Renee got to her feet, as well.
“Because I didn’t know what else to do! You didn’t give me a whole lot of choices. It was either come here or send you to live with Mom, and I knew that wouldn’t be good for anyone, so I said you could come here, and Dusty had started coming over and he’d told me all about his shady past and how he’d gotten his shit together. I thought that maybe he could help you, that you would see that you could go back, you could be my sister again—”
I cut her off.
“So you’re saying I’m not your sister anymore? Are you f**king serious? So I can’t be your sister because I’ve changed? That’s not how family works, Renee. You love each other no matter what. No matter how much you change. So are you saying that you don’t love me anymore?” I was right in front of her and I watched the effect my words had. Her face was so shocked I might as well have slapped her.
“I will always love you, but I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know how to talk to you. I don’t know what to say or do...” Her chin wobbled and tears started streaming down her face. “I will always, always love you. That was never even a question. How could you think that I don’t love you, Jos?”
She threw herself on me and I was forced to catch her and hug her as she started sobbing. This was new territory for me. Renee never got emotional like this. She was much more likely to yell and scream to display her emotions. I could only remember a few times when she’d cried. One was when she broke up with Paul. She was a bit of a wreck after that, but she’d tried to hide it by crying only in the shower. But I was her sister, so I knew what was going on.
“I’m just so lost, Jos. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help you anymore, and I feel like I’m just screwing it up.” She rested her head on my shoulder and I held her.
“You’re not screwing it up. What happened has nothing to do with you. It’s not your fault.” I rubbed her back as she shook in my arms.
“But I’m your older sister. I’m supposed to know what to do. I’m supposed to have words of wisdom and bake cookies and...other shit like that.” I laughed a little and she did, too.
“You do have words of wisdom. It’s not your fault that I choose to ignore them. It’s not your job to save me, Renee.”
She pulled back, and I used my sleeve to wipe her eyes.
“I’m not broken beyond repair, Nene. Just a little worse for wear, but who isn’t?” She nodded and I gave her another hug.
“You’re not supposed to be the one with the good advice,” she said.
“It won’t happen again—I guarantee it.”
Somehow I’d deflected her attention from the kiss with Dusty. I hadn’t been intending to do that, but I was going to take advantage of it while it lasted. It would probably be over as soon as he walked into the house.
We sat back down on the couch, my head on Renee’s shoulder this time as she played with my hair. When we were kids she’d been jealous of it. None of our other brothers or sisters had gotten the freaky redhead gene. Except me. The terms redheaded stepchild and ginger kid were used often in my house, and those were some of the nicer names I’d been called. I couldn’t count how many times I’d heard guys musing, out loud, if “the carpet matched the drapes.”
“Don’t be mad at him, Ne,” I said, trying to head her off from ripping him a new one. He didn’t deserve that. “It was just one of those things, but I’m going to end it.”
“I will be mad at him. He was supposed to watch you and keep you out of trouble, not get you into it.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry, because I’m not going to let it happen.”
“That’s probably wise. Can I ask why, though?”
Now it was time for a performance. I was going to have to work to sell this.
“I just don’t see him that way. He’s more of a friend, you know? I don’t think I should be with anybody right now. I want to focus on school and try and figure things out.” I deserved an Oscar for this. Even I thought I sounded sincere.
“Now that sounds like the sister I knew.”
“Do you miss her?”
“I don’t know. I miss her...consistency. You were always so uptight I knew what to expect. Now you’re a little wilder. A little more unpredictable.”
“Well, I do have red hair.”
“Yes, you do. Bitch.”
We both laughed, and I snuggled closer to her.
“Love you, big sister.”
“Love you more, little sister.”
Our sister love sharing was interrupted by the doorbell ringing.
“Oh, my God, I forgot they were all still outside,” Renee said, getting up and rushing to get the door.
“So did I,” I said, following her. Instead of finding a bunch of shivering people on the porch, we just found one, and he wasn’t shivering.
“Dusty,” Renee said. “Where’s everyone else?”
“They took the truck to go get Dunkin’,” he said, his eyes riveted on my face. “Can we talk?” I wasn’t sure who he was addressing, but Renee decided it was her and crossed her arms.
“Okay. Talk,” she said.
“We should at least let him inside,” I said. He might not look cold, but I wasn’t cruel enough to make him stand outside while Renee said whatever she was going to say to him.
“Maybe the cold would do him some good. Chill him and his penis out a little.”
“That’s enough,” I said, reaching around her, grabbing Dusty and dragging him inside. He didn’t deserve a frozen penis. He shut the door behind him.
“Renee, I swear to you. I never meant for this to happen, and I’m sorry, but I can’t really do anything about it now. You have to know how special she is. It was kind of...inevitable. I was sort of halfway in before I knew that’s what was happening.”
I swallowed and realized saying no to Dusty had just gotten so much harder. Why did he have to say things like that? If he would just shut his mouth and stop kissing me, I might have a shot.
“Very nice,” Renee said. “But I’ve talked with Jos, and I don’t think she feels the same way. So, I am going to go and fold some laundry and try not to eavesdrop while you two talk. But, if it comes to blows, I’m on her side. You lose.” With that, she pivoted on her heel and went to the laundry room in the back and shut the door.