“You think we belong together?” I asked weakly.
Flynn nodded, dropping his eyes to his fingers that were tunneling through the sand. If I wasn’t such a mess, I’d be thrilled by this huge step for him. He wasn’t recoiling. He was purposefully touching the beach beneath him.
“You make me feel good, Ellie. I make you laugh. We’re happy together. That’s all that matters.”
And he was right. That was all that mattered. We had each other.
I loved him. He had given me a life I never dreamed I could have. He had given me connection and belonging and acceptance.
He had become my world.
I leaned over and kissed his cheek and he ducked his head bashfully.
“Can we go back to the hotel now? I want to get a shower. I’ve had enough sand,” Flynn stated, getting to his feet, rubbing his hands on his pants as he tried to get rid of the grains sticking to his palms.
“Let’s go,” I said, getting to my feet.
As I walked behind him, letting him lead us back to the stairs where we had left our shoes I knew that I would follow Flynn Hendrick anywhere.
Flynn had gone straight to the bathroom after we returned to the hotel room. I heard the shower turn on and I knew he’d be in there for a while. Flynn was not a quick clean kind of guy.
I had wiped Murphy down with a towel and patted his bed so he wouldn’t jump up on ours. He listened obediently; curling into a ball and promptly began snoring his big, doggie snores.
I opened my tattered suitcase and pulled out a pair of pajama shorts and tank top. I needed to shower. I was feeling pretty gross from the sand and salt. But I had to wait until Flynn deemed himself clean enough to get out.
I thought about him naked and wet only a few feet away and I felt myself flush and my body began to buzz. It had been a long time since I had sex. It wasn’t something I had ever spent a lot of time thinking about.
But now, as I fell deeper and deeper in love with Flynn, I found that I thought about it…all the time.
What I wouldn’t give to open the door and climb into that shower behind him but I knew that was absolutely out of the question.
I looked over at the large bed that we would be sharing. We had slept in the same bed for weeks now and I had carefully kept a lid on my sexual desires. But it was becoming harder and harder to do that. Going slow had never been my strong suit. And I was starting to feel if I went any slower I’d be dead.
Sex had only ever been just sex. It had never meant anything. Sure when I was a kid I thought that by sleeping with Shane and a few other faceless guys that they would care about me. That I would matter.
Even when they had ultimately rejected me after getting what they wanted, my pride had been hurt more than anything else. Because I may have let them into my body but I had never let them into my heart.
But Flynn had dug down deep. I knew that if he ever rejected me, moving on wouldn’t be an option.
I wanted to give him my body. I wanted us to connect physically just as we had connected in every other way.
I needed it.
I craved it.
My mind started to go a million miles a minute, thinking about Flynn touching me. Taking off my clothes. Kissing every part of me.
By the time he came out from his shower, steam billowing into the room, dressed in his flannel sleep pants and usual T-shirt, I practically pushed passed him to get into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
I turned on the shower a little cooler than was comfortable. I needed to calm down before I lost all sense of reason. Attraction and lust were powerful emotions. But love trumped them all. It was impossible to turn your back on that.
It claimed you.
My teeth were chattering by the time I got out of the shower, my skin pruning. But it worked. I wasn’t a raging ball of crazy physical desire anymore. And that was almost depressing.
When I came out of the bathroom, I found Flynn sitting on the bed, looking out at the sea. I had opened the window earlier so we could hear the pounding surf and for once he hadn’t complained.
The waves matching the rhythm of my heart as I looked at the man who had come to be my everything.
I sat down beside him, brushing my side against his. He tensed for a moment but then relaxed.
We were quiet for a long time, which had quickly become our norm.
Flynn fiddled with the drawstring of his pants, his dark head bowed. I wish I knew what he was thinking about. But my mind reading skills sucked.
But I wouldn’t have to wait long to hear what was troubling him.
“I’ve never,” he said softly, his shoulders tense. I blinked in surprise by his strange statement.
“You’ve never what?” I asked him.
“Had sex,” he said shortly, his voice, typically so flat and unemotional held a depth of feeling that made me dizzy.
Clearly we were on the same page and I hadn’t realized it. I had thought I was alone with my overwhelming urges but obviously Flynn had been thinking about it as much as I had.
It wasn’t a shock that he was a virgin. Hell, he hadn’t kissed anyone until a few months ago. But I was scared to be his first. That was a huge responsibility. What if I wasn’t gentle enough? What if he hated it? What if I messed up so badly he never wanted to have sex again?
Oh god, that was a horrible thought.
And that was a lot of pressure for a girl like me to handle. Staring down at his downturned head, I knew he wanted this experience with me. We were sharing so many firsts together. First walk in the sand, first kiss, first love.
This was just one more first to add to the ever growing list.
I wanted to touch him. I wanted to take his hand and make this awkwardness go away. I wanted to make this easier for him. For me too. Because I was a nervous wreck.
I cleared my throat, my mouth dry. “It’s okay,” I began, not wanting to push him, but Flynn cut me off.
“I don’t know what I’m doing. I won’t be good. You’ll hate it,” he muttered and I watched in disappointment as he started to rub his hands together.
He was upset. He was close to hitting or throwing something. The tension rolled off him in waves like the ones crashing on the beach.
“Stop it,” I said a little more tersely than I meant to. I reached out and stopped myself before grabbing a hold of his hands.
His obvious discomfort was exacerbating my own nerves.
I wasn’t the virgin in the room. So why was I the one shaking like a girl on prom night?
Because Flynn made me feel innocent and untouched. Because being with him for the first time would make me forget that there was anyone else before him.