Because there it was. My old friend…guilt and shame.
Flynn loved me. But would he still love me if I told him the truth? Would he still want to touch me once I was honest with him about what I had done all those years ago?
I felt sick and my head ached.
I had to tell him.
I couldn’t let another day pass without him knowing.
He deserved to know who it was he was giving his heart to.
I lay there in bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to Flynn’s soft breathing and feeling like the world’s biggest ass**le. What kind of person kept such a huge secret from the person they claimed to love?
Selfish coward party of one!
Flynn made a noise and rolled over. His eyes fluttered open and I could see him peering at me in the dark.
“Why are you still awake?” he asked, his voice rough from sleep.
“I’m not tired,” I lied. Because I was exhausted. It felt it deep in my bones. But it wasn’t a tiredness rest could cure.
Flynn folded his hand underneath his face and continued to look at me. For once I didn’t like his attention. Not when I was feeling so shitty about myself.
The truth was sitting dangerously on the tip of my tongue, demanding that I let it out. Before I let this go any further, I had to come clean.
I couldn’t let him continue to love a person he didn’t really know.
“I need to tell you something,” I said.
Flynn yawned. “What is it?” he asked innocently.
I took a deep breath and rolled onto my side to face him. The only light came from the street lamp outside the hotel. It filtered into our room, illuminating the bed. I folded my hand beneath my face, mirroring his position. We weren’t touching and as much as I wanted to reach out for him, I couldn’t.
“We never talk much about the way things were between us in high school,” I began.
Flynn shook his head. “I don’t like talking about that,” he interrupted.
“I know you don’t,” I whispered. “But we need to,” I insisted.
“Why?” he asked, sounding angry. And I didn’t blame him. Who wanted to talk about a past that hurt so badly? Who wanted to relive a shared history that we had worked so hard to put behind us?
“Because there are some things you need to know,” I said, swallowing thickly.
Flynn was quiet. He didn’t ask any questions but he didn’t shut me down either. It gave me the chance to get myself together and think about how I was going to approach this. It would have to be like ripping off a Band-Aid. Quickly and painfully.
“After your birthday, when Stu and Dania were so mean to you, I felt horrible. But I was sick and tired of feeling horrible. You made me feel all this stuff. I felt guilty. I had never cared what other people thought of me. Not until you,” I began, my voice already wavering.
Get through this, Ellie. I told myself.
“If you felt horrible, why did you make fun of me? You were worse than the others. Because you were supposed to be my friend.” His words weren’t an accusation, just honest.
“I know. I think I was worse because I cared more, if that makes any sense,” I tried to explain.
Flynn started chewing on his bottom lip. I knew talking about this had the potential to set him off. I was taking a huge risk. For both of us.
Was it selfish of me to need to cleanse my guilt at the expense of Flynn’s happiness? Confessions could be catastrophic. And I had no doubt mine would do just that.
“It doesn’t make any sense. If you were my friend, you wouldn’t have called me names. You wouldn’t have laughed when Dania and Stu hit me and teased me. If you liked me, you should have stuck up for me. That’s what people who care do.”
His black and white description hurt. But only because it was the truth. And I hated that he believed I hadn’t cared for him at all. I wish I could make him see how much I truly did care, even if it hadn’t looked like it. I had been a screwed up girl back then. I was still screwed up. I was just better able to analyze myself than I had been when I was younger. And I wasn’t explaining myself very well at all.
“We were friends, Flynn. I was just weak. And I thought it was easier to go along with Dania and Stu and Shane then to stand up to them. I didn’t want them to think I was a loser.”
“And you would have been a loser if you were friends with me,” Flynn stated and I winced.
“No, I was the loser, Flynn. I was the stupid one. Not you. You were my friend and I treated you like garbage.” My self-loathing dripped out of me. I couldn’t contain it.
I took another deep breath and carried on before I lost my nerve. “And I was mad all the time. I was mad at myself for treating you like that and then I’d get mad at you because you made me care about being mean to you in the first place. I stupidly thought it would be easier if I could turn off my feelings and forget you ever existed. Dania and Stu were getting suspicious of our relationship. They were teasing me all the time. They told everyone I was a freak lover. People were laughing at me. No one would talk to me. And it was only getting worse. And that made me even angrier. At you. Because in my mind, none of it would have happened if you hadn’t moved to Wellsburg. If I hadn’t been drawn to you. In my head, it was all your fault.”
I chanced a look at Flynn and I couldn’t see him very well in the inky blackness. Only his nose and chin were visible in the streetlight. He wasn’t moving. I could barely tell if he was breathing.
I wanted to touch him so bad. I wanted to hold him and make this horrible confession easier for me to stomach.
But I didn’t deserve easier. I deserved for it to be painful and difficult and for it to scrape me raw.
“And I knew the only way to get rid of you, to get rid of these feelings I had for you, was to treat you like everyone else did. I wanted to show Dania and Stu and the rest of them that I didn’t care about you. I wanted to convince myself that you didn’t matter. So I told Stu and Dania to come with me one night out to your house.”
I felt my nausea rise in my throat. I thought I was going to be sick.
“We had been drinking and Stu brought a box of fireworks. I suggested we light a couple and throw them into your yard. I wanted to scare you. Because you hate loud noises.”
Flynn had to know where this was going. I wish he would say something. But he remained resolutely quiet. Not giving any indication that he was even hearing me. But I could see that he was still awake and he was still watching me.
So I kept going.