My stomach flipped over as I held it. I remember when I had, on a whim, applied to a few schools. I had been high on the changes in my life and thought why not? I had Flynn in my corner telling me to do it. I had my professor saying I had a gift. Hope had been new and exciting.
But that had been before real life stuff stomped all over my smiley, happy hope with huge shit kickers.
I didn’t expect an acceptance. The several others I had already received were what I had anticipated. Rejection. I was all too familiar with it.
But this one felt different.
There was some weight to it.
Did I dare to believe again?
Or was it time to finally let my dreams go?
Fate obviously had other plans.
With trembling fingers, I tore open the letter. The envelope fell to the floor and I didn’t even bother to pick it up. It was a packet of information. A glossy brochure showing pretty manicured lawns and impressive brick buildings stared back at me. I pulled the letter with my name to the top of the pile, my eyes skimming its contents.
Congratulations! It is my pleasure to inform you…
What?
I blinked several times, almost certain my eyes were playing tricks on me and I read it again. The words didn’t change.
I had been accepted to the College of Baltimore. In Maryland. Over three hundred miles away.
I could barely breathe.
It seemed almost cruel to hand me something like this at a time when it felt that it was impossible to take.
I shoved the packet of information back into the pile of mail and closed the door to my post office box. I walked back across the street, feeling both heavy and light at the same time.
I walked into the apartment surprised to find Dania up and making herself something to eat.
“Hey, you!” Dania called out with more energy than I had heard from her in months.
“Hey,” I called back, walking into the kitchen.
“What are you doing?” I asked, curious about what she was stirring around in the pot on the stove.
“I’m making soup. I was hungry and I figured I’d make enough for both of us. Want some?” she asked, smiling.
“Uh, sure,” I replied, wondering what was going on. Dania had barely gotten out of her pajamas in ages and now she was standing in my kitchen making freaking soup.
Dania ladled some into a bowl and handed it to me. I held it like it was a ticking time bomb. Thoughtful Dania made me nervous.
We took our soup into the living room and sat down on the couch.
“I saw Brandon yesterday,” she said, her face guarded but her eyes gave everything away. I saw a peaceful contentment there I had never seen from her before.
“You did?” I asked, shocked. I had been at school and then worked most of the evening. When I had finally gotten home, Dania had already been in bed. But she hadn’t mentioned a thing all week about going to see him. I had long since grown convinced that she had no plans to ever see her son. The service plan paperwork still sat in its envelope on the counter, unopened.
Dania nodded. “He’s going to be released from the NICU tomorrow. I’ve been talking to Randa, his foster care worker, and she had suggested I go to see him. I didn’t want to at first. But she convinced me it would be good for me. She picked me up yesterday morning and took me to Barkley.”
“How was he?” I asked, hardly able to believe what I was hearing.
“He was tiny and perfect and absolutely beautiful,” she said softly.
“Does this mean you’ll do the stuff in your service plan? That you’re going to work to get him back?” I asked.
Dania put her bowl down on the coffee table and brought her legs up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.
“No, I’m not,” she said.
I put my bowl down beside hers and stared at her blankly, not understanding.
“What are you saying?” I asked her.
Dania’s silent tears began to fall, soaking into the knees of her jeans. Her face was scrubbed clean and I realized it had been a long time since I had seen her with make up. She no longer dressed like she was headed to work on a street corner. She had gotten rid of her short skirts and slutty halter-tops in exchange for sweat pants and T-shirts. She looked a lot younger, but her eyes gave her away. They held a pain and awareness that looked a lot like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
“I’m not cut out to be a mother. Look what I’ve already done to him,” she said sadly.
“But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn, Dania. That’s what the service plan is for. To help you become the mother he needs you to be,” I argued.
Dania shook her head, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. “It’s not fair to Brandon, Ells. I don’t know that I’ll ever be the sort of mother that he deserves. He needs someone who will put him first, always. I can’t do that. You know I’m not capable of being someone’s mother. Fuck, I can barely take care of myself,” she snapped.
“But you could…” I started but she lifted her hand, silencing me.
“I know what you’re doing, Ellie, and while I appreciate it, it’s unnecessary. You’re a good friend. A better friend than I’ve ever been to you. After everything I’ve done, here you are, letting me invade your life and your space after I said all of that horrible stuff to you. Stuff that I didn’t really mean. It was mostly my own insecure bull crap. I’ve always been jealous of you, Ells. I always knew you were better than this. But I was too scared to lose you. I wanted you to be just as stuck and miserable as I was. Like I said, I’m a shitty friend. Always have been.”
Well, I wasn’t going to argue with her. She had been a shitty friend. Her confession didn’t surprise me, but the fact that she had given it did. And I couldn’t forget about the things she had done for me.
“Yeah, you’ve been pretty bitchy, but you were also the only person to see me in juvie. You helped me get on my feet when I got out. You were there, Dania. Don’t forget about that,” I told her.
Dania sighed and unfolded her legs. “The point is I’m incapable of really loving anyone. Hell, I don’t even love myself. So what chance does that baby have with a mother like me?”
“So what are you going to do?” I asked her.
“I’m signing over my parental rights. Since I don’t know who his father is, it’s only me that stands in the way of Brandon having a really good home. A better one than you or I ever had. After seeing him, it became real. I couldn’t shove my head in the sand anymore and hope it would all go away. And I couldn’t stomach the thought of him going into the system and ending like me. Or worse, eventually coming to live with me and I wouldn’t be able to handle it. What if I left him the way my mom left me? I can’t do that to him! Randa says they will be able to find him a good home. That he will be with parents who love him and want him.” Dania sniffled and wiped her nose.