And thankfully my desperation paid off. My midterm grades had buoyed my spirits. Straight A’s. I was hoping to be on the Dean’s List again this semester. And I could almost hear my dad telling me how proud he was of me. I felt obsessed with the need to prove myself.
It was no longer just about me but about showing that my dad’s faith in me was founded. Part of me realized that I wasn’t handling my grief in a healthy way. That I was shoving it aside in favor of a dogged determination to succeed.
My social life was non-existent. Maysie was so immersed in all things Jordan and Generation Rejects that I rarely saw her. Gracie and I had developed a relationship built on wary mistrust. Our one time friendship deteriorating under the strain of her silent bitterness. Because she would never acknowledge how she felt about me. To everyone else, we appeared friendly. Two girls who got along.
But I felt the rift and it sucked. I didn’t know what to do about it. And the more time that passed, the larger the division between us became.
And with Gracie came Vivian, so there went fifty percent of my social interactions. So maybe it was more out of loneliness that I allowed Damien back into my world.
Whatever it was, he was there, like he had never left. I wish I could say it felt like finding something that I had been missing, but then I would be lying. It was more like stepping into a bath that was luke warm. Not really relaxing or comfortable, but it didn’t make you jump out and take a shower instead.
Crap, my metaphors were as bad as my reasoning.
“You coming to the Rejects’ gig tonight? It should be fun. This will be their last one before heading out on tour after Christmas,” Maysie asked me, deliberately ignoring Damien.
Damien squeezed in closer to me, at the mention of the band. Yep, he was still feeling very insecure about Garrett and it manifested rather noticeably whenever anything Generation Rejects related was mentioned.
I tried not to feel suffocated by the way he pressed against me. “Uh, I don’t think so. I’m off tonight and Damien and I were heading out to a poetry reading later,” I answered, trying to inch away from an overly clingy Damien.
Maysie caught my movement and eyed me knowingly. “Poetry reading? Come on, you can do boring shit any night. Jordan asked if you’d come,” Maysie needled.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” I said, getting to my feet. I headed into the kitchen, knowing Maysie was hot on my heels.
“Come on, Ri. I’m not sure what you’re playing at right now, but the Riley Walker I know wouldn’t even breathe the same air as Damien after everything he put you through. If this is about Garrett”
I held my hand up, interrupting that line of thought before it could go any further.
“Don’t go there. Just don’t,” I warned, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.
Maysie sighed. “Riley, don’t make the same mistakes that I did. I almost lost the most important thing in my life because I had unrealistic expectations about my life and what a relationship should look like,” Maysie warned, pulling a bag of popcorn from the cabinet and putting it in the microwave. I didn’t say anything. Mostly because I was too busy processing the fact that at some point in all of this mess I called a life, our roles had reversed. Maysie had, unbeknownst to me, become the no nonsense voice of reason and I had become the screwed up head case with a bad case of I-can’t-make-up-my-mind.
I started to chew on the skin around my thumb. “I know I’m being a hypocrite. I know I’m not making any sense, but…” I let my words trail off. No reason to cut myself open completely. This conversation had me feeling way too vulnerable and touchy. I hated that my world had turned upside down because of a guy.
Somehow, someway, Garrett Bellows had gotten inside me. He was like a parasite, slowly sucking me dry. Whether I ignored his existence or not, he was still there, embedded in my intestinal track, draining me of all good sense.
“He scares you,” Maysie piped up, grinning at me as she shoved a handful of popcorn into her mouth. She needed to keep that mouth full because I wasn’t appreciating her on the nose analysis of my internal conflict.
I made a noise that sounded like I was choking. “Scared? Give me a break, Mays. Annoyed? Yes. Frustrated? You betcha. Ready to take off someone’s head? Looking more and more like a definite,” I said in warning. “But never, ever scared,” I said with more conviction than I felt.
Maysie chuckled. “Oh yes he does. He gives you butterflies. He makes you sweat. He calls you on your bullshit and keeps you on your toes. You both love and hate how he does that. He has you tied up in knots and you can’t get out. And Miss I-Have-My-Whole-World-Figured-Out is going crazy because of it. So you’ve gone into shut down. You’re forcing Damien down your throat in an effort to deny what you know is there.” Maysie seemed entirely too pleased with herself.
I opened my mouth to say something but she cut me off…again! “I’m not saying this to be mean, but Riley, you’ve become your own worst enemy. I know you think Garrett has nothing to offer. That you’re embarrassed by the fact that you actually like him. But he’s a good guy. He’s a smart guy. And there is no one else in this world that would lay everything at your feet the way that he would. Remember that when you’re sitting at that poetry reading later, trying to convince yourself that being there with Damien is the right thing. Because Damien wasn’t the guy who drove you over a hundred miles in the middle of the night to see your dad. Damien wasn’t the guy who stayed with you at the hospital while you tried to keep your family together.”
My throat felt uncomfortably tight and I blinked rapidly to try and hold off the tears. I will not cry!
“And remember he’s the guy who has made you feel like you’re worth all the hassle. That no matter what you dish out, he is there to take it. To volley it right back and is there to go toe to toe anytime you’re ready.” Maysie squeezed my hands. “Damien wasn’t that guy for you. Garrett is,” she said softly and I closed my eyes and tried to take a deep breath around the huge, crushing weight in my chest.
“Enough, Maysie. Seriously, just enough already,” I begged. I didn’t want to hear any of this. I couldn’t.
Maysie looked disappointed by my refusal to hear her. “I just would like you there tonight. Jordan would like you there. Garrett would like you there. I know that matters to you, whether you want to admit it or not,” she said confidentially.