“You kept shouting, ‘I want a hug too, I want a hug too!’” She looked at me with worried eyes. “Is everything ok?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and sat up. My throat was dry and I cleared it. “It was just a dream.”
“About your mom again?” Her eyes were sad and she reached over to hold my hand. It felt light and soft next to mine and I squeezed it gratefully. I liked having her in the bed next to me. I didn’t know how I had gotten through the dreams without her by my side before.
“No, this dream was about one of my old nannies.” I shook my head. “Weird, I haven’t thought about Sally in years.”
“Was she nice to you?”
“She was our first nanny after my mom left. She stayed for a few years and then left when she got married to a guy who owned his own car dealership.”
“Were you close?”
“She was closer to Noah. I found it hard to reach out.”
“But you were only six when your mother left. You never tried to get close to anyone?”
“No, you’re the first person I’ve really let in. I guess you can say you’re special.” I gave her a weak smile and she sighed. “Though I suppose that makes me sounds like a bit of a loser. A 25-year-old man who never got over his mother leaving him.”
“That’s not something that many people can get over, Zane.”
“They’re not going to stop, are they?” I muttered without waiting for answer. “The dreams aren’t going to stop, are they?”
“Do you want them to stop?” Her voice sounded as sweet as an angel and I wanted to just be able to focus on that. I wanted to be consumed by her love for me and only her love for me. I wanted to banish the pain and hurt from my life. And the first step to getting rid of the pain would be to know why my mom had left.
“I want them to stop. I don’t want to be haunted by the past anymore. I want to focus on you. On us.” I pulled Lucky into my arms and held her close. “I want to be able to wake up and only think about your warm body against mine. I want my only worry to be how many times I can make love to you before I go to work.”
“Zane,” she giggled and I felt her kissing my shoulder.
“I want to call my mom.” I blurted out. “I’m going to call her and find out why.” I felt Lucky’s body still next to mine and I knew she must have been shocked at my change of heart. “You were right, Lucky, I need to talk to her to try and get closure. I can’t be scared or bitter anymore. I need to move past those emotions.”
“Are you sure, Zane?” Her voice was low and I could barely hear her. “Maybe she can’t give you the closure you need.”
“I just need some answers. I just want to understand why, and how she could leave us.”
“What if she asks about Noah?”
“Then she’ll have to know that her youngest son is dead.” My words were harsh and my stomach was full of nerves. As much as I knew that I didn’t want to see her and have that conversation, I knew that I needed to. I didn’t come all the way to France to find out she was here to leave. I knew Noah would have wanted to know, he would have wanted me to call. “I have to call for Noah.”
“No, Zane, you have to call for you. You have to call because it’s what you want and need.” Lucky pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. “You have to be honest with yourself, Zane.”
“Maybe she misses me.” I looked away from her as I uttered the words that I had never voiced before. In fact, I had never even allowed myself to think those thoughts. “Maybe we can make this right. Maybe she really does regret everything that happened. Maybe, and I don’t mean right away, but in a few months or even a few years, maybe we can even have a relationship again.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Lucky held me tight and I breathed in her scent.
“I’d like a mother who loves me. I’d like to know that she loves me. I’d like to understand why she left.”
“So then I guess you should call her.” Lucky sighed and I frowned. I had expected her to be happy for me, excited even.
“Is it too early to call her now?”
“It’s 5 a.m.,” Lucky whispered. “I’d say it’s definitely too early.”
“I’m nervous.” I laughed. “Man, I sound like a sissy.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I do,” I muttered. “Let’s go back to sleep.”
***
“No answer.” I tried the number one more time, disappointment coursing through my veins. “Maybe she moved?”
“Maybe.” Lucky looked down at her plate.
“Wait, you said you had her address right?” An idea popped into my mind. “Maybe we can go visit her?” The more I thought about it, the better the idea sounded. “I mean a phone call is all good and well, but what I really want is to look into her eyes and ask us how she could have left us.”
“Do you think that is a good idea, Zane?” Lucky chewed on her fingernails and looked worried. “What if she’s not here?”
“That’s a chance we would have to take.” I called the waiter over so I could get the bill. “La cuenta, por favor.”
“That’s Spanish, Zane.” Lucky giggled and I smiled at her vacantly. My mind was already thinking about what was going to happen when I saw my mom. It didn’t seem real and I wasn’t sure I was making the right decision. But I kept hearing Noah’s voice in the back of my mind asking me where I thought mom was and if mom missed us. I knew that I had to find out, if not for me, then for Noah.
“I’m ready, Zane.” Lucky grabbed my arm and I stood up. We walked to the corner and as the taxi pulled over, I realized that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to go, but I knew there likely wouldn’t be another opportunity like this coming up again.
“It’s a beautiful house.” Lucky stared at the garden in front of us. We were in the outskirts of Paris now and there was green grass all around us as opposed to buildings.
“With the money she took she should have a nice house.” I muttered, staring at the smallish farmhouse it front of us. It didn’t fit my image of my mother; I couldn’t see her in a farmhouse or on a farm.
“Zane, please.”
“I won’t bring it up.” I took a deep breath and walked up the pathway and to the front door. I could hear some noises from inside the house and I felt like I was going to throw up. This was it then, I was about to come face to face with my mother. Lucky stood next to me and slid her hand into mine. I looked down at her gratefully and gave her a quick smile. With my heart pounding, I lifted the knocker on the door and waited.