“We crept up your yard and hid behind one of your outbuildings. Dania, Stu, and I each took a firecracker and lit it and then we threw them toward your house. I realized instantly that we had made a horrible mistake. Stu’s had gone out once it hit the wet grass. Dania’s hit the side of your house and made a pop before it died. But mine…well mine rolled into the open window leading into your basement. I saw it go off and the next thing I knew flames and smoke were everywhere. There was a huge bang. I heard something explode in your house and then I was running. Dania and Stu were screaming at me to get the hell out of there. They kept going, through the woods, and back toward the road, where Stu had parked his car. But I couldn’t leave. I wanted to help you. I really did. But I didn’t know what to do. The fire was spreading so fast. And then the fire department and the police showed up so I hid in the trees.”
That night, six years ago, came flooding back, debilitating me. I remembered watching from the trees as I saw Flynn and his mother rush out into the yard. I had been so relieved that they had made it out and then the strangest thing had happened. I had become angry. Rage coursed through my body as I watched his house smolder and burn.
Because I had f**ked up. I had ruined my life. And for what? And for who?
It was because of Flynn. I had allowed my irrational emotions to be ruled by a boy who didn’t understand the devastation he had created just by caring about me.
And when the police found me hiding in the woods and questioned what I was doing there, my stupid mouth started running away from me before I could stop it.
After that, life as I knew it had been over.
All because I had something to prove. Because I wanted to forget how much I had cared about Flynn Hendrick.
So I had started hating him. It had been easier than remembering how much I loved him.
Because I had loved him. Even then.
“I was the one who set fire to your house and killed Marty. It was me, Flynn. I ruined your life. I ruined my life. It’s all my fault.” My chest was heaving up and down and I was having a hard time catching my breath. Now that the truth was out there I expected to feel better.
I didn’t.
Because Flynn wasn’t saying anything.
He continued to lay there, with his hand beneath his cheek, regarding me with steady, unreadable eyes.
I couldn’t look at him any more, so I got up out of bed and went to close the sliding door. I looked out at the beach where we had walked only hours before. I had ruined everything.
I was empty and lonely.
And still he said nothing.
His silence was worse than his anger.
I almost wished he’d flip out and throw things. I wanted him to call me names and yell.
That I could deal with. I knew how to handle those sorts of reactions.
But he was doing absolutely nothing!
And I had no idea what I should do.
My phone started ringing, startling me. I looked over at Flynn and he had finally sat up, his hair sticking up all over his head. He didn’t look distressed. He didn’t look angry. I couldn’t tell what the hell he was feeling.
I didn’t want to answer the phone. I wanted to figure out what was going on between us. That was my priority.
But the incessant ringing was jarring.
“Answer it,” Flynn said, pointing to where it lay on the desk.
Not wanting to make the situation worse by refusing, I picked it up and looked down, surprised to see Reggie’s number flashing across the screen.
“Hello?” I said after answering.
“Oh thank god you answered!” Reggie let out in a rush.
“What is it, Reggie?” I asked, not bothering to hide my annoyance. I glanced at Flynn and he was still watching me. He never stared at me this long before and to have him do it now, after everything I had just told him, was extremely disconcerting.
“Where are you?” she asked and I realized she sounded panicky.
“Um…in Virginia, remember?”
“Shit! Shit, goddamn it! You need to get back here now!”
I had never heard Reggie like this. Tiny pricks of unease filtered there way through the numbness.
“Just tell me what’s going on, Reggie,” I snapped.
“It’s Dania,” she said quietly.
My stomach dropped to the floor.
“What’s wrong with Dania?” I barked, fear setting in. We may have parted on bad terms, but Dania had been my best friend for ten years. And I cared about her. Whether I wanted to or not.
“She went into premature labor yesterday. She was with Stu, I guess and he brought her to the hospital. It was all good until she had the kid. And he wasn’t breathing. They had to do CPR or something. I don’t know, but it was bad.”
I ran my hand down my face in agitation. “Is the baby okay?” I asked, rubbing my temples.
“I don’t really know. After Dania had him, they took him away. And now they won’t let her see him. A bunch of people came in here today and spoke to her and now she’s freaking out. She keeps asking for you. She wouldn’t calm down and a nurse had to give her a tranquilizer to get her to stop yelling.”
Shit!
“It’s bad, Ells. Really, really bad. Stu says they won’t let her have her baby because of all the shit she did while she was pregnant. The drugs and the drinking. The kid was born with some sort of heart defect and can’t breathe on his own. That he was addicted to drugs or something. They aren’t sure he’ll pull through. And now these people won’t even let her go and see him. She’s losing it, Ells. You need to get back here now. She won’t see anyone but you.”
I looked over at Flynn and he still hadn’t moved. Murphy had woken up during my phone call and had jumped up on the bed, his head in Flynn’s lap. I hated not knowing what was going on between us. But I couldn’t deal with him right now. I needed to get to Dania. She needed me and I hadn’t been there.
Would the guilt ever end?
“I’ll get there as soon as I can. We’re almost six hours away. So it’ll be a while,” I said and I heard Reggie’s sigh of relief.
“Thank you! I just don’t know what to do. And Dania doesn’t even really like me. She won’t talk to Stu and he told her to f**k herself and left. Shane’s not answering his phone. So it’s just me here and you know I hate hospitals. I hate the smell and all the people running around. I can’t handle it. I need to get out of here,” Reggie whispered manically into the phone and I knew she was messed up. Dania didn’t need that.