“Allo, allo.” A little boy answered the door and looked at us. “Bonjour.” He smiled widely at me and then at Lucky. He looked to be about seven and had a huge gap in his front teeth.
“Bonjour.” I smiled back at him with my heart in my mouth. “We, uh Nous visite Mrs. Beaumont.”
“Pardon?” He looked up at me with oblivious eyes. He had no idea that my whole world was about to change in about five minutes.
“Bonjour mon amie,” Lucky smiled at the little boy. “Ca va?”
“Bien.” He grinned.
“I didn’t know you spoke any French?” I looked at Lucky in surprise. Why hadn’t she helped in the taxi if she was fluent?
“That’s all I know.” She laughed and the three of us stood there at the door looking at each other.
“Jean-Pierre.” I heard a lady’s voice calling to the little boy.
“Oui mama.”
“Jean-Pierre.” The voice came closer to the door and as the lady opened the door, the little boy made a face and ran back inside. “Bonjour.” The lady stuck her head out the door and she had a contemplative look on her face.
As I stared into her blue eyes, I felt my heart still. She stared back at me, and her face paled. We looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity and I felt my brain asking a million questions that my mouth didn’t seem to want to say.
“Hi.” Lucky finally broke the silence. “Is Mrs. Beaumont here?”
“You.” The lady broke eye contact with me and looked at Lucky, her eyes shooting daggers.
“Mrs. Beaumont?” Lucky’s voice was hopeful and soft and I watched her talking to my mom in silence. I felt like I was in one of my dreams, only someone had frozen me in place.
“I’m afraid you’ve come to the wrong address.” Her voice was heavily accented. She sounded like a native French speaker. I was surprised at how easily her American accent had changed.
“Mom.” I looked at her and said the words awkwardly. They almost choked me, but a part of me felt somehow lighter at being able to say the words to her face.
“Sorry, I can’t help you.” Her face looked upset and she looked away from me. “You should go.”
“Mom, it’s me, Zane.” I spoke again, a little louder this time. “It’s me, your son, Zane Beaumont.”
“I don’t know who you are.” She clutched the door handle tightly, and I could see the palms of her hands turning red. “I have to ask you to leave.”
I stood there staring at her not really understanding what was going on. Why was she pretending she didn’t know me? I knew her face as well as I knew my own. I had dreamt of her almost every night for years; her eyes were ingrained in my mind.
“I just wanted to ask you a few questions.” I frowned. “I didn’t come for any money, and I won’t tell dad where you are. I just want to know why you left. Please.”
She looked up at me then and I could see tears in the corners of her eyes as she stared at me. She stepped forward and touched my face, staring at me in wonder. She then touched my arm and stepped back. “You’re a handsome boy.” She smiled. “But I’m sorry, I do not know who your mother is.”
“Mama, mama, viens ici.” The little boy ran back through the door and pulled on her top. He stood there holding onto her and stared up at me with a curious expression, as if to say, ‘oh you’re still here’.
“I have to go inside now.” She looked away from me. “Good luck with your search.”
“Wait.” My voice was firm. “I know you’re lying. I don’t want anything from you. I just want to understand.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to go. Au Revoir.” And with that, she turned away and quickly closed the door. I stared at her face as she closed the door and I saw a small tear rolling from her eyes. At that moment, I felt as if my world had ended. My heart felt empty and a deep chill filled my body. I saw Lucky looking at me with a worried expression, but I was unable to even look at her and give her a reassuring look.
I picked up a rock and squeezed it tightly, hoping I could crush it in my bare hands. When I realized I couldn’t, I threw it as far as I could and walked quickly away from the door.
My mind felt numb and I started running. I didn’t stop to think about where I was going or to worry if Lucky could keep up with me, I just ran. I ran so fast and so hard that I tripped over a bunch of rocks and scratched up my hands and arms. The scrapes burned me and I saw traces of blood on my palms, but I jumped up and kept running. I welcomed the pain, it helped to take my mind off of my mother’s rejection. A rejection that was worse than any I could have ever imagined. She had seen me, had me right there in front of her and denied me. There was never going to be any closure. I was never going to hear the words that she loved me and wanted to make it up to me. We were never going to bond. She was never going to be a grandmother to my children. She just didn’t care. She didn’t love me. It was as simple as that. She wasn’t in my life because she didn’t want to be. She just didn’t care. I was nothing to her. I meant nothing to her. My heart felt empty and I collapsed onto the ground by an old tree trunk. I lay back in the grass and stared at an ant that was walking along the ground. I watched it walking until it disappeared from sight and then I focused on another ant.
I sensed Lucky before I heard or saw her. I didn’t look up. I didn’t open my mouth to tell her I was okay. I just laid there watching the ant. I felt her sit next to me in the grass. She didn’t say a word to me and I was grateful that she didn’t try to tell me that it was all going to be okay. We lay in the grass in silence for what must have been 15 minutes before I picked a piece of grass and turned towards her. She was staring at me with bloodshot eyes and a worried expression. It hurt my heart that she had been crying for me. Even I wasn’t crying for me, but I didn’t know what to say.
“Have you ever eaten grass?” I passed her the blade of grass and picked another one. “You should try it.” I put a piece of grass in my mouth and chewed on it. “If you think about it, we eat a lot of grass anyway.”
“Because we eat steak.” She smiled at me as she spoke and I nodded. That’s why she’s perfect for you, a voice inside me said. She knows what you’re thinking. She’s already a part of you.
“Yeah, cows eat grass all day and we eat steak. I have to admit I prefer to eat the steak than the grass.”