“Sadie,” he whispered, as if his words might be too much for me. “I need you to eat for me.” He continued and shifted me so I sat beside him.
I frowned at him, confused. Why was he talking about food?
“Sadie, listen to me. You have been in here for three days without food or drink. You have to eat, sweetheart, or I'm going to have to take you to the hospital.”
There they went again, threatening me. I shook my head. I didn’t want food. Marcus held my face in his hands as if I were fragile and might break at any moment.
“Sadie, do you want to get better?”
Even in the darkness, I knew I didn’t want to get worse. I did want to get better. I wanted to have a reason to smile.
“I know you do. Now, I have some water and bread, and I am going to sit right here with you, and I want you to eat for me, okay.” He held the glass of water up to my mouth, and I obediently drank. It wasn’t going to make me better. I knew water wasn’t the answer to the pain, but I drank it anyway. I wanted to take the scared look out of his eyes.
“Good girl,” he said softly, and he broke a piece of bread and held it up to my mouth. “Now, take a bite for me.”
I did, and he broke into a grin. Seeing him smile reminded me that I might never smile again.
“That’s good. Now, take another drink.”
I did, and he seemed thrilled. So, I ate more as he offered it and drank from the cup in his hands. When I had finished what he brought, he grinned like he had won some kind of medal.
“You did wonderful. Now, why don’t we get you cleaned up, and we can go down to the beach and watch the waves.”
I realized I wanted to get out of this room with the darkness. Maybe I could find another way to deal with the pain. The ocean was always soothing. I liked the ocean. I nodded, and he stood and pulled me up. My legs wobbled, and I held on to his arms for support.
“That’s my girl. Now, hold on to me.”
I walked with him into the hall and Jessica was standing there with relief in her eyes.
“Did she eat?” she asked Marcus, and he nodded. “Oh, baby, that’s wonderful. Now, let’s get you all washed up.”
She took my hand, and I stiffened. Some sort of pain tried to break through.
“Uh, maybe I had better get her in there first, and we will see how it goes from there.”
Jessica nodded and stepped back. Marcus walked me into the bathroom and stood me in front of the mirror. The pale girl with dark circles under her eyes that stared back at me scared me. I shivered.
“Now, you see why you need to go out with me. You need fresh air, and the sea breeze is the best thing for you. But, first, you have got to let me wait outside the door and let your mom in here to help you. You’re weak from no food, and you’re dehydrated.”
I wanted to be me again. I didn’t like the stranger in the mirror. I nodded, and then he let me go, and Jessica came into the tiny little room. I let her help me shower and fix my hair. Once we finished, the face in the mirror appeared less scary, but it still wasn’t me.
The fresh salt air smelled wonderful. I stood on the edge of the sand and inhaled as the waves crashed in front of me. Water splashed my ankles and calves, but I stood and gazed out at the water.
“I would have come sooner if I had known,” Marcus said from behind me.
I didn’t want to talk about it. “It wasn’t your problem.”
His hands gently touched my arms. “I know all you need is a friend right now, and I want to be that for you.”
I wanted a friend too. “I’d like that.”
He softly squeezed my arms. “I am not going to make you talk about anything you’re not ready to.”
“Thank you.” I didn’t want to need the darkness.
“Ms. Mary called me yesterday. She is worried about you, and she misses you. She said to tell you that you’re always welcome at her house.” It eased the pain to know I hadn’t lost everything. “And Mr. Greg wants me to bring you over for chess as soon as you are up for it.” I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t. “The gossip is starting to die down now. But I’m afraid you will be the most sought after girl in Sea Breeze High.” I stiffened. I wanted to go back to being unknown and overlooked. “Hey, don’t go getting all tense. It’s not a bad thing.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to think about school.”
He sighed. “Sadie, you’re going to have to pick up and move on. Not talking about any of it is going to keep you from having a life.”
I knew he was right, but the pain that the thoughts evoked was so intense I didn’t think I could do it. “The pain...I can’t breathe when I start to remember.”
He didn’t say anything right away. We stood watching the waves together. I could breathe without the pain for the first time since Jax had gone.
“I hope one day I can evoke in someone as amazing as you that kind of love and need.”
I turned my gaze to him. “It's the most amazing thing in the world when you’re together, but when it is over, it hurts. It hurts more than you could ever imagine.” I heard the words come out, and I was surprised at myself for speaking my thoughts aloud.
“Would you do it differently if you could, now that you know how it ends?”
I allowed myself to think of Jax’s smile and his arms around me, and I knew I wouldn’t change anything. Our last dance that I had memorized every second of, came back to me, and with it came the pain. My knees buckled, and Marcus’s arms came around me and held me up. I fought the pain with the happiness I had known, and it seemed to ease it. No, if I could go back and do it again, all I would do is just try to be stronger or...just more. I would try to be someone who could hold on to him. Someone who could deserve him.
“No,” I whispered, and I knew I wouldn’t miss a moment. Saying it out loud and knowing I would never forget it, or give up the memories, eased the pain a little more.
“He loves you too.” Marcus admitted into the darkness.
I wondered if he was saying those words in hopes of making me feel better, or if he truly meant them. “He didn’t love me enough,” I said into the night breeze and turned my attention back to the water. It helped soothe me.
“What is enough?” Marcus asked.
I sighed and closed my eyes. “Willing to get through the hard stuff together.” The words made sense, but I hated that it sounded as if I were betraying Jax with them.