“Since last night.”
“And you already look this bad? I don’t know if I’m impressed or disappointed.”
“You’re not funny,” I mumbled.
As Happy licked her dish around the kitchen floor, I nibbled on the sandwich: turkey on wheat, Swiss cheese, no mayo. It was kind of dry, so I washed it down with the water she’d poured for me. Her cooking might not be very good, but Avery was here, more than I could say about anyone else. Deep down I knew that wasn’t fair; I’d told Nadia not to come home and my mom had no idea how fucked up my life had become. I hated the idea of bringing her down, though, because things were going so great with her and Stuart.
“At least I don’t have to worry about Rob getting arrested anymore.”
That caught my attention. “Huh?”
“I heard they questioned him about what happened to Davies’s car.”
For some reason, her tone set me on high alert. “What do you know about that?”
“Simple. I did it.”
“What the hell...why?” I put down my water glass, arrested by the glaring truth that Avery was troubled with capital T.
“Men like him, they have all the authority. I just wanted one of them to pay for once. They get away with everything, always. Nothing we do matters, nothing we say, either.”
“This clearly isn’t about my boss,” I said quietly. “You want to talk?”
“Not really. I’m supposed to be helping you, not the other way around.” But her eyes were so sad that it made my problems seem small by comparison.
“Maybe we can do both. It would help me to focus on you, I think.”
“I am not okay,” she said shakily.
“I get that.” Standing up, I put my hand on her shoulder and guided her into the living room. “I’m not, either. But we can be broken together, right? If you don’t want to talk, we don’t have to. But if you’re flipping out and demolishing cars, I think maybe you need to. If not to me, then someone else.”
She bent her head so red hair spilled into her face. “There’s nobody else.”
“What about Jillian?”
“She follows the friend code I set down long ago. Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
Happy bounded between us, seeming to understand that we needed her equally. I put my hand on her head, rubbed the back of her neck just as she liked, and she closed her eyes in doggy bliss. Avery stroked her back. The silence seemed laden with unspoken, awful things.
Maybe it’ll be easier for her if I go first.
“I’m about to tell you something nobody else knows. Well, except the three guys involved, and I pray to God two of them were too drunk to remember. One was definitely sober, and if I never see him again, that would be okay. Which kind of sucks, because he and I, we were friends, before that night.”
“Lauren, you don’t have to—”
“No, it’s okay. I want to tell you. Not that many people know this about me, but...” As I had with Nadia, I laid out my issues, and this time, there was no accompanying burn of embarrassment, as if talking about it made it less shameful each time. The fact was, I shouldn’t feel so bad about emotions I couldn’t help or control. “So to cope with this shit, I started drinking at school. Not the usual college partying but an escape hatch, so I didn’t have to be me at all.”
“I stole my mom’s Valium for years,” Avery said softly. “And sometimes I thought about taking the whole bottle.”
“I’m glad you didn’t.”
A tilt of her head, as if I’d said something funny. “You’re probably the only one.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.” But from her expression, I shouldn’t take the think-of-the-people-who-love-you path through the woods, so I went back to my own story. “Anyway, there was this guy who was kind of into me, and he hated watching me self-destruct. Before I even knew how he felt, he tried to talk to me about it. I laughed him off. In fact, I got drunk and banged him, just to prove no matter what he said, he was just like everyone else.”
Her face didn’t express what she thought about that, thankfully. “How did it work out?”
“Not well. I spiraled further out of control. Until one night, we were both at a party, Max and me. I got so drunk, I had no idea what I was doing. Ended up in a bedroom with two guys. Max stormed in and got me out but the assholes jumped him, and there was this huge fight. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with a threesome under the right circumstances, but it wasn’t a decision I made or something I wanted. And Max got hurt...because of me. It was a frat party, and they piled on, pounded the shit out of him. If not for him, I’d have ended up a cautionary tale—‘look how she was dressed, how much she drank, she was asking for it—’”
“Stop it.” Avery had both hands clenched into fists, tears standing in her eyes. “It’s not your fault. It’s not mine, either.”
“What isn’t?” I held my breath, wondering if she’d tell me.
“My uncle. I was eleven when it started.”
That’s why she pulled away from Nadia. My stomach clenched, and I fought down a wave of nausea, knowing I had to be strong for Avery just like I had been for Rob. “You told your parents?”
“It went on for years before I worked up the nerve. My uncle said he’d deny it. ‘Who do you think they’ll believe?’ But...my senior year, I got proof. I thought it would finally be over when I showed my dad.”
I wanted to hug her or maybe put my hands over hers, but something told me that would be a bad idea right now. “What happened?”
“He slapped me. Said there was something wrong with me for recording it. Then he smashed my phone and said nobody would ever know my shame.”
“I’m going to kill him.”
She managed a sharp, painful smile. “I thought about it. Before, when you said you were glad I didn’t eat a bottle of pills? That’s the thing. I did.”
“You were out for two weeks,” I said, remembering.
“Yeah. I went to a clinic in Omaha. My family said they’d leave me there if I didn’t come home and settle down, stop being dramatic. I was seventeen, I didn’t know what else to do. But it’s hell because I still see the bastard at family parties. He acts like nothing happened.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t run as soon as you turned eighteen.” But I’d never been in her shoes; I had no idea what it was like.