“How could you blame yourself, you beautiful girl? How could you ever think you were responsible?”
“How could you?” I said, turning it around on him. “I’m carrying this blame. Not you. It’s mine, and mine alone.”
He moved closer to me and seized my hands.
“No. You will not carry this alone. It’s not yours to carry.” He let go of my hands and held my face, and I couldn’t breathe. Napoleon protested at being squished, so I moved him.
“It’s not yours,” I countered.
“Look, we can play this game all night, or you could let me kiss you and we can put the blame aside for a little while. I need to show you how much I missed you.” He didn’t wait for an invitation and his lips descended on mine. He tasted salty from the tears, but behind that was the familiar Dusty taste that I had missed, more than I would ever admit to him.
“Kitten,” I said as I broke away from him for just a second. Dusty picked Napoleon up and set him on the floor, where he cried. “Take him upstairs?” Dusty nodded against my mouth.
“Be right back.” He scooped up the now-grumpy kitten and took the stairs two at a time. I lay back on the couch and ran my hand through my hair.
What was I doing? I shouldn’t be kissing Dusty, no matter how good it felt and how much I wanted to. It was wrong. We were wrong together. It would never work. There would always be something between us, and it might not be a problem now, but down the road it would separate us. It would.
Dusty came back and straddled me.
“Where were we?”
I put my hand on his chest.
“I can’t.”
He made a frustrated sound and shook his head.
“Yes, you can, and you want to.”
Yes on both counts.
“We shouldn’t. We shouldn’t start, because then this will turn into something and I can’t let it. I can’t let this be something, because I don’t want to lose it. It’s better not to start at all than to get into it and then have it gone. I couldn’t deal with you being gone, Dusty.”
“You’re not going to lose me.”
“I never thought I was going to lose Nathan. Did he ever tell you about me?”
“Yes. I didn’t know it was you, though. He always called you Jossy but I didn’t make the connection. And he never really told me much about you. Just that you’d become friends and that you had terrible taste in music that he was bound and determined to change.”
I almost smiled, remembering. “He did say that. A lot.”
“Did you love him? Is that why?”
I put my other hand on his chest.
“No, I didn’t love him in the way you’re asking. I loved him like the older brother I always wanted, but never had. I have a lot of siblings, but I’m not very close with any of them. They tend to come and go when my parents get married and divorced. I’ve had so many people walk in and out of my life, and he was one of the only people I was sure would stay, would always be there, and now he’s gone and it’s my fault and I can’t stand it if I lose you, too. I can’t, Dusty, because I love you. I love you so much and I can’t lose you, too. I can’t.” This time I was the one who reached for the kiss, and he met me halfway.
“I don’t want to lose you, either, but neither of us is going anywhere, right now, at this moment, so we should enjoy it.”
“Live the day,” I said, touching the sides of his face. He felt so good.
“Yeah, Nate used to say that.”
“I know.”
“So let’s live, Joscelyn. Right now.”
So I brought his mouth back to mine, and our lips had another joyous reunion. Now it was time for our bodies to be introduced. The kiss got more intense, and he pressed himself against me, and I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to give myself to him, completely.
“Take me to the bedroom?” I said. No second-guessing.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Live a little with me.”
“Okay, Red.” He picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. I didn’t think about if it was a bad decision or not, or second-guess the intelligence of doing this now, when I was so emotionally f**ked. It was exhausting doing all that thinking. Just like when I gave myself up to the melody of an amazing song, I wanted to give my body up to this amazing guy. No, not give it to him, share it with him.
“The Scientist” was still playing, so I shut my computer and the music stopped and only the sound of our breathing filled the room. Dusty kissed my lips and then down my neck. It was a little more frantic this time, as he couldn’t get enough of me. Well, the feeling was mutual. I nearly tore his shirt off in my haste to get him undressed.
“Easy, Red,” he said as it got caught on his head and he had to help me pull it the rest of the way off. I traced the tattoo on his arm.
“‘Little brother.’ Nate had one that said ‘older brother.’ But you probably knew that.”
“I do now,” I said, kissing the tattoo before going back to his lips, which became more and more demanding as his tongue plunged into my mouth, as if he was trying to taste my soul. I let myself go, and he removed my shirt and then my bra with expert hands.
“One, two, three, four,” he said kissing from my cheek down my neck and in between my br**sts. “Five, six, seven...”
“What are you doing?” It came out as a semimoan as his tongue licked one of my ni**les.
“Counting your freckles. It might take a while. Eight, nine, ten—” I grasped his head as he took one of my ni**les into his mouth and sucked on it. He stopped counting as he ravaged me with his mouth, and I wrapped my legs around him and made incoherent sounds, begging him for more.
He moved to the other breast, making sure it got just as much attention, which was very considerate. I nearly lost my mind when, at the same time, he slipped his hand under the waistband of my sweatpants and stroked me there, as well. He had done this before, and had learned well, but I wasn’t going to ask. Who really cared?
“Fuck,” I moaned in the grip of building pleasure. He kissed down my stomach, his hand still working, and he dipped his tongue into my belly button. I had no idea how sensitive that area of my body was until now.
All I could do was hold on as he scooted my sweatpants lower until I was completely exposed. He still had his pants on, which was hardly fair, but I couldn’t do anything about it as his mouth joined his hand and lights exploded in my head and I thought I was going to die with the beauty and intensity of it.