“I’m not going to leave you, Zane.”
“But you don’t know that. You can’t guarantee it.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, this is something I’m trying to be rational about. It’s just hard.”
“Don’t freeze me out, Zane.” I took a deep breath. “I need to tell you something.”
“What?” His eyes narrowed and his body stilled. “What is it Lucky?”
“Noah found your mom.” I began and when I saw the confused, but excited expression in his eyes, I suddenly felt scared to tell him more. “I guess he was looking for her online. That’s what Sidney told me.”
“I wondered what the two of you were whispering about.”
“Noah gave him a file before he died and in the file was the contact information for your mom.” Zane’s expression was obstinate, but I could see the hope in his eyes and it killed me.
“I see. So what next?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what to say. Am I supposed to call her? Did Noah call her?”
“I, uh, I don’t know.” I bit my lip, unsure of how to tell him about my conversation with his mother without breaking his heart.
“I guess I’ll call her when we get back?” He shrugged to pretend that he didn’t care but I knew differently. “I’ll have to tell her Noah died.”
“The thing is… she’s in Paris,” I blurted out.
“What?” His head stilled. “She’s here?”
“Yes.” I took a big gulp. “I called her.”
“You told her we were coming here?” His voice was low and angry. “I don’t want to see her, Lucky.”
“I …” My voice choked up and I wasn’t sure how to finish my sentence. “I spoke to her and ….”
“She’s expecting to see me now, isn’t she? She thinks she can just come back in my life after everything that happened? She thinks that after 19 years I’m going to greet her back into my life with open arms. Or did she run out of money? Did she ask you if I have money?”
“No.” My voice was low.
“I can’t believe you told her I would go and see her.” Zane was fuming. “I’m done with her. I do not care about her. I do not care to see her. She left me, Lucky. She left me and never looked back.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears brimmed in my eyes at the anger in Zane’s voice. I wasn’t sad because he was shouting at me though. I was sad because I knew beyond a doubt that all he wanted was for his mom to have a good reason for leaving him. I didn’t correct his misapprehension of our conversation because I didn’t want him to know the truth. I’d rather he think she wanted to get back into his life than what had really been said.
“Lucky, I’m not mad at you.” He stepped back and picked up his wallet. “I’m just not in that place. I didn’t have a happy family like you. She left and she can’t expect to just come back into my life.”
“I understand.”
“What did she say?” His eyes looked at me intensely. “Anything important?” The words slipped out of his mouth casually, but I knew that what I said next would weigh on his heart and in his mind for the rest of his life. And so I did the only thing I thought I could do, I lied.
“She was upset.” I tried to avoid his eyes. “She said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do. And every day, she thinks about you and Noah, and wonders what sort of men you turned into.”
“I bet she wants to know if we ended up looking like her or our dad.”
“Yeah.”
“She was sad, huh?” Zane played with his fingers as he spoke and I started plaiting my hair.
“Yeah, she was really sad. I think she really regrets what she did.” And if she didn’t, she should, I thought to myself.
“That’s not enough.” Zane’s voice was gruff. “You don’t get your sons back because you realize you made a mistake.”
“Yeah. I think she’ll regret it for the rest of her life.”
“Well,” Zane turned off the TV. “She should. Are you ready?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and picked up my bag and we left the hotel room. My heart was heavy at the lies I had told, but I’d rather have a guilty conscience than have Zane have another broken heart.
Chapter 11
Zane
“What shall we do today, boys?” She sat at her vanity table and brushed her hair. “Do you want to go to the beach?”
“Yes, please.” I sat on the floor playing Legos with Noah.
“No, not the beach.” Noah made a face. “I want to go wrestling.”
“We can’t go wrestling.” I rolled my eyes and looked at her for approval. “Right?”
“Right, Zane, we can’t go wrestling, Noah. Just think about what your dad would say.”
I stuck my tongue out at Noah and jumped up. “Can I brush your hair?” I reached my hand out for the brush.
“Not today, Zane.” She shook her head. “You take too long.”
I stood behind her, awkwardly wanting to reach over and hug her, but I was too scared, so I walked away slowly.
“Come, Zane, it’s your turn.” Noah called out to me.
“I’m tired of playing Legos.” I made to leave the room.
“You’re just jealous because my army is beating your army.” Noah picked up his toy car and it came crashing down on the tower I had been building.
“What are you doing?” I cried out angrily. “You ruined it.”
“I told you to come.”
“He ruined it, he ruined it.” I shouted and stood there with my hands clenched.
“Noah, say sorry to your brother and Zane please quiet down. It’s not a big deal.” She continued brushing her hair and spoke without turning around.
“You’re such a baby, Zane.” Noah jumped up and grinned, sticking his tongue out, back at me.
“Sally, Noah just stuck his tongue out at me.”
“Zane did it first, Sally. He did it first.” Noah ran over to our nanny and hugged her. She lifted him into her lap and patted his head. Noah leaned his head into her shoulder and I walked out of the room upset and jealous as she held him close to her heart.
“Zane, wake up.” Lucky shook my shoulder and I opened my eyes slowly.
“Huh?” I looked up at her through sleep-filled eyes. “What happened?”