I wouldn’t have it for much longer. As soon as he accepted that I meant it, the bars would come down. “If you’re thinking about staying to work things out with me, don’t bother. I’m not ready for all of this, it’s too much, and I need to focus on school. So go have this amazing life. You deserve it. Prove to everyone how much more you are than they ever imagined.”
Of everything I just said, the last thing was the only part I meant. But my poker face was too good for even Rob to penetrate. It almost killed me when he lifted his chin, blinking long lashes against the tears. Mine were frozen into a solid core, nuclear winter in my chest.
“Why are you talking like this? It doesn’t even sound like you.” Tilting his head, he frowned in perplexity. “Why can’t we do long-distance, if you don’t want to move?”
Shit. He’s not entirely buying it.
“Rob...if I was planning to move out, why would I tie myself to a boyfriend I can’t even bang before bed? That’s all of the limitations of a relationship, none of the fun, and I was already feeling kind of...trapped.”
He flinched. “I’m sorry life with me wasn’t...fun.”
It was so much more; it was perfect.
“I’ll start looking for a place,” I said, pretending his pain didn’t slash me open.
I never wanted to hurt you. Not you. I’m so sorry. But you can’t stay and I can’t follow.
Wiping his eyes, he reached down to rub Happy’s head, and her tail thumped against the floor. “No, you should stay. I want you here, even if...you’re not with me.”
“No way.” I couldn’t live here without him. That would just be an endless turning of the knife, and I’d never get over him.
“It would help if I had some rent coming in to cover this house payment. And you’re already here. I don’t have time to look for a tenant before I leave.”
After stomping on his heart, I couldn’t say no. “Okay. Are you taking her?”
His hand slowed in rubbing between the dog’s ears. “She’ll be better off with the yard and all. I’ll be in an apartment, and I don’t know how much time I’ll have to play with her.”
“I’ll take good care of her. With the dog door, she can run outside as much as she wants, even when I’m at work.”
“I have one request.”
“What?”
“I want to take the stories you wrote with me. I haven’t finished yet. I need to know how it ends.”
That opened me up but I couldn’t break, not with his whole future depending on my strength. My hands trembled, so I curled them into fists. “Sure, you can take the binders. I don’t need them anymore.”
He swallowed hard. “I was afraid you’d say that.”
“Rob—”
He held up a hand, an invisible wall between us. “Back to business. If it helps, you can ask Avery to move in, split the rent with her.” He cleared his throat, his face set in impenetrable lines. “It would help me if you look in on my parents now and then, like you said.”
“No problem.”
Rob made a fist and slammed it against the table, rattling the mugs, so hot chocolate slopped over the side. A whimper escaped Happy and she jumped away from him to huddle against my knees. I patted her, hurting so bad I couldn’t breathe.
“Tell me one thing...you owe me that. Did you ever love me at all?”
I smiled at him wryly. “Not enough.”
Too much. More than anyone, ever.
“I never said it because I was waiting for you to tell me how you feel. I thought, any day now, she’ll kiss me good-night and whisper it in my ear.”
Until this moment, I didn’t realize I was holding the words hostage, a last ditch self-defense mechanism. Not telling him didn’t keep me from falling hopelessly in love, though. I could only whisper, “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“You’ve destroyed me,” he corrected quietly. “If you just wanted to fuck, you shouldn’t have encouraged me to think I matter. I wish you hadn’t let me hope.”
There was no way this conversation would get better, and if he unleashed any more emotional honesty, I might break. “I should go.”
He shook his head, shoving back from the table. “I’ll pack my shit and take off.”
“Tonight?” I wasn’t prepared for that, though maybe I should’ve been.
“Why not? What’s keeping me here?”
“Don’t you want to have dinner with your parents or something, share your good news?”
Rob shrugged. “So they can tell me I’m not as smart as Nadia and I’m kidding myself that anyone will take me seriously in Toronto after they listen to me talk for ten minutes? I’ve had enough of everyone in this town, I’m out.”
Finally, I thought. My work here is done.
“Be careful. Make sure you rest. It’s a long drive.” That wasn’t even remotely what I wanted to say.
By his expression, I shouldn’t have bothered. “Stop. I won’t be your friend, I’m not going to pretend you haven’t yanked my heart out of my chest, just so you don’t feel bad.”
“That’s fair,” I managed.
“I’ll send you the rental agreement. Have a nice life, Lauren.”
He got up and strode out of the kitchen. Upstairs, I heard him packing. I stared into my cocoa mug, moving the dregs with a spoon, until he went out of the front door. Happy trotted after him, and she whimpered when he shut it quietly in her face. She loved riding in his truck, and she didn’t understand that this time, he wasn’t going to Safeway or the Stop & Go. This time, he wouldn’t be back. I didn’t move until I couldn’t hear his engine anymore. Rob was gone. Gone, gone, gone. I’d accomplished exactly what I set out to, but I’d never felt worse in my life. The dog trotted back in the kitchen to paw my leg, and I slid out of my chair to sit on the floor with her. When she licked my face, I realized I was finally crying. Leaning forward, I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed into her fur. Surprisingly, she didn’t try to get away.
Half an hour later, I staggered to my feet. I needed to eat but I didn’t want anything. For fuck’s sake, I’d just driven the person I loved most out of my life. The fact that I had to live here without him, Jesus, what kind of cruel and unusual punishment was that? Everything felt bleak and hollow, and all I wanted to do was drink myself unconscious. I shouldn’t.