“Shit. None of that’s true.”
“He doesn’t know that. I hate to say it, but for a smart girl, you sure fucked up.”
Letting out a heavy sigh, I bowed my head. “I know.”
There was no point in explaining my motivations to Evan. I’d save the truth for Max and hope he had a smidgen of understanding tucked away. I couldn’t stand it if this was the end for us. The drive back to Mount Albion went quicker than I wanted and slower than molasses. But an hour and ten minutes after I got in the van, he pulled up outside my apartment.
“You live together, right?”
I nodded.
“If things get too awkward, you can crash at my place for a while. I have a spare room and my uncle’s not coming back until November.”
While the idea that things might go that badly sent my stomach into a permanent spin, it was also comforting that Evan was willing to put me up, though he knew how I’d screwed up. I let out a slow breath, staring up at the building. From the front, it was impossible to tell if Max was home, but a glance around the parking lot and I located his bike, parked in the usual spot.
“I appreciate it. Well, I guess I better go up, huh?”
“It won’t do any good to put it off,” he agreed.
“See you next year. I hope.” With that, I grabbed my backpack and went to face the damage.
Part of me hoped Max would be asleep, just so I had an excuse to put this off, but I knew he wouldn’t be. When I unlocked the apartment door, he was on the couch bathed in the flickering light of the TV screen with a beer in his hand and two empties on the table next to him. He didn’t speak as I closed the door behind me. In fact, he didn’t even look at me.
“Max...”
“Go to bed,” he said in a monotone.
“I’m not moving until you talk to me.”
At that, his mouth compressed, a muscle jumping in his neck. “You’re determined to have it out tonight, huh? Fine. Let’s do it.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“For what? For blindsiding me with your two-million-dollar condo and your bitchy, diamond-studded mother? Or for letting me think we make sense together?”
My throat tightened. “That’s not funny.”
“Do I look like I’m laughing? I haven’t kept any secrets from you, Courtney. You know exactly where I’m from. But I knew jack shit about you, apparently.”
“I messed up. I know that. But there’s a reason I didn’t say anything. I’m begging you to just listen, okay?” I dropped my backpack and sank onto the floor. It wasn’t intentional but I ended up on my knees, leaning against the couch. It had been such a long fucking day that every part of me ached, but I just couldn’t walk away until we hit some semblance of understanding.
“No, I think I’ll talk instead.” Max downed the rest of his beer and then crushed the can in one hand. “Let me guess, you wanted to be sure I wasn’t just another broke asshole chasing you for your money.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” I choked out.
“What, then?”
“I was afraid this would happen. That it would change everything and you wouldn’t see me the same anymore.”
“Well, you were right.” He still hadn’t looked directly at me. Instead, he was staring at the infomercial on TV like the kitchenware could unlock the secrets of the universe.
“Please don’t say that.”
“Unlike you, I’m not a liar, Courtney. Not even by omission.”
“What do you want me to do?” The tears were choking me, a knot of sea salt about my neck. Between the pain and lack of oxygen, it felt like my chest was on fire.
“Be who I thought you were.”
“I’m still me,” I protested.
“You’re a rich girl passing in my neighborhood. I hope it was a good time.”
“Was?” My voice shook.
“I thought that was pretty clear by the way your mom treated me.”
“What she thinks and what I do have never been remotely the same.”
He ignored that, breaking my heart a little more. What had been a hairline fracture widened into a fissure. I could almost taste the blood, a coppery echo in the back of my throat. I clenched my hands into fists to stop myself from crawling over and clinging to his legs. That wouldn’t soften his mood any, and I couldn’t even blame him for what he was saying. Not when I’d hurt him so badly.
“Let me ask you this... What are you even doing here?”
“Where?”
“Mount Albion. With the money I saw in Chicago, your parents could’ve bought you a spot anywhere, just about. Why aren’t you at an Ivy League school? That’s where you belong.”
That made me mad because he knew about Eli, about rehab. I hadn’t kept that part of my life a secret from him at all. So I snapped, “My GPA was terrible, Max, and my SATs were worse. I mean, shit, I was wait-listed even here at Mount Albion. This was the best I could do.”
He let out a sigh that was nearly a snarl and snapped out of his chair. For a few seconds, he towered over me, but I wasn’t scared. Then he dropped to his knees, facing me with a sadness that I never, ever wanted to see in his beautiful brown eyes. Tears trembled in his lashes and he blinked them away without speaking.
Countless moments later, his voice came out gravel-rough, hoarse as if he’d spent that time crying. “See, that’s exactly the problem, Courtney. You just proved my point.”
“Huh?”
“You think I didn’t hear your disdain just now? ‘This was the best I could do.’ To you, this place is a waste, and you’re clocking time. But you got any idea how fucking proud I am that Mount Albion took me? I saved for two years, ate ramen, pored over grant application requirements in the library before my shifts. I begged strangers at the adult education center to help me figure this shit out. Some days, I ate nothing but pride. So Mount Albion is the best I could do, too, but...in a completely different way.”
Oh, God. He’s right. What did I just say? I couldn’t breathe.
He went on, “You have everything, including parents who care enough to act crazy on your behalf, and you don’t want it. I have nothing and I’m fighting for every inch.”
“I’m really proud of you,” I managed to say.
“Why? You think what I achieve is a reflection on you? ‘Look at me, I’m so awesome supporting my hard-luck boyfriend.’” He sighed and closed his eyes. “This is why we don’t make sense. You’ve never lived in the real world. I didn’t understand the scope until meeting your mother, but things are crystal clear now.”