“You’re not upset about what I told you? You don’t hate me for telling you what I did?” I asked, still trying to keep my voice down. We were getting a lot of attention. It seemed that suddenly, JAC’s was the busiest it had been in weeks. People weren’t even trying to hide the fact that they were staring.
“I’m upset, Ellie! Because you won’t talk to me! Because you always hurt me! You make it so hard to love you!” he yelled and I flinched.
I felt like I should just tattoo I’m sorry on my forehead with the amount of times I said it. I was tired and exhausted and had no real excuse for avoiding him. Except that my guilt and self-loathing had made a nasty reappearance.
“Flynn…” I began but his hand shot out and knocked over the stand of lottery ticket. It fell to the floor with a smash. Everyone was now staring openly.
“Just leave me alone!” he screamed and practically ran from the store.
I looked at the people gawking and then to Flynn’s quickly retreating form as he rushed down the sidewalk, away from me.
I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream like I wanted to. Instead I calmly came out from behind the counter and slowly picked up the knocked over lottery tickets. The familiar numbness spreading and taking over. Soft and cuddly Ellie began her steady retreat behind impenetrable walls.
Flynn wanted me to leave him alone. And even as I vowed to do just that, his words still pierced the newly formed ice around my heart.
31
-Flynn-
Many years ago…
I went back to school. Mom said I had to finish the year out and then we would move away. That I would never have to live in Wellsburg again.
But Wellsburg was my home.
I liked it.
It’s where Ellie was.
Or where she used to be.
But I never saw her again.
She stopped coming to school.
I heard people saying that she went to jail. I didn’t understand why she would go to jail.
Jail was for bad people. Ellie was mean sometimes, but she wasn’t bad.
People were looking at me a lot now. More than they used to. I knew they were talking about me as well.
It made me angry and anxious. I didn’t like people looking at me. Or talking about me.
Stu and Dania were still calling me names. They had gotten worse. They said it was all my fault. I didn’t know what they were talking about.
I wanted to ask them where Ellie was but they scared me. I didn’t want to talk to them.
Mom and I were living in an apartment until we could move. I asked her if they ever caught who set fire to our house and killed Marty. She said yes. That they had gotten into a lot of trouble.
I asked who it was. Mom said I didn’t know them. She wouldn’t look at me when she said that. It made me nervous.
I couldn’t sleep in the new apartment. I hated the small rooms and the kitchen smelled weird. I wanted to go back to the house in the woods. I wanted to live there again.
Mom said we wouldn’t live there anymore. That made me angry. But I didn’t throw things. I slammed the door to my room and screamed into a pillow. But it didn’t make me feel better.
Everyone was talking at school. I heard people saying Ellie’s name. Then they’d look at me. They were always looking at me.
Two girls were talking in English class about the fire at my house. It made me sad to think about it. To think about Marty who had died. One of the girls said that Ellie had gone to jail because she had burned my house down.
And I had yelled at them and said that wasn’t true. They didn’t laugh at me when I yelled but they moved to other seats.
I ran out of the class. I had never been so mad before. Those girls said Ellie burned my house down.
Did she?
I went to the bathroom and started to scream. I couldn’t stop.
The principal came and called my mom.
She came and got me and took me home. I was so upset. I asked her if Ellie burned down our house. She didn’t say anything.
Ellie burned my house down.
My dog had died in the fire.
I hurt inside. It felt like I had eaten glass. I felt pain and knew it was because of Ellie.
I felt really, really bad.
Why would she burn down my house?
I wanted to talk to her but she had gone to jail for kids. She had gotten into trouble. A girl named Reggie told me that Ellie had been sent away. She had spit on me and told me it was my fault.
But I didn’t want Ellie to be sent away. I didn’t like thinking about her in jail. I wondered if she was feeling bad too?
I wanted to see Ellie.
But I never did.
And then we moved.
But I always thought about her.
And after a while it stopped hurting when I remembered.
32
-Ellie-
And the months kept passing…
Days, weeks, months marched along, oblivious to my desperate desire to stop them.
I felt like I was living my life on an endless loop.
Hope, happiness, possibility…it was all gone.
Vanished like a popped bubble. Lost when Flynn yelled at me to leave him alone.
But even the numbness only lasted so long and then that too disappeared and I was left with something so much worse.
Regret.
Winter faded into spring and the world kept moving on. So why was I stuck in the past?
I slipped the tiny sand castle Flynn had given me into my pocket as I got ready that morning. I never left the house without it. I tried so hard to pretend that losing him hadn’t ruined me…but that one simple act called me a liar.
There was no coming back from loving Flynn Hendrick.
Ever.
I was supposed to be attending a study group in a few hours. I was trying to prep for my end of the semester essay.
As the rest of my life fell back into stasis, school continued to be my only escape. For the longest time after Flynn and I parted ways and Dania had moved in, I thought I had lost my enthusiasm for it.
But I had been wrong. Some things had changed within me that couldn’t be undone.
My illogical (and impossible) dream of becoming something better was one of them.
My love for Flynn was the other.
Neither had abandoned me even when, in the depths of my self-destruction, I had hoped they would.
The post office was empty when I walked in. I headed to my tiny box back in the farthest corner. I opened it and pulled out the pile of magazines and useless junk mail. This would teach me to check it with a lot more regularity.
I stood there, sorting through everything. Most of it ended up in the trash. There were a few items for Dania that I tucked into my bag.
I picked up the last piece of mail and frowned at the return address.
It was from the College of Baltimore.