“Thanks for that,” I said, nodding toward the giggling girls who now only had eyes for Preston.
He shrugged and grinned. “Not a problem. I’m glad these good looks are good for something.” He winked and took a sip of his Coke.
I relaxed and took a drink too. I had so much to take in today. Our two had become three, and I needed to get ready for a baby in the house. And then there was the fact I was apparently well known by complete strangers. I let my mind go to Jax’s new song, and my heart raced when I thought about it. I had watched him writing out at the gazebo as I worked in the gardens the last few weeks we were together. Back then, I had never dreamed what he was working on was about me. If it was about me, what did it say? Were the words going to rip into me and bring the dark blanket back? Would Marcus have to come back into my room and force me out of my pain? I needed to know what the words said. I needed to know if he spoke of what we had, with joy or sorrow. Did he find light in our memories, or were they fading for him?
I ordered my burger, and we ate with only simple small talk. Marcus and Preston talked about Rock’s upcoming wedding, and then football. Finally, once I knew I was strong enough to hear the answer, I asked Marcus, “Will the words hurt me?” I knew he was going to know what I was talking about.
Marcus smiled sadly and shook his head. “I don’t think so, Sadie, but that depends on what hurts you. He describes you and how he feels about you. If that is going to be painful, then yes.”
I swallowed to keep my throat from closing up.
Preston cleared his throat, “What are you talking about?”
Marcus squeezed my hand. “Jax’s new number one.”
Preston’s eyes widened, and he gawked at me, and then back at Marcus, “That’s about Sadie?”
Marcus raised his eyebrows as if to dare him to say more. “Yes, it is.” He threw his words out like a challenge.
“Hell, no wonder people want her autograph,” he mumbled and took a bite of his sandwich.
I had to hear that song. “Preston, I want to go out to your Jeep and listen to the radio. Do you mind?”
He shook his head. “Nah, the keys are in it.”
Marcus stood and let me out. I started to walk toward the door, and he grabbed my hand. I turned back to him.
“Are you going to be okay by yourself?” he asked in a hushed tone.
“I need to do this alone,” I assured him, and he let me go.
I sat and flipped through a few channels until I found one that I knew would most likely play it often, and I waited. I didn’t have to wait long. The moment the guitar began, I knew whose song it was. I had heard those exact chords being played outside while I worked in the garden. Even if this song wasn’t for me, he had written it when he had been with me. When he was mine. Because of that, it was special to me. And then his voice joined the music, and I got lost.
“Your eyes hold the key to my soul. Your hands heal all my pain, and you’re everything that makes this boy whole. When you breathe, it sends warmth through my veins. When you laugh, my body goes insane. You’re all I need to survive. Your body is what makes me feel alive.
“Don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heart is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead, I’m everything that’s wrong. No, no, don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heart is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead I’m everything that’s wrong.
“The day you walked into my life. I knew it was no sacrifice to let you in. I wanted nothing more than to win your heart. And once I had it, my poison ruined everything. So now all I can do is stand here alone with my guitar and sing.
“Don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here when your heat is broken. How I long to be all you need. But instead I’m everything that’s wrong. No, no, don’t cry. I’m not that strong. I can’t stand here, when your heart is broken How I long to be all you need. But instead, I’m everything that’s wrong.”
“And that, my friends, is Jax Stone’s new chart-topping ‘Don’t Cry.’” The D.J.’s voice droned on, and I reached and turned off the radio.
It did hurt. The pain was there. But his voice had been like a balm to my wounds. I had something now that would help ease the hurt. It wouldn’t make it go away, of course, but hearing his voice was enough to ease the pain if only for a short time. I could make it from day to day if I could just hear his voice. If I could just hear my song.
* * *
Chapter Eighteen
Sam didn’t sleep at night. He slept wonderfully during the day while I worked, but in the evenings he stayed awake. Jessica seemed to be in some sort of depression, and when I came in the door, she handed me Sam and went in her room and cried. Ms. Mary said this was normal. Jessica suffered from the “Baby Blues,” so I didn’t worry about it, too much, except I wasn’t getting any sleep. Jessica slept all night, and if I tried to wake her, she burst into tears. When she cried, Sam cried, so I just left her alone. He and I bonded during this time. I talked to him about everything I couldn’t say to anyone else. I told him about life with Jessica and how he would love her, but not to ever expect a normal mom. I assured him that he’d be fine, because I would always be there if he needed me. I told him about Jax. I emptied my soul to a newborn baby, but it made it easier to breathe freely again when I talked about him. Sam cooed and smiled and kicked. He liked for me to talk, so I did. I made him happy, and it helped me cope.
No matter how special these times in the wee hours of the morning were, it still wore on me. I fought the urge to crawl up in a corner at work and sleep. Some nights Sam slept two hours at a time, if I would put him beside my bed. Those nights I always functioned better having had at least five hours sleep. Jessica and I didn’t talk much. When I came home, she went in her room to cry and listen to 80s music. I always took Sam to her before I left each morning, fed with a clean diaper and clothes on for the day. I called her from work and reminded her about feeding time because she just didn’t seem to have it together. I was starting to get nervous about leaving him at home with her, but I reminded myself she was the mom, not me.
School started back. Marcus had left two weeks before, and I stood in the yard and waved as he drove away. At first, I panicked because I worried about what would happen if I found myself back in the dark blanket. But then I remembered Sam, and Jessica’s unstable behavior, and I knew that scenario could not happen. I had someone to take care of now. I couldn’t lose it again. My life no longer belonged to me. Sometimes, it seemed like my time with Jax happened in another lifetime. But then the memories of his smile and his laugh reminded me of how close we had been to happiness. I sighed and grabbed my book bag and gazed down at Sam, sound asleep. I left my door open and left him in the bassinet by my bed. I opened Jessica’s door, and she turned and stared at me with red swollen eyes.