“Rock stars are such fickle creatures. One never knows who they’ll want next. You take the magazine, I don’t need it,” and with that she snapped her fingers and the group surrounding her followed after her like a school of fish.
I tried swallowing, but it was no use. I couldn’t manage it. The pain returned again, and I didn’t have the strength to stop it. I turned to run, and Amanda was there blocking my path.
“She is just being mean to you because of Dameon. Now, come with me, and we will get you all pulled back together in the bathroom.”
I followed obediently behind her. “What does Dameon have to do with this?” I asked holding out the magazine she had placed in my hands.
Amanda pulled me into the bathroom, and then took the magazine from me. “Dameon and Mary Ann dated this summer. When she found out he was interested in you, then you became her enemy. Even though she knows you blew him off. I think that makes her dislike you more.”
I frowned. “Why?”
Amanda wet a paper towel. “Because you are blowing off what she wants so badly. See, the thing is, Dameon dated her this summer and, well, after a few weeks, he dumped her flat. She wants him back, since dating Dameon would make her the most popular girl at the school.”
I sighed and closed my eyes. “High school is so stupid,” I muttered.
Amanda moved my hand away and wiped my face with a cold wet paper towel. “You need to get a grip on yourself. If everyone thinks they can get to you by showing you pictures of Jax with other girls, you’re going to get hammered by them.”
I walked over to the discarded magazine and picked it up against my will. There on the page in front of me was Jax at the Teen Choice Awards and on his arm was a gorgeous blond with curly hair. I inhaled deeply and sank down against the wall.
“Dang it, Sadie, what are you looking at it for?” Amanda went to take it from me, but I shook my head and held onto it firmly.
“No, let me read it.” I knew the stuff they write in these things wasn’t true, but I somehow wanted to hurt myself further.
“No!” Amanda said firmly and jerked it out of my hands.
I let it go.
She flipped it over. “Sheesh, at least your curls are natural,” she said before throwing the magazine in the garbage.
I closed my eyes against the pain and sat on the floor. The dark blanket seemed to be coming for me, and I knew I was going to have to fight harder to keep it from getting me. There was peace in the blankness, but then I wouldn’t be able to take care of Sam if I went into it, and Sam needed me. I shook my head and stood up quickly before it reached me. I focused on my reflection in the mirror and calmed my features until the haunted look left my eyes. Amanda came up behind me and took my arm.
“It was just a publicity picture,” she said quietly.
I nodded because she had been right. The picture of him with the girl hadn’t been as hard as seeing him so happy in it. I wanted to be happy too. He could be happy. Why couldn’t I? Because I’d been the one to love too much. It would just take me longer than him to smile so brightly. I needed to work on it. Thinking about those around me who did love me needed to be the first place I started. And then there was Sam, who needed me. I had to learn to be strong. Once I had believed I was very strong. Now, I had to find that me again.
* * *
Chapter Nineteen
September would be over in a week, and I knew that running on empty fumes would soon catch up with me. My grades suffered because staying awake throughout class had become impossible. Sam still kept me up all night. With what Ms. Mary said was probably colic and that other than him taking gas medicine, I just had to help him through it. Jessica continued to get more and more withdrawn to the point I called her from school to check on Sam and make sure she remembered to feed him. Several evenings when I came home, he had gone without a diaper change so long a rash had developed. Each time I cleaned him up and applied the cream I’d found at the pharmacy. I attempted to explain to Jessica this was not good for him but she didn’t seem to hear me. Sam needed her. I couldn’t seem to get her to wake up and face the fact she had a baby now.
Sam only had me, and I needed to get tough because I couldn’t come crashing down too. The more I thought about college, I realized there would be no way I could go and leave Sam with Jessica. He’d never survive. School took a backseat to work. Formula and diapers cost a fortune. The thought of dropping out of school and getting my GED crossed my mind several nights when I came home to find Sam crying and hungry and Jessica in her room yelling for me to do something with him. My life was spiraling downhill, and it seemed the harder I worked at getting it under control, the worse it got.
I woke up with my head on the kitchen table and an empty bottle in my hand, and Sam crying in his bassinet beside me. I rubbed my eyes to get focused, glanced at the time, and realized I had overslept. I jumped up and fixed him another bottle and fed him. Twice I tried to get Jessica to get out of bed and help me, but she threw her pillow at me once and said she had a headache the second time. I managed to get myself dressed and gather my homework that I had scattered all over the coffee table while taking care of Sam all night. I changed Sam’s diaper and his clothes, and of course as on cue, he fell fast asleep. In a way, I was thankful that he slept so much during the day because, if he didn’t, I would worry about what Jessica would do to him. I had already witnessed her locking herself in another room away from his crying.
I went to tell Jessica bye, and she was sound asleep again. No point in waking her up. I headed out to my bike, and, suddenly, the world around me tilted. I stopped and leaned up against the house until the wave of dizziness passed, and then went and got on my bike. My stomach rolled as if I had eaten something bad. Sickness didn’t fit into my “to do” list. I didn’t have time for that. I had to get to school. I pulled out of the driveway and headed toward the main stoplight when everything started to go blurry around the corner of my vision. I turned onto Main Street and headed toward school as fast as I could. It was as if I were driving into a tunnel that grew smaller the world around me seemed to dim. Everything went black with the school in sight.
A sharp pain in my head woke me. I couldn’t open my eyes, so I reached up to feel something warm and wet in my hair. Something oozed from somewhere. My arm grew heavy, and I couldn’t control it. I let it fall, and my eyes still didn’t want to cooperate. Slowly, I drifted off to the darkness. I welcomed it because it reminded me of my dark blanket, and I wanted the pain to go away.