you know, give us a heads-up, okay? Since Dana and Ji Hoo both have another year, if you go, we’ll need to audition keyboardists again.” Evan sounded like he’d rather pull out a few teeth with needle-nose pliers.
“You’ll be the first to know.”
“Thanks. You want me to fix you a plate?”
“Nah, I ate already. I’ll have some tomorrow.”
He looked like he wanted to lecture me, but instead he got out some sheet music and a battered notebook. “I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d make you work on some songs. This is how far I’ve gotten.”
For the rest of the break, we worked until we managed to finish one of his works in progress. Lyrics didn’t come easy to me, but it was pretty satisfying when we finally produced something to play for Dana and Ji Hoo when they got back. Evan handled most of the melody, though I did come up with a nice bridge. On the downside, it was cold as hell working out in the garage. I was shivering when we finally came in.
“I’m making coffee,” I said.
“Fine by me. Two sugars, no milk.”
As I worked the machine, I wondered what Max was doing, if he had somebody with him. Angus and Kia should be home soon, but I had no idea when. I’d held off on texting them so as not to ruin their trips, though maybe I was giving myself too much credit. Me moving out might register as more of an inconvenience, especially when they heard Max’s side of the story. In this scenario, I was definitely the black hat, though not from bad intentions.
Road to hell, good intentions. Check.
“What’re you worried about?” Evan asked, as I brought the drinks to the living room.
“Just wondering how many friends I’ll lose when the word gets out.”
“Ah. Yeah, dividing up the social circle sucks.”
In the end, it wasn’t as bad as I feared. On January 4, I sent texts to Angus, Nadia and Kia, explaining the situation in brief. Angus replied at once: Seriously? Shit. You guys were so good together. I’ll miss you, C. But we’ll go out drinking next weekend, okay? I’m your DD.
I sent back, Sounds good. Thanks.
It took Nadia half an hour, but she was even more concerned. Are you okay? You want to come over for dinner some night this week? I promise my cooking is better now.