He had thrown the notebook I had taken a beating for into the stream and then he had run away. What he didn’t know was I had fished it out of the stream and taken it home, laying it across the radiator to dry.
After that I used it as a journal. It was the only thing I took with me to juvie.
I looked over at Flynn and knew how badly I had hurt him. I had hated myself for the way I treated him, even then. I had destroyed our friendship for what?
Because I didn’t want to admit how much I cared for the school freak?
Because I couldn’t trust my emotions around him? Because being numb was easier than feeling anything at all. Feelings brought pain and I had had enough pain for one lifetime.
Or was it because I was young and stupid and destined to push everyone away?
Every reason sucked because it had been a coward’s way out.
That had been a turning point for me. And not in a positive way. I had walked home from stomping on Flynn’s heart with a new layer of ice encasing me. I had hardened myself. Shut off and shut down. And that’s the way I had stayed until a few months ago when Flynn walked into JAC’s and back into my life.
And he had gotten another Aqua Teen Hunger Force notebook. I knew exactly what he was trying to tell me by revealing that.
Flynn couldn’t tell me he loved me. He couldn’t put into words the way he felt. But saying things like that told me everything I needed to know. That he cared about me. That he valued me. He valued us.
“I’d love to see it,” I said, my voice catching.
We were quiet for a long time after that, listening to the endless loop of The Cure’s Wish album. The two of us lost in memories that were too painful to share.
“Are you hungry?” Flynn asked a little while later. I noticed we were getting close to our first stop and Murphy was beginning to get antsy in the back seat.
“I could eat,” I said just as my stomach growled.
Flynn gave me a shy and gentle smile. “That was funny,” he said, his eyes twinkling.
We laughed together. Mine low and raspy. Flynn’s stilted and harsh. Sounds that didn’t seem to fit but somehow merged in a perfect fluidity.
Flynn pulled into the rest stop. It was relatively empty. I got out of the car and retrieved Murphy’s leash from the glove compartment. Flynn popped the trunk and pulled out a small cooler he had packed before we left.
We walked over to a picnic table situated in the middle of a small clump of trees. It was chilly and brusque but the air was refreshing.
“I’ll walk Murphy, you set out lunch,” I suggested. Flynn nodded and I wandered away with his dog, letting him do his business.
When Murphy was finished I walked back over to the table to find a sandwich, a bag of chips and a soda. I tied Murphy up to the leg of the bench and sat down.
“Thanks,” I said, picking up my sandwich and taking a bite. It was turkey and bacon, my favorite.
“You remembered,” I said.
“I remember everything about you. Even the stuff I wish I could forget,” he said simply and that popped my happy bubble with the weight of an age-old guilt. This time his honesty only served to remind me of the thousand ways I had failed him.
We sat in silence while we ate. When we were finished, Flynn made sure he collected every piece of trash and disposed of it. There was no time to sit and relax; it was back to the car. Flynn’s allotted time for lunch was over and we needed to get back on the road.
“How long do you plan to stay in Wellsburg?” I asked Flynn a little while later when I couldn’t handle the sounds of The Cure any longer.
“It’s my home. I hadn’t planned on leaving,” Flynn said, surprising me.
“You want to stay there? Why? Wellsburg sucks! There has to be a million other places you’d rather be!” I was horrified by his answer. Now that I was making tangible plans for the future, my biggest goal was to get away from my hometown before it sucked me dry.
With Flynn’s encouragement, I had started to dream about going to school. Of building a life far, far away.
But how could I do that if Flynn stayed? How could I leave him now that we had found each other again?
And more importantly how could I entertain the idea of a forever with this man if our goals and dreams took us in totally different directions?
“But what if I leave?” I asked quietly, hating how sad and vulnerable I sounded but knowing he’d never make me feel bad about it. He’d never use it against me.
“Then you’d leave. And I’d be there when you felt like coming back,” Flynn said flatly. Reading him was difficult at the best of times and especially now when I wanted so desperately to understand what he was thinking.
I tried not to get angry by his blasé attitude. I fought the bitterness that pushed me to lash out. How could he be so comfortable with the idea of us being apart? How could he let me leave with no thought of fighting?
Because Flynn wasn’t the type to fight. Not in the way I’d expect him to.
But that’s not to say he wouldn’t fight for me in the only way he could. With support and quiet understanding and complete and total reassurance.
I just couldn’t help but feel like there was an expiration date on our relationship and that made me furious.
“That’s it?” I asked a little louder than was warranted for the close quarters.
“What do you mean? I don’t understand?” Flynn asked, sounding confused.
“So you’re okay with me leaving? For me to live my life without you?” I demanded.
Flynn gripped the steering wheel tightly. I saw him start to work on his bottom lip with his teeth.
“No. I don’t want you to leave me. But you hate Wellsburg. You want to go to college. I’ve already been to college. I can’t go with you. That should make you happy. Not angry. Why are you angry?” He was trying to work out why I was so upset. And in turn, I was upsetting him.
“I’m angry because I want you to come with me! I want you to be there if I decide to do this! I don’t want to leave you behind, Flynn!”
Flynn didn’t say anything in response to my outburst. The silence stretched between us. I had hoped he’d see how much I cared about him. How much I wanted to share my life with him. How I had planned for a future that included him in every possible way.
It seemed I had only succeeded in freaking him out. He was rubbing his hands on the steering wheel. He was gnawing on his lip to the point he was drawing blood.
“Flynn” I began but he cut me off.